Lived Experience Forum

[kristin]

Dear @kenny66 

Please take it from us that you are a courageous person with a beautiful heart!

You are right that these horrible self-blaming/shaming feelings are by-products of the abuse. This is severely compounded when it is perpetrated by those we love - even though they are clearly incapable of loving us (otherwise how could they behave this way?).

I found a couple of things which I thought might be somewhat helpful for yourself & Scott ( @Mortiis ) so here are the .

My heartfelt compassion for your pain my friend.

Hope for healing endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[Alessandra1992]

Welcome @Mortiis, I have heard only great things about Spectrum.. They have been very helpful for young people I work with as well as other friends of mine..
The issue of CSA or even physical/emotional abuse is common to so many if us, myself included. What really really irks is its long term unexpected consequences or influences..Flashbacks being particularly awful..and the way I am so suspicious sometimes of people around children, especially my own.
I really struggled to watch a soccer coach pat my child on the shoulder for a job well done..really cringed and secretly wanted to deck him..that was an overwhelming physical and emotional reaction that I had no idea was lurking..
And, I know people who have been abused by people other than their parents over the years..really really tricky triggering aspect of parenting..
I think it is a really insidious social issue and its impact on us is far reaching..
ACT has helped me a lot with flashbacks decreasing substantially over time but do I resent having experienced this? I do and resent is to relive so I am working really hard on letting go..ruddy hard but brings me peace in the end...
Thank you for sharing your journey and I am so glad you have found a partner who has supported you through your journey in Australia and your recovery from BPD..

[Mortiis]

Thank you everybody for your kind words.

Things have taken a slight nose-dive for the worst really. I am not longer with my partner of 5 years, she has pulled back also on supporting me with things too, which is very hard to deal with, but part of life I guess.

@Alessadra1992 - What you said about flashbacks being particularly awful rings true for me also, I still have nightly "visits" in dreams, which are terrible, and I usually only get 30-40 minutes of sleep per night if I am very lucky.

[Appleblossom]

I was moved by your post and struck by your courage.

@Vivhas written about the stigma and difficulty of diagnosis re BPD.  I am glad you have found your MI organisation and therapies helpful.

I have slept rough as a child and a teenager, left home at 16, though my parents would have presented quite differently to yours. For what it is worth when we try to understand, empathise or talk about experiences that are similar,

I also lived in a drug-taking society and remember those days and people fondly.  I got off heroin at 21. That is not to say I think it is a good idea to take drugs, but I also share an ex druggie's wariness of feeling forced to take legal drugs.and not being too impressed with euphemism ..its medication.

I am sorry you lost your early lover.  Violent sudden death is the hardest to work through.

[Appleblossom]

I am sad your most recent relationship has ended. 

I dont like Claudius, Hamlet's uncle/step dad much .. but when sorrows come they come in battalions.

Hang in there.  Your child needs you, no matter what.

Like you, I also feel I have been strong to survive my life and that I have both vulnerability and things to offer.

[MoonGal]

Heya @Mortiis - thanks for the courage and honesty in sharing your lived experience, you have survived and that is amazing with every thing you have been through, what I gained from your story is just how reslient we can be even when faced with the most horrendous past abuses, present traumas and the complication of mental ill health. We ARE resilient beings to still be here to be survivors of childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence and whatever else the world has chucked at us. Thanks for being here, hope one day at a time life works out for you... for ALL of us.