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Something’s not right

Sharona1
Contributor

Feeling uneasy

Hi fellow Carers

I am not new here. I drop in at some intense moments. This is less intense than many moments before, or intense in a different way. I  usually make a post when my son is raging or threatening or similar. Not this time. Since I called the police and mental health last time, about a year ago, things have changed. He has stopped talking about voices or being threatening altogether. This is because I have reached a point of just doing what he wants. And he has learned to keep it on the inside. Mental health said there is absloutely nothing at all and whatsover wrong with the guy. Not even anxiety or  depression. So, that was that. No point in calling them anymore. They seem to just ignore his previous diagnoses and the fact that he gets a disability pension based on diagnosed mental illness. They completely ignore what I say. He puts on the most spectacular act for  them. He is extremely intelligemt and knows whjat they want. he gives it to them in spades. According to them, he must be one of the healthiest people they have ever met. 

I had to start working at home due to covid. I had no choice and nowhere to turn so i had to just stay in my room as much as possible. Like now, I am in my room and he is in the living room on the phone. I can't go out there even to get dinner. If I walk out and he is not on the phone, he wiill cover his eyes so as not to see me. He hasn't left the house in about 6 months and even before that it was rare. He curls his lip in disgust as he walks past me. He speaks to me only with disdain and hatred. I do all the work, cooking, cleaning etc etc. he is on the phone now and haveing a very articulate intellectual and caring conversation with someone. This is normal for him. But he won't even say hello or thanks for dinner to me. I speak with a chirpy and positive voice as much as I can. 

This year, in particular, I have reached a point where I can barely speak to him. It is hard to speak to someone who just leaves when you walk in the room and shows clear hatred. I am losing my ability to speak well, and it is affecting my work. I just stumble with my words.

As a child, I had to stay in my room a lot when my father was home (alcoholic abusive). 

I definitely can't explain here how strange his behaviour is. I want to be alone. It is so bad for my own health to be here. But he can't seem to look after himself on any practical level. But more, I am too scared to know how to leave. He does really intimidate me these days. I just feel very uneasy and uncomfortable. In fact, I am understating that. 

He refuses to seek any help with mental illness and doesn't agree that he has an issue. 

I do feel very stuck. I don't wsnt to 'abandon' him, as he calls it. But I also am getting unwell and older and I'm very concerned about my own future as well. I really can't discuss it. I have told myself I will in the next fortnight. i will try to talk to him to get any sort of help. I have thought about trying to get a social worker for me!

I feel like he is dangerous. But maybe that's just what he wants me to feel to keep me under control. 

 

 

 

6 REPLIES 6

Re: Feeling uneasy

That sounds like a really tough, even scary situation to be trying to navigate @Sharona1 and I'm sorry to hear it. I'm going to send an email to check in. Take care 💐

Re: Feeling uneasy

Hi@Sharona1

Good on you for reaching out tonight. Getting help for yourself sounds like a good idea. Making boundaries and taking care of your own health are critical. 

As a start, counsellors are available 24/7 on Lifeline, the number is next to this post. You might be able to talk through a plan for your own needs.

If you feel threatened or unsafe, please call the police.

Take care

Re: Feeling uneasy

Hi there: I feel for you greatly. It sounds as if  you are living in an unsustainable situation. If you have not already done so since writing, please think about how you can make arrangements to live separately from your son. This may be the hardest decision you will have to make, but it could be the decision that saves your life; and that of your son, and perhaps helps your son to view you differently, and to treat you with more respect. I once went through this with my own son; with the aid of his psychiatrist he moved out of my home for the very first time and into supported accommodation. Ultimately, this helped our relationship. My son now lives in his own apartment, and it is much better and healthier for the two of us....he comes to stay overnight from time to time; but he also stays away when he is unwell. If your son does not have a doctor or a diagnosis, can you start with a talk with your own GP? I wish you the very best....and remember, things may not always been this way. Hope for the best.  

