Coming to terms with reality

[Appleblossom]

s a privilege to walk with your honesty, directness, humour, and self reflection in this thread. @eudemonism

Hi @Adek Good ideas all

Yes and sometimes I too need a rest day rather than around doing the good things.

If I post less it might because I am past my ears in old feelings and processing issues in order to write about them.

Take care Apple

[Former-Member]

Hello @eudemonism @Adek @Appleblossom @Vanessa5

Two busy days with different members of family 

time with mum earlier today then sister and friend..sister just out of hospital after major surgery..good to spend time together 

so late home two evenings...my two cats not impressed 

havent walked for a while..need to make concerted effort tomorrow..hopefully not pouring with rain

speak again

[eudemonism]

@Vanessa5 are you alright? You've gone quiet... i hope all is well... no news is good news i suppose...

Yep @Former-Member it's good you're spending time with family... it sounds like family time gives you great joy and satisfaction... even if it's not in the best circumstances. And yea. Going for a walk will do you a world of good. Do youhavea favourite trail? Or park bench you could spend 20 minutes on while doing some mindfulness, rewiring and deep breathing?

And @Appleblossom i understand what you're saying. Do you focus on the good things going on in your life when times are like this? And do you try to control your thoughts too make it easier on yourself? Because the more you can resort to positive stuff you're in control of the better i say.

And @Adek being 20 stories up sounds like it would be an interesting feeling. Can you see the beech from where you are? And do you have an elevator?

Im hoping the worst of winter is over. And i can start my early morning schedule again without being to cold. And preparing for my break of dawn walk with dog. And get some good photography done and collected for the season of spring. -I'm resorting to thinking about and processing the positive stuff from now on. How ever small it may be. I'm hoping it will boost my confidence, self esteem, motivation and foresight. I'm hoping it grows and develops into a healthy habit. -and from now on. I'm gonna be...using bits and pieces of advice i been given. And putting it all into place. And watching the big picture come together. Who knows where it will lead?

When all the techniques come together.........

[eudemonism]

A few things that are playing on my mind... i got this nice big and thick jacket from the opshop a few weeks back. And i fell in love with it. It fitted me perfectly. Was big, bulky, thick, warm, cheap, well made, good colours and so on... and then i wash it and leave it in the line and the dog goes and chews one of the sleeve button holes up. And it got to me! All these years I'm without a nice jacket to keep me warm and when i finally get one. The dog goes and tarnishes it.... so I'm thinking about taking it to the seamstress and seeing if they can do a repair job on it and fix it for me...... it's a thick and woven material a brand label surfers jacket. It has really annoyed me.

Then there's the young apple and pear tree. The same kind of thing. The dog has gone and chewed them up and left nothing but the stumps there. It's very frustrating! Plus he chewed his dog bed up. And the BBQ gas hose. Ya know! I spend years and put all this time and effort into trying to set myself up. And it seems to slowly fall apart around me! So frustrating! It takes time, effort, money and resources to organise all this stuff and then it goes wrong!

I researched some ancient litreture online a while back. And it was stuff from the Gotha! Pre Christian religion stuff. And it talked about perfect and organised and law and order and everything like that. You know. Finding contentment and happiness in the psychical realm of life. And after I read it. I reflected on my life. And what motivates me. And drives me. And a big part of it... is, finding or deriving happiness and contentment from the psychical realm of life. Having perfection, law, order and organisation. And having wealth, power and control. Or at least the feeling of these things. And to a degree it is what drives and motivates me. And pushes me to succeed. Because it's kind of the only way it can ever really happen.

