Dark thoughts scaring me.

[outlander]

hi @Tigga321 i dont have much else to add to what everyone has written here but wanted to welcome you to the forums 

also when talking to specific people if your on the computer type in the @ symbol and names will apear and you can click on those 

if your on your phone youll have to write it manually just as ive written your name as well

sorry to hear its been a rough time for you. medication changes are really horrible esp when they take forever to work- a waiting game! 

i dont have  hubby but can empathise with you with the abuses, so can understand how this would be affecting you

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Tigga321.

I received a notification that you posted here earlier today, but I can’t find the post.  I read it through the notification though, and I just wanted you to know that I heard you .... and I feel for what you have gone through.

Please have a look at this link and consider contacting them to talk about what happened.  You will find support is available to you, and I really think you need support to help you recover from this long-term relationship that has hurt you ....

https://www.1800respect.org.au

We are here to talk along with you on your recovery journey.

💜🌷

[Tigga321]

@Faith-and-Hope. 

Thank you for your reply, My story was in here and then disappeared, I can't talk about it atm. It's to hard to voice it as the tears keep falling and words don't come out.

I feel so alone as my children don't know about what went on, my hubby showed them the door   one at a time when they turned 15. I arranged accommodation for them at a friends home so I could still care and look out for them and be a part of there lives. I don't know why, I'm not strong anymore to keep this all packed away in my brain anymore, 

[Shaz51]

Hello @Tigga321, sending you tender hugs and to say that we are here for you

[Faith-and-Hope]

I understand what you’re saying @Tigga321.  It’s no surprise at all.  It sounds like you did incredibly well with the circumstances you had, surviving in the moment, and it’s only now, four years after he has died, that you are feeling free enough to start releasing the tears and heartache.

I haven’t been through what you have, and I have crying days Hon.  

I am so sorry to hear what he did to you, but you were also following through on your mothering instincts by working out a way to keep your children as close and safe as you could as he forced them out of home.

You were as brave and strong as you knew how to be, and now it is time to care for you.

[Tigga321]

@Faith-and-Hope.

I don't deserve to be cared for,  I was weak, if I was strong I would have found a way to stop get my children and me away from him. I am so angry with me. My children are not silly, I know they must know what went on, They had a very hard childhood I couldn't even protect them like a good mum would have done. 

[Tigga321]

@Faith-and-Hope. 

The guilt and shame I carry around with me, makes it so hard to have a good relationship with my kids. There was no relationship with my kids when hubby was alive because they kept away, 

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Tigga321 ..... I understand that tha5 is how you aare feeling about it now, but here’s the thing .... when I became involved with abusive relationships, I didn’t recognise them for what they were ..... I understood that they were hurtful, but I didn’t know why.  My natural reaction was to assume I was misunderstanding things, and this was causing them to react badly, thinking that my motives were not good, or that I had unintentionally offended them, insulted them without realising ..... was clumsy in some way that had caused this to happen .....

So I set about trying to smooth things over, make amends, create peaceful won-win solutions ..... and they seemed to work, which was both a relief and a joy, until they weren’t ..... they were ruined again, after feeling like a success ..... and the people were one minute lovely, and then the next minute horrible ..... and I couldn’t work out what had happened ..... whether I had done something wrong to “deserve” the switch, at least in their eyes ..... I just couldn’t understand the pattern or rules I was supposed to be working to.

This is the nature of abusive.

People who abuse are damaged, broken, or socially unskilled people, usually without an awareness that that is what they are, and the damage they are doing.

There is a mesmerising sense of entrapment.  You don’t think you can break ou5 of it.  You don’t think you can be believed, and in my situation, I often haven’t been.

I wasn’t raised with this, as you were, pre-conditioned to abuse and that sense of entrapment, and the abuse I have suffered is very light compared to what you have suffered and survived ..... and self-blame, self-loathing is a common outcome for someone as badly injured as you have been.

There are antidotes to feelings of guilt and shame @Tigga321 .... and you do deserve support and healing.  It’s not your fault, you were a child in the first instance, and little more than a child when your partner took over the abuse pattern with you, and you were doing the best you knew how.

Please reach out for more irl support, even if you have to consider it for a while and work up the courage.  And please keep posting here.  It is important to acknowledge what has happened, to break the pattern and allow healing in.  We can walk along with you quietly, or just sit by you when you don’t want to talk. 

We are here for you .... 💕

[Tigga321]

Thank you Faith and hope..

Thank you very much for being here. I really appreciate it.

I live alone and don't go outside, My kids live 6 hours away, I can't talk to people face to face,  I have a huge fear to talk to people so I stay inside. Right now I think I will go to bed and try to sleep. My eyes are sore from crying and my head hurts.  I hope sleep comes tonight...Thank you very much. 

What you say makes sense. I will re-read tomorrow. 

Grandy..

[outlander]

@Tigga321 i have read your story. It was removed as it could be triggerring for others in the details you went into. I am so very sorry all of that happened to you. I am a surivivor of csa as well but not what you went through so can obly empathise with you. I am so glad the beautiful F&H has been helping you. Please do continue to talk your not alone ❤