Topic Tuesday // Becoming a new parent - "What I Wish I Knew..." PANDA // Tues 13 Nov, 7pm AEDT

[Elke]

Following on from what @CheerBear has mentioned, your relationships, or how you operate within society, personally, professionally etc. can change pretty significantly once you become a parent. Were there relationships that shifted for you as a new parent? What were the healthy relationships and how did you nurture them?

[Kezk]

@CheerBear, yes it is so hard have a child at a young age, feeling like everyone is judging you. I avoided mothers groups and going to the shops because of my fear of the judgement from older mothers. So great to hear that you were able to show that age doesnt matter, a great strength there to demonstrate to other young mothers who may lack confidence in parenthood or feel judged by others.  

[dani2]

thanks kezk.. it wasn'teven on my mind that we could have twins let alone premi. we found out they had a growth restriction.

I think i imagined the perfect mother to be ultra nuturing and I wanted to cook all the food from scratch, organic etc... though i ended up with bought baby food with these too when they started eating solids last year.... I had done all that stuff with my first but it's out the window with these too.... also their first birthday i felt was a big deal, it wasn't even supposed to be their birthday for another 3 months. i felt like some people close to me didnt get that.

[dani2]

i found it hard to leave the house for the first 9 months with 3 under 3 i was isolated. not a lot of my friends had kids either so my relationships with them did change, and i focused on my new friendships from my firsts playgroup etc

[Elke]

@dani2 its so common to feel like you want to get it all right and do the absolute best for your child/ren.  But then attempting to achieve that level of perfection is just so exhausting and often unachievable.  In the process it is usually our own wellbeing that suffers, which in turn affects our ability to parent in the way that we want to.  Such a catch-22.  

We talk to our callers a lot about the importance of self-care and we even have a fact sheet dedicated to that specific topic because it is just so important.  As we always say, you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before tending to baby (aeroplane analogy). Fact sheet: Self Care and Wellbeing

[dani2]

thanks elke, I know self-care is important in theory.. and I have struggled with mental health issues in the past... hard to put into practice though. i will check out the link

[CheerBear]

Hi @dani2 and welcome to the forum! Prem twins would have been very hard at times.

I really struggled with mothers group @Kezk and found it was almost toxic in a way sometimes. I hear many people find it hugely beneficial and I think that's awesome, but I found it also helpful to know when something isn't helpful. I found shops (and going out in general) could be really challenging sometimes with some of the judgment that can happen for younger mums.

@Elke I had a close friendship with another young mum with a baby close in age to mine. We used to enjoy simple things like playing in the backyard or park with them and just hanging out together being 'real'. We nurtured our relationship by bonding over what we had in common I think. We both respected each other's way of parenting but also had pretty similar ideas too.

[Elke]

@dani2 i completly agree. Its really something that requires practice. Take it from someone who is still (perpetually) practising 😉 It is far easier to just keep moving and not think of yourself, but it is so worth it. Can you think of something you did in the past that helped in terms of self-care?

[Kezk]

@dani2. Wow, 3 under 3 must have been difficult to manage and I can see how it would have been difficult to leave the house and maintain those old relationships. It can be so easy to withdraw and compound our sense of isolation so it is great to hear that you were able to seek out new friendships that helped you to feel connected and supported.  
What else did you find helpful during this time?

[dani2]

Thank you CheerBear... Did you feel a lot of pressure at mums groups? Sometimes I wonder if i just perceived judgement or it's really my own self-judgemnt or there was actual judgement!