Re: Feeling uneasy

That's great you've been able to find a better way for you and your son @Meg1 and it's a great suggestion for @Sharona1 to consider, though it's important to remember that the decision is ultimately there's to make. 

Re: Feeling uneasy

Thanks Meg.

I do appreciate any and all comments.

A huge difficulty in our scenario is that my son's major diagnosis is Avoidant Personality Disorder, although he seems to have more conditions as well. He has always strongly resisted psychiatrists/psycholigists etc. He does not accept that he has mental illness. In fact, this can be a symptom of some mental illness. Severe AvPd also means he cannot deal with this exact type of situation  seeing and keeping appointments with medical people. AvPd involves an extreme inability to cope with what they perceive as judgement. He hasn't left the house in maybe 2 years. So, getting him to access  a GP, etc is really difficult. That said, I have managed to get this to happen a few times beforebut it took all the nervous energy I could muster, inbolved so much conflict, and in the end got us nowhere. The GP knows his situation well but has given up, telling me stories of otger people she knows in similar situations. The last visit I had from the Mental Health crisis team, supposedly trained experts, reported that there is zero wrong with his mental health.Zero. Not even anxiety or depression, let alone anything more complicated. It leaves me speechless and alone. How can they say that a person who doesnt leave the house and is so clearly vety unwell is just fine? How? So, that must mean I am crazy then. Right? The thing is he is excellent at acting for a while. He has AvPd. He does not want negative judgement. So he puts on an act and gives them what they want for an hour. He will be in bed in a dark room for a month to recuperate. When he was younger I was able to get him to see a clinical psychologist. It was half paud fir by a mental health plan from the GP. But if you miss an appointment, mental health doesn't pay and the fullbill lands in my lap. With AvPd this happened all the time. I pay for medical insurance for him in the hope I ever get him to a hospital but clearly that will never happen. 

I did move him into an apartment before against his will. He manages mire or less fir a while but eventually he has a breakdown. Then he screams and begs for help and ends up in my place, but diesnt leave. I have managed to get him out twice, each time for maybe a year. He may look after himself for a while but at some point he becomes overwhelmed and the place becomes completely out of control. I have to rescue him constantly with whatever issues. I am not a rich person. It is costing a fortune. I had to go in and clean and fumigate before inspections. He doesnt react with gratitude. 

He is gradually worsening.

At the same time he us so unable, he is very angry. His image of himself is vwry important to him. I think he stays fighting and angry because at least that way he lives to an extent. Uf he lises that he ends up suicidal and in a dark room. 

 

I am really feeling my age now though. I know this can't continue much longer. My health is terrible. I struggle to manage. 

 

My GP said I should talk to a psychiatrist about him to see what I should do but she also said a psyxhiatrist might not be able to do that and also it wont be subsidised at all. Sigh. So, here is ywt another aspect of modern mental health care for people with serioys mental illness. Carers are not professionals but are given the responsibility of professionals as carers. If he was in a hosputal for a while, he might get the diagnosis and care plan he needs. But since the emergency team say he is just great....a perfect specimen of mental health....here we are. 

 

 

Re: Feeling uneasy

Hi @Sharona1 ... Gosh, there are no easy answers; but having read your story, one thing for sure..you simply cannot go through this alone. Would it help to see a therapist...someone to listen and give you some advice on how best to go forward and how best to protect yourself, both emotionally and physically? Do you belong to a carers support group? That you cannot walk into your own home because your son has taken over...well, that is just plain wrong. I have experienced something similar; and also hidden in my room, and as a consequence, had a lock installed on my bedroom door...if you don't have one, perhaps that's something you might consider, as you've said you do not feel safe. It is amazing that the crisis mental health team has concluded your son has no issues.. I suggest you talk to someone else...there has to be someone, somewhere, who will listen and will understand and be able to help you. If it comes to a crisis point at home, please do not hesitate to call the police; tell them it's a mental health issue and you feel your son needs to go into a mental health unit for assessment. It is vital to protect yourself and maintain your own health. If you go down, then your son will have lost his main support. Wishing you well. 

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