Lived Experience Forum

[itsonlyme94]

Hi all,

Not really sure what to do here but I'm here giving it ago so please no harsh judgement. I've suffered with borderline personality disorder for 5 years and it has caused me to become very lonely and push everyone away. People just assume I'm crazy because I go 0-100 if I feel like someone is attacking me. Recently lost my job and have lost many before for blowing up over something small. I'm pregnant and want to be the best person I can be but I don't know where to start. I have great support from my partner but I also have alot of unresolved trauma. I don't have a great relationship with my family so support from then is 0 but I have some amazing family friends who have always watched over me.  Thankyou all. 

[tyme]

Hey @itsonlyme94 ,

No harsh judgment at all from my side! If anything, Welcome to the forums! 

I can totally relate - I have BPD too!

I was diagnosed in my late teens and I endured the ups and downs of BPD until my 30s. It was over a decade of rages, impulsivity, isolation, and emotional pain. The pain was so real. I don't think non-BPDers realise how painful emotional pain can be for a borderline.

I would flip from 0-100 at the drop of a hat. I was fine one moment and off the charts the next. 

I've done things I'm not proud of.

However, when I was FINALLY honestly ready for help, I got it. 

I went through 18 months of intensive Mentalisation Based Therapy for several hours each week - both individual and group. 

It's made a world of difference to me. I'm in a much better place and now I know what live really is. I've also learnt to embrace my BPD because it has taught me so much. 

In my isolation, I found my real self. I found out who I really what and what I needed to do to better myself.

Recovery IS possible.

The pregnancy brain can be another spanner in the works, but if you are determined to see change, then things will happen. However, it's about stepping into the unknown and practicing things outside of your comfort zone which you know will help you.

You CAN do it. We are here for you 🙂

[itsonlyme94]

I can't thank you enough, I was so worried I would get a hard time but it's nice to know there are people going through the same thing. And it's most deffiantly something I will look into doing as I'm willing to try anything. The mistake I made last time was when I felt better I stopped my therapy and 12 months later the old habits have started to come back. I appericate the help so much. 😊

[tyme]

I'm so glad you have posted @itsonlyme94 . I know it takes a lot to reach out to a new community.

I'm always looking for BPD allies. 

All my BPD treatment was through the public system which meant I never paid for anything. After treatment, I felt I owed it to myelf and the community to give back to the BPD community and hence I'm willing to put my hand into anything BPD-related. 

I was very fortunate to get the BPD therapy I got. There aren't many who are able to get MBT in Australia - and the full treatment too.

To be honest, the training was done during therapy, but the real work was done AFTER the 18 months of MBT. I just had to keep reminding myself of helpful vs harmful coping strategies.

For example, by nature, when I'm upset and down, I tend to isolate myself and hide for days or weeks. Because I know this is harmful in the longrun, when I'm upset now, I actively try to be around people and talk to people. This is what I mean by the real work is AFTER treatment. 

Another example is that in the past, I used to get really angry and fly off the handle. I'd send abusive messages and emails which I'd regret later. Nowadays, when I'm angry, I make sure I DON'T send those messages and emails. If I write them, okay, but I don't send them because I know it's my emotional brain speaking and not my logical/reasoning brain.

Just always remember that recovery IS possible - but you need to put the hard work in. 

[PeppyPatti]

Dear @itsonlyme94 

Thanks for writing 

I actually don't have Bpd but iv had an experience with a support worker with Bpd and I'm devastated by our time together because she had no idea how much her behaviour affected. 

Your message ..... your really mature what your writing 

[itsonlyme94]

I think that's one of things I want to fix, I don't realise at the time, how much my attitude when in a horrid mood effects everyone around me. It's frustrating because I know deep down it's a me issue but it's being lashed out at the closest to me and that isn't fair to them at all. But was the whole reason I came on here was to realise I'm not alone and if others can recover or at least manage there BPD there's no excuses as to why I can't either. Thankyou for your comments all, been a huge help.

[tyme]

@itsonlyme94 ,

I lashed out to many many people. It was mainly the people who were closest to me and that's why it hurt all the more.

With my BPD, I was perfectly capable and able to do anything out in the world, but as soon as I came home, I was an emotional wreck and took it out of people closest to me.

Honestly, I had to isolate myself to allow me to have the strength to heal. But now, things are so much better. I have learnt the skills to tackle even the hardest relationships.

Just hold on. Please, if you have any BPD related questions, I'm happy to respond.

[puzzlingdino]

Hi @itsonlyme94,

Welcome to the forums!

I have BPD too, as do a number of other people who you may come across on the forums, and I hope you feel supported among us. 

I’m hearing that you’re really keen to lessen the hold that BPD has on you and your life and to get closer to being the person that you want to be, and I really admire that commitment! I know it’s not always easy to make that choice, and I’m impressed by the way in which you’ve recognised what you want to work on. 

You’ve mentioned that you previously did some therapy, and I too found therapy beneficial in helping me to ‘manage’ my BPD. I know it’s not always easy to access though, and/or you may be looking for something additional to supplement it, so the types of things I’ve found useful for this have included free online dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) worksheets, online skills guides written by people with lived experience, and BPD/DBT workbooks (which, if you’re lucky, may be carried by your local library). 

I’m sending you encouragement on your journey, and, as tyme said, feel free to reach out if you have any BPD-related questions 🙂 

[Parzival]

@itsonlyme94 thank you for sharing your experience, I hope you find some comfort here. I’m sorry that you feel isolated and distressed after suffering from the effects of bpd for so long, it must be exhausting. My bpd went undiagnosed for a long time, and because of it I am now completely alone. I relate to similar feelings, but of course our situations are different to one another and I’m glad you have a supportive partner who you can talk to and seek comfort in. Keeping a job while balancing mental health has never been an easy task, which is why it’s more of a reason for you to be proud of yourself for your persistence and willingness to continue seeking stable employment 🙂

I wonder if you see a therapist to help manage your emotions? It could offer strategies to regulate the mood swings, and provide benefits in other areas too.

I hope you make connections with other women as your enter motherhood 💙

[itsonlyme94]

@Parzival 

Thankyou for your kind words and help, I've had made myself an appointment with a clinical psychologist who specialises in BPD and has appointments available. But the support I've received on here has really helped. It's a horrible thing to deal with but was nice to see there's other who understands, just focusing on one step at a time but we will get there! 😊