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That's ok @BlueBay
Well, after we sell our house we are going to build another house in West Victoria. It's a stepping stone from one acre to a small town block to prepare for retirement, less maintenance etc. So we have decided to live in our caravan for up to 6 months waiting for our house to be built. That means making that tiny van more livable with a larger bed which I did yesterday and fixing the water tank which I just finished now. Once we have settled into our new home we will build another larger caravan retro style. So I've been busy the last 6 months planning that, designing it etc, based on the mistakes of this van. I'm also looking into lightweight materials. Tinking is my passion, lost without it. I'd be dwelling all day on issues.
Forums have a definate place in mental illness recovery. Psychs have appointments every 6 weeks or so and for only one hour which is necessary but isnt very comforting, that time in between. GP's are great but are limited in time. Forums like this one is 24/7 and you can get comfort in a short space of time. Peer groups like this helps because we effectively brainstorm each other. I'm a great believer in the odd "spark" that arrives in our life and when it comes it could be in the form of a comment, a word, a list of posts, it hits you and you realise why things are the way they are.
I've had a few sparks. A therapist once said to me "when are you going to stop saving the world". Well that was 30 years ago and yes, I'm still trying to save the world however thats in my make up. But with those words came perspective. I changed my level of over commitment to make it more "reasonable" and thus it resulted in me concentrating on other lifes activities. That balance is there now. So the spark came and I needed to be told that I was trying to make changes in my world that would never come to be. That period was a result of a political situation whereby I was a by-laws/dog ranger and a local politician got out of parking fines I issued to him by ringing up my bosses at the council. I was ordered to not issue fines to him anymore. There I was, years in the RAAF, prison officer, private investigator etc and never corrupted and they expected me to obey such illegal orders. I refused and kept issuing fines but not actively, only if I happened to see him parked in disabled zones etc. I had a severe pain in my chest and was falsely diagnosed with heart attack (31yo). I gave up smoking and 3 months later was told it wasnt a heart attack but a panic attack lol. It help me give up smoking though!!. That was 1988. I then found in 2003 I had ADHD and bipolar 1. That was a wrong diagnosis and for 6 years took the wrong medication. Finally 2009 got a session with two psychs that diagnosed me with anxiety, depression, bipolar 2 and dysthymia. Many of my issues stemed from my mother's undiagnosed illness and an incident in our swimming pool at 12yo when my brother nearly drowned.
I'm telling you all this because although I wouldnt compare my ordeals with yours Bluebay, I understand the ramifications of a child in trauma. As a victim, your options are limited. Metaphors can help a little so lets see if you can benefit from one?
THE COPING BUCKET
We humans are all 10 litre steel buckets. A good trauma free childhood would see a child grow up with their bucket intact and empty of water, shiny and round. During their life when hurt comes their bucket fills up say half way then over time empties again. When grief comes it quickly overflows then slowly as recovery comes it empties again.
With you Bluebay, at a young age evil came along and kicked your steel bucket and put a large dent into its side. It can no longer carry 10 litres of water. It can only carry 2 litres of water. Hurt comes along in trying to cope with trauma, the memories and it very quickly overlfows. Sometimes your now small bucket will stop overflowing as some good times come but the water level remains just a little from the top...it never empties. Grief comes, tears and sadness and it doesnt take much, maybe a cup of water to overflow your coping bucket. Psychs work on you and they lower the level of that bucket by a cup here and there, forums, friends, family all try in their only way they can but their effort is only half a cup now and then.
There is no way anyone can panel beat your bucket to be fully formed and capable of carrying 10 litres again. Yours is dented forever. So what can you do about this? Firstly no one and I mean no one can repair that bucket to new but they can, with their love and understanding add an extra peice of steel on top so it carries just a few cups of water extra which can help you cope a little better. You also can add a little extra on top with things like positivity and channelling your fears into productive activities like hobbies, sport and passions.
Now imagine if someone came along with super powers? This lady is angry, determined and resolute. She walks by and forces her foot into the bucket and the result is the bucket although still dented can now carry 5 litres of water. Immediately there is a change in life. That angry person is YOU, having finally accepted that you are powerless to heal your history and trauma. Acceptance, that you cant change the past, cannot remove the memories. That event might never happen. That's dependent on many things like your capability of acceptance, the level of trauma and so on.
At all times in your bucket you have a few rocks inside your bucket that are toxic people that are not helping you. These rocks take up space that could be water, to help you cope. Removing the rocks is the only remedy to enabling you to eventually reach your goal of semi repairing your damaged bucket.
I hope that helps. You might need to read that a few times. If you like that concept you can purchase a steel bucket ($7 I bought one 2 days ago at a market), put a small dent in it you can see and fill it with dirt and plant flowers in it and everytime you look at it you will remind yourself of that ultimate goal of peace, calm, love and....a slightly dented bucket rather than a fully damaged one....
🙂
WK
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