😭

[Blackcloud]

@rav3nsadly my mum’s views on being in a relationship in your 20s still hasn’t changed and she’s already introduced me to the guy via the messenger app last Thursday which was what caused me to wanting to file the IVO in the first place. Though, the next morning after I filed it, I did argue further with her on the chat and there were some things or a range of things she told me in response that kind of made me reconsider on perhaps becoming more open to lowkey wanna (but also not wanna) meet up with this dude in particular, especially since he’s now in Australia (according to her) and just migrated from Cambodia to come and study as an international student. But anyways. Idk how to feel about potentially meeting him so

[rav3n]

@Blackcloud if you did meet up with him and if you got to know each other a bit, but then you decided you don't like him/you both aren't compatible, would your mum accept that? 

i reckon giving him a chance can be scary especially when its new and not something you're comfy with, but also, maybe something unexpected could come from it? maybe you both end up clicking as friends? but whatever the outcome, you deserve a say in it and you deserve to have a choice in the matter. totally okay if you feel mixed and confused!! it is a new, confusing experience after all.

[Blackcloud]

@rav3n I don’t really wish to continue talking about this, but since yesterday I’ve been able to start working on my assignments again - only bit by bit.

Yesterday, I somehow managed to only get one small task done on my portfolio assignment, even tho I’m falling behind a little, but I hope I can get there eventually…

and today I was only able to spend 3+ hours at the library gathering and writing down notes for my essay from resources I’ve looked onto…but I still have a long way to actually start planning out a draft for it (like the body paragraphs) since I’m still yet to get all the info I need to be able to start officially drafting this essay…

both assessments are due next month and since I have an access plan now, I automatically now get a week extension after the due date for both these units I’m doing..

I hope I don’t end up setting myself up for failure for these assessments over these stresses I’ve been having within the past few days. Just haven’t been able to work on my assignments to as much this time like I did before.

[Blackcloud]

Hey @rav3n @just thought I can tag you again in case you’ve missed on the above post that I’m responding to here 🙂

[rav3n]

heyooo i seemed to have a missed a couple posts across the community cos i was away for the long weekend, thanks for the tag!! @Blackcloud 

how's your portfolio assessment going? and great work on getting some of that stuff done for the essay draft, how's it going now? yayy you got the access plan!! hoping it's less stressful now. 

how was your long weekend, get up to much?

[Blackcloud]

@rav3n @Dreamy 
the audacity of my mum to tell me that my aunty wants me to come visit Cambodia because she (my aunty) wants her and I to visit China together 😑😑 well genuinely I don’t even speak our ethnic language so why should I? Also, my mum especially would never give me a damn break and always wants to make me have the negative emotions for myself everytime she tells me something that her or whoever else suggest for me that I don’t even agree to. I literally don’t even associate myself with our extended family either, but yet they would never leave me alone either only because I’m apart of their family or something. She said that my aunty wants to do something to make me “happy” or whatever, like literally just stop???!!

also, I told my mum again that I want to be another race so bad because a lot of the parents of their kids in my generation at least don’t prioritise or don’t care if their kids don’t wanna be in a relationship/get married unlike my mum. Her only response was “stop talking now” and she gives me this response everytime I bring up about something that I wanna tell her many times that she doesn’t even wanna hear and it’s extremely flipping annoying that she refuses to follow and accept what I tell her.

anyways, she’s accepted my refusal of my aunty’s request/suggestion for me to go to Cambodia and then go to China with her, for gods sake😑😑😑

if only I can just completely break off contact with my mother like seriously, for me she’s only making things worse when for her she thinks that she’s always doing the opposite for me just because I have no one and I always do stuff for myself

[rav3n]

i can hear how frustrating this is for you @Blackcloud it's hard when there's a clash between what you want for yourself and what your parents want for you. and communicating that is tricky, especially when you get told things like "stop talking now". 

do you reckon that your aunty wants to connect with you? or you worried its another set up? 

either way, glad your mum accepted your choice. 

[Blackcloud]

@rav3n @I’d reckon it’s due to the fact that not just my mum but my extended family in Cambodia also knows that I don’t have anyone to hang out with and talk to which explains behind my aunty suggesting last time that I connect with other people of our ethnicity on Facebook, and this time for her and I to go to China together, which…yeah..😐 also explaining why my mum wanted my aunty to find some guys that she (and my mum) wanna introduce me to, including one that’s now in Australia (according to my mum) 

like, that’s literally how my autism goes but yet they all never learn to leave me the hell alone. I’m ashamed to be apart of their family honestly.

[rav3n]

@Blackcloud ooft that's really tough. like on one hand its nice that they wanna include you and connect you with more ppl but at the same time, they don't really get you or listen to your wants/needs. and the fact that they don't fully understand how autism works must be exhausting too, having to continually explain yourself is not fun at all. 😕

how's things with your SW going btw? are you still seeing a psych or speech therapist?

[Blackcloud]

@rav3n I’ve decided to conclude my time with seeing a speech therapist again as I don’t think it was necessary for me to see one in the first place. I’ve also quit seeing the psychologist that I had for a few months since I felt like she wanted to pressure me into doing stuff to help me build my social skills and it was a really frustrating session when she kept bringing up those things after I kept telling her otherwise since I really do think she clearly doesn’t understand how autism really works as she herself doesn’t even have autism. I do kinda plan on seeing a counsellor who I’ve found is diagnosed with autism herself but I can’t afford to see her right now as her sessions cost $100 for a 50 minute session so. 

so at the moment I’m just…doing the usual self care stuff that I do in my daily life as well as going out for walks around nature.