Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[dands26]

@PeppiPatty how are you?

Me well - i had a very up and down week last week. With possible concern of a burnout.
Mr had been very up and down and it made for a difficult time.

This week is going much better thus far.
He is puppy sitting for 4 weeks so im hoping that helps him a little.

Its tuesday so keeping with routine we do something together.

Today i am making him dinner, he has some games he wants to teach me and we are taking the puppy walking.
Fingers crossed it goes okay.

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @dands26

you sound like me....When you have 5 minutes for yourself......you realise your about to burn out.....it's so unfair because no matter what I do now a days.....I bun out easily after caring for my son for so many years and not knowing what burn out is and now, I need to take so many breaks so I can get through......

It's almost like:

I havent recovered from major burn out and I will never recover........

The thing I worked out gets me through is going out with my support worker twice a week and meditate.......

press here for great song

Great song I copied......

[dands26]

Thank you @PeppiPatty

its hard at the moment, the only time i feel at ease is on the days where he is somewhat okay!

[Shaz51]

sending you tender hugs @dands26 

[dands26]

Thank you @Shaz51
How are you feeling today?

I just got home. Mr is in a bad way again tonight.
It started okay he helped with cooking dinner. We watched a movie and then everything took a nose dive.
He told me he hasnt felt okay since he was 12.
He feels useless.
He also feels like he is alone because nobody else can fix it.

Sooo taking some deep breaths and off to get some sleep.

[Determined]

@dands26 hope things are ok for you this afternoon,  

I have read Gary Chapmans book and would highly recommend it. My darling and I were supposed to work through it together a while ago, she was keen to point out what I needed to do but not much interested in my needs (by my perception). 

My 'language' is physical touch closely followed by words of affirmation. At the moment all I am getting is 'dont touch me' , 'why are you looking at me' and being told how useless and angry I am 😞    she is not well but it still stings.  

My darlings languages are recieving gifts and acts of service. I used to be good at this (well at least I tried to do the best I could), defiantly an area of improvement for me at the moment. 

Another book I would highly reccomend is 'his needs, her needs' cant remember the author, I will try and find it and add a link.  Both books were recommended by a couple who are retired marriage councillors. They used to work as a team, 

Trust things work out for you. 

[dands26]

Glad you enjoyed his book also @Determined
I am reading at the moment his book called when sorry isnt enough...
There is no harm in educating as much as possible.
Im okay this afternoon. How are you today?

Mr is acts of service followed closely by physical touch.
Im quality time followed by words of affirmation.

We struggled a little with mr.s mi to fufil each others languages.

But now seperated and as friends we are finding ways to speak the languages and see if it helps.

Last night i went and cooked him dinner.
We put on a record. Listened to music.
Watched a movie and then sat down with a cup of tea and talked.
There were lots of hugs also.

[Determined]

Doing ok here at the moment @dands26, big night here on Monday, took one of our children to hospital ed late evening with pain and ended up with rather fast ambulance ride to larger hospital out of town to see a specialist.  Lack of sleep is catching up. 

I have been watching your story since you arrived and wanted to say somthing but have been less than objective as things are a little shaky for my wife and I. MI is a big part of our lives as she lives with borderline personality disorder,  we have just come through a difficult year with lots of time in hospital. I am hanging  on tight for our children particually at the moment. My darling would like ond of us to move out but I have managed to stall that for the moment. 

I really hope for you both that by revisiting each others languages that things can work out for you. The 'his needs her needs book' i mentioned was also a good read if you are interested, I will try and find it and add details. 

Reading your post has motivated me to read both books again and try harder for my darling, easy (for me) to use burnout and lack of finances (currently jobless due to burnout) but I need to choose to rise above that and do what I can with no expectations for anything in return (thats the hard part for me)  

So thank you for your post. 

[dands26]

@Determined there are so many times when i think i am at the point of breaking.

Theres been concern of a burnout.

I love my mr for the person he is and not the person that mi makes him.
I think sometimes everything gets so overwhelming and we are soo worn thin we forget the other person thats in there.

I have my days where im cluthing on a thin thread and im really not sure if i can do it. But somehow i manage and i wake up the next day ready to go again.

When we split i thought it was the end of my world.
I was absolutely devestated.

Now i see it as an opportunity to love and understand one another better.
No body understands how i have stayed his friend through this.
But if we cant handle friends we definitely dont have a chance at seeing if we can love each other intimately again.

Go back read your books and see if you can try reapply any of it.
Remember chapman has been in situations where one couple tries and the other doesnt.
They have turned out okay in the end.

Sometimes with our partners mi i think they dont have the strength to try like we as carers do. So as long as we know deep down we do and have done everything we could. We also sometimes have to put in that little extra for them.

[Faith-and-Hope]

It can be really hard to work out which is the mi and which is the person ..... where one finishes and the other begins .... but the person is not their mi, even if it has control of them in the moment, or often.  That is our biggest challenge as carers - to love them in spite of that challenge, and setting boundaries  on the mi is critical to that ..... not allowing their mi to invade us as well.

@Determined @dands26