A few years back. I got off of my medication. Used drugs. Plus a whole heap of other factors were in play. And i went and destroyed every possession i own. (I'm talking 10k worth of material assets ) a tv. A computer. A bed. A push bike. A table and chairs. Washing machine. A heap of crockery, cutlery, pots and pans. And cooking equipment. A lounge suite. A bed. Chest of drawers. A microwave. And so on. I destroyed everything! And i had worked really hard to get all this material stuff for myself. And it was all decent and quality stuff! Even a fridge... and it was basically a psychotic melt down. A manic phase. And it turned my life upside down for the better part of three years. And was a huge pivotal point in my life. No one to really blame except myself. For not taking my medication although i tried. (There was other factors in play and people who had influenced me ) but, my actions. My responsibility)

So yea, i was searching for that perfection, that law and order. That organisation. And that sense of completion and satisfaction. And power, control and strength. And thought if i got the psychical world just right... from the bottom to the top and from start to finish. My life would all fall into place. through the psychical world. And it is as important as the mental world. But it all fell apart for me. I also lost out on opportunities i had going for myself in that phase of my life. Education prospects. And job prospects. Prospects of a better place to stay. - My mental and psychical wellbeing and health deteriorated dramatically. And i was left trying to claw my way back from this disaster for the better part of 4 or 5 years. It really wasn't good. And i never really recovered to that point in my life. And it was kind of a turning point in which my life took a different direction. For the better and for the worse. That i bore the full brunt of. Strangehow it happens. Life seemed to be coming together for me. I had gotten myself into a good position.

But my point being. Is, i think we all search and yearn for this psychical perfection. And this perfect world. Where everything is organised. And governed bye law and order. Where we have everything we want and need in the psychical world.

Yep, can't go back and change the past!

[eudemonism]

Yea. And another point I'd like to raise is. Now i can reflect back on the ordeal. Is, i genuinely think that the government worker. Mental health professional who was treating me. Was genuinely envious, jealous and contentious over my position in life. (Fact and truth) and in turn she subconsciously sabotaged me! She was upset about my wellbeing, my mental and psychical health, my motivation, my confidence, the fact that I was doing better then her! In her own mind. And, the fact that i had set myself up with a good future. A good education. A high paying job. And i think it made her feel very insignificant. And very insecure. And in a position of despair. Poor mental and psychical health. (That's what my mind is telling me! Now that I'm reflecting back! That's what my gut feeling is saying to me )

Yea... mmm... too say the least!

[eudemonism]

What's the point in having a team of trained, paid, and qualified professionals. Who all have permission to share information about me. Treating me and looking after me. Because of this impression and label, stigma and category they give me. Of being, unstable, unwell, unfit and mentally ill. When essentially! If my mental and psychical health and wellbeing. And ability to provide myself with what I need and want. To be happy, healthy and content. Is better their own? And Is going to be met with envy, jealously and covetousness? Would that not make them feel they need and want too enforce the stigmatized, labeled and categorized position being unwell, unstable, unfit and mentally ill? (Which has been all their doing )
How am i meant to make a full recovery. With such a system in place? Then they try to recruit me into the government funded system. What a joke!

[Vanessa5]

Hi @eudemonism,

I had gone quiet... no news is good news definitely. I just had a bad couple of days. @grubbytoes had some useful links of being more kind to oneself. That perked me up. Just unsure of my future at the moment. Uncertainty in future = zero confidence in future. I have been distracting myself with reading on Phi and it occurs in nature along with stuff by Daniel Mogling on perpetual motion. This stuff amazes me and usually distracts me from a dark negative pattern of thinking. l love symbols etc. 

@Vanessa5

[Former-Member]

hello @eudemonism @Adek @Vanessa5 @Appleblossom

writing on this thread helps me....reading your thoughts...ideas....thank you for your honesty and compassion

I now need to balance my time on here...set time limits again......writing about what I want to do ......I am procrastinating about doing stuff.....not getting my vital walking in which helps with my melantonin and seratonin levels...as well as energy..fitness....physical & mind connection

@eudemonism thank you for such an encouraging, compassionate post...I read between the lines your huge efforts and determination. It warms my heart to see how far you have come since your first posting on this thread as I think it was @Adek who referred to this very same thought. @Adek encouraging and recognising huge efforts is so beneficial for us all here.

@Vanessa5 has provided some great ideas for positive affirmation...encouraging creativity and different thinking ideals

@Appleblossom your philosophical thoughts have also provided us food for thought I think the expression might be... your deeper insight and likewise experience of negative thinking that can be so overwhelming and suffocating..throwing a different light on how to deal with these times

@eudemonism your encouraging words and ideas have helped me so much more than you can begin to imagine.....

