Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[WeepinWillow]

Im feeling all sorts of guilt lately. A friend of mine for 15 years has always been the type of friend that needs reassurance and has always denied having anxiety. The last few years, I have seen her weekly as we do a class together, and each time we see each other, 95% of the conversation is on her and her anxiety-related issues. Ive stopped talking about myself as she never really focuses on me and conversation always circles back to whats going on with her. Whether its messaging or phone calls 95% of the topic is one-sided.

An example is when I messaged her to tell her I got a call I needed to see a specialist in the hospital about my heart (it turned out to be a routinue check up), but she completely ignored that message and responded with what happened at work that day. I dont think shes a narcisstic her anxiety overwhelms her to the point that nothing else or nobody else matters in that moment.

It's gotten worse the last 6 months, she developed hypochondria and only talks about her health symptoms. It's important to note she has seen 3 specialists who has ruled out surgery which sent her into a spiral. Her symptoms are seasonal hayfever but in her mind she thinks its something much severe. Ive read the CT scans it says normal. The last 4 weeks her marriage broke down due to her mental health so she's spiralled worse naturally.

I am struggling with being supportive as I am having growing resentment. I have been supporting her and gotten her to see a professional, let her calls me when she needs and message her to see how shes doing, but in our friendship I have never really felt supported and that resentment is starting to grown.

After I had death in my family I isolated myself for some time only to find out afterwards she was upset at me for not being in contact. She said she wasnt "mad" at me but I think hurt. It was like my grief was turned into about her. Not sure if its worth mentioning but I am on anti-depressants and suffer from anixety and bouts of  depression too. I know she used to judge me for taking anti-depressants, but now she is on them too. I guess thats some resentment there too.

I know she's in a dark place and right now with her breakup her depression is at a low and she tells me she's not ok and I try to be a supportive ear whenever I can, I have found her mental health resources such as a crisis clinic, but I cant help feel resentment when thats not recipicated. I messaged her pictures of my bruise today (i had a nasty fall last week) and let her know im going to a funeral this week and those messages got no ackowledgement and she jumped back into messaging about herself. She didnt even ask me who died.

If this ignoring me and being one-sided was just a recent thing I think i'd be okay with it, but it's been like that for years and Im starting to resent not feeling supported when I support her. Then I feel selfish as I know mental health illness should be treated the same as physical illness but It would be nice to know I have support to. I suspect she may be on the spectrum which makes me feel worse for feeling how I do as I dont know if she can help hows she acting

Sorry I dont know if this belongs here, I think I needed to vent.

[lavenderhaze]

Hi @WeepinWillow,

Firstly, I am sorry you've been going through so much and have not felt heard and supported by your friend. I can imagine that must feel really shitty sometimes.

I have been in a similar position to you and your friend at different times in my journey. 

It can be difficult to manage relationships when you're unwell. You don't mean to be selfish, but it can sometimes come across like that.

From your post, it sounds like you've been a very good friend even when things were really hard for you. That's a strength.

I was wondering if you've shared how you've been feeling with your friend? I know that they are struggling, but maybe they don't even realise how it has been impacting you.

Sending you lots of support, and please keep on connecting here. I hope you find this to be a place where you feel heard.