I'm broken and defective

[Hazard357]

I'm in a new relationship with a guy who I've liked for some time now. But now I'm in this relationship, i seem to be struggling heaps. 

I listened to this Podcast (why do I love the way that I love  and it opened my eyes to my attachment styles and made me understand some of the toxic habits I have in relationships. And my main habit is shutting down and distancing myself from my partner to try and be more independent. I feel horrible that I do this, and I want to work on this but I don't really know how. I feel broken, and honestly don't understand why he's still around. All that goes through my head is I'm broken. I'm defective. There's no hope for me. I am ment to be alone because I am broken. 

So I feel stuck between wanting to be better for the relationship, while working on myself, and wanting to run away from it altogether. I feel like I'm at war with myself all the time. I don't want to be broken, but I don't know how to help myself