So we can all be proud and continue with such strength of conviction......gently ...whilst nurturing our tender souls

speak again

[Former-Member]

@eudemonism

A very brave and honest writing of your tormented experience

We are told not to dwell on the negative...think back in our lives about our traumatic experiences.....tell ourselves how we should have reacted....what we should and should not have done.....(mental note do not use should, would, could ....did not happen so erase those words)

It is important for us to acknowledge these thoughts and the feelings that come with them so that we can work through how we did feel and not bury these feelings.....feeding our potential for depression

In doing this we do not continue to punish ourselves....nothing achieved by doing that

We learn from mistakes....remember the lesson....keep on going....this is reality

This is life for every single human being on this planet

Is this easy to achieve.....of course not...

is it worth putting into practice....without a doubt.....experience tells me this

You are doing that now as you have said.....writing about the trauma has also provided some ease in your guilt that you probably carry...human nature...you are examining that and I am hoping starting to forgive yourself for your mistakes

this we must all do forgive ourselves....not easy...not for the lighthearted...we do have it within ourselves to put this into practice.

are you going for a walk today with that active puppy who wants to chew....has he got some toys? can you hang your washing in an area where you can keep him out of...clothes airer somewhere that he is not allowed I am thinking....bored puppies, dogs are renowned for chewing, grabbing washing off the line.

let us know your thoughts

[Adek]

@Former-Member...you are so observant and considerate even for a puppy. I am learning much from this forum and i believe @eudemonism..our interpersonal skill and communication is also improving from our first rendezvous..polished by deep thoughts and pondering before we speak, and taking a step back each time we feel that impulsive urges to respond to especially our internal stimuli.

I can relate to what happened to you when u gave up on meds. I did it once and you knew i ended up on electro bed. From then i learnt that nothing in this life can be achieved abruptly without paying a huge price regardless for the better or worse. After that incident i started my monthly talk therapy (CBT) and after 5 yrs...my meds have been reduced from 5 different prescriptions to just one type..with lots of communication and feedback from my side since i am hypersensitive to drugs. Slightest dosage had sent me doped round the clock, drowsy and started knocking my car at every bend and weak joints and swelling etc. I did requested for a few reschedules from the psychiatrists whom i felt not really looking into my complaints.. to the ones that are more dedicated and interested (sorry to say).

I remembered one incident when i quarrelled with one of the nurses for treating the inpatients without respect despite them being lawyers, lecturers and well paid. But later i realised..its not easy being them..having to roam the hospital, serving people of all ages, race and attitude. Luckily..i found out later that nurse was transferred to endocrine department.. perhaps for a more conducive working atmosphere compared to being at the psychiatric ward which could be too stressful for her.

Now...thankfully.. along these 5 yrs since my first diagnosis in 1999, visits to the psychiatrist which used to be weekly.. gradually reduced to fortnightly.. monthly.. 3 mths..6..and now..once in 9 months...but the talk therapy continues on monthly. I believe...with one step at a time.. slowly working towards what we hoped for..we will finally come to the suitable method that goes along with our conquest for sanity. Life can never be perfect but at every hardship will come ease.

Oh...and the beach? Nope..the nearest is around 80km away. Am in the capital city...but at least i can see the mountain range from my northeast to northwest, a school field on my west and the highway from south heading north stretches infront of me. So..i just use the binoculars and look out my window to check on the traffic ahead before i leave house especially on peak hours. Perhaps u remembered my country climate here is hot and humid throughout the year but i knew how winter bites during overseas visits.

@Vanessa5, you are bursting with ideas but i cant relate much since my background is biology. I appreciate drawings and poetry and music but am not good in any. I was a biology teacher by profession but had early retirement due to bipolar.

@Appleblossom...hope you have some 'me time' too. Perhaps a facial..or aromatherapy massage or just walking barefooted on the sand early morning..or smelling freshcut grass...take a horseride...get a haircut..these are some of the things i do to unwind..