I'm in a nest

[outlander]

I dont have anything to add @CheerBear but sending some support courage and of course hugs your way 🤗❤🌹

[CheerBear]

Hi nest,

My brain sucks and I am over it and I'm going to vent it here because I have that shut the world out feeling and I know that's not great.

I struggled last night as my head took a wander through dark and twisty land after being on the phone to someone who was trying to organise a few fun things for them and the littles. It's been playing on my mind because, while I get it would be great them, for me it spellls too much (time/organising/driving/effort etc.). The fun things are the trade off for the few days break I had. I cracked and when they asked what I wanted my brain went bang and all I could say is "I just want to come back". I have missed there so incredibly much, these holidays. Much more than I expected. Once that came out, I completely melted. It all poured out. They asked about the missing paper. I hadn't checked the date until very recently because, while I had a good idea of when it was, avoidance is my go-to and I figured it would be better for me to check after it had passed. I was off with it, not by much though, and it hasn't passed yet. That's ugly. That's like going through this twice, with the added frustration that it's on me for not having checked. I guess that's why avoidance can be totally unhelpful. Grrrr banana brain. Double grrrr to a banana brain that, upon reflection, can see exactly where it stuffed up but can't change what it did.

The person's response to me wanting to come back was to "just move back", which feels a whole lot like being hit with another set of feelings. Comments like that make me want to explode but I know they're meant well, so I go blank and say nothing instead. They asked what could happen because of the paper, so we went through a whole heap of what ifs and maybes, none of which I can know until they happen (or not), meaning it is a useless whirlpool creating conversation, made so much worse with responses like "I don't think that will happen" and "that will never happen". I think of how many times no-one thought anything would happen but they did, and how many times things were happening but no-one saw it or chose to see it (or they saw it and didn't know what to do, which I really do understand, but I just want to scream and ask whether anything has been learned from this now).

I've made a plan this morning to get us through the next days, and I'm feeling better for having done that. I think things will be easier once school goes back and we can all get back into the normal way of doing things, and actually be around other people which will help with feeling some sense of connection with the bigger world. We've got a couple of things planned to do to keep us busy that aren't too tiring (hopefully) and that will keep another happy too, and I have a blanket that I am on the last round of that I very badly want finished by Wednesday. I feel shaky but determined.

One day, when this is all behind me, I am going to stand tall and be very loud, and make sure people know that it does not end when she leaves. We need so much more than fast removalists, 'didn't ask for or want it' pieces of paper, and rapid relocation to murky ponds. We need people to think beyond the immediate, and realise there is so much more to life than surviving it.

Sorry for the long vent and thanks to anyone who heard it.

[Phoenix_Rising]

I hear you @CheerBear.

I believe that any statement that starts with "just" is likely to be super unhelpful: just move back, just leave, just do it, just be positive, just don't worry about it, just get over it, just put it behind you, just move on. Big grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

I know it doesn't end when she leaves. I hear you CheerBear. 

[Teej]

One day @CheerBear when you are standing very tall and being very loud there will be lots of people thanking you for being very brave and letting them know much more of the whole story and all the implications.......and the very hard moments that surviving is very hard and hurtful too.......and there will be changes to systems because of it.

im sorry that you’re having such a difficult time these holidays 😢  I think that you are right though in that one school starts again it will help in lots of ways. My recent episode was not helped by just having sharks circling doing their own thing but in my space. I didn’t feel like I could breathe or have thinking space. Now they are all back at work it’s helping lots to have me time where I can breathe a bit easier. I can only imagine how hard it is to have little fish 24/7😔 on your own. I really hope school returning brings a little breathing space for you and a chance to start some small cheerbear plans again with space to breathe. 🙏🤞

💜🤗

[Former-Member]

@CheerBear 💜 🦕

[CheerBear]

Big gigantic thank you for hearing me. I so badly want to get out into the world and be loud and try to make a difference because it is the only way I can see myself feeling some sense of peace about things. I can't do that right now so sitting tight and being heard here is very helpful.

I felt so angry (at myself, at the way this happened, at the whole world...) so I used it to be constructively destructive, arming myself with a whipper snipper, mower and some loud music in the garden. I feel a little calmer now which will hopefully help when we go out and about this afternoon.

@Teej thank you for believing one day I can use this to make a difference. Hearing about your sharks helps me feel lots less like there's something wrong with me for feeling suffocated sometimes (even though I know it's probably normal and ok). Going through episodes and not having much space is hard. I'm glad it's helping you to have your breathing space. The idea of being able to have small CheerBear plans made made feel good. It's a week and a bit away - I can do that.

@Phoenix_Rising you're so right. Just is not a good one. It's a very big brain bang one and a huge grrrrr. Thank you for knowing it doesn't end, also. I saw the Baby Dragon crochet which is just too cute! I introduced my matching-ink person to the pocket crew on the matching ink day and they asked me for a pocket dragon because they thought the idea was really nice so I have a heaps pinned (and now one more) waiting for me to choose one to make. I think we need a new pocket crew addition soon. What do you think? I hope your appointment goes well, and am looking forward to hearing how you go if/when you share.

I also have some pocket dinosaurs saved too @Former-Member and saw a very funny dinosaur vs garden gnome pic the other day which made me think of you ☺ Thank you lots also.

Looking forward to wandering around the forum (including the DBT thread Phoenix_Rising) and catching up properly after we've been out. I think we're heading to a skate park -very much hoping for no sporting injuries Faith-and-Hope!

Hope there's been/is about to be some good for all.

[TheVorticon]

Mind if I virtually join you and the LF at the skate park @CheerBear? I haven't skated in months (since I had an unrelated injury) and tbh I've never actually been to a skate park ever.
Sorryto read that there's been more get-through-it tough stuff going on.

[CheerBear]

Hey @TheVorticon 🙂 I got this post via email just as we were leaving and said a big YES (hope you could hear it) when you asked to virtually join us which made me big time smile to think of. We rode up to the skate park on our bikes but there was a scary looking group of late teens/early 20-ish looking people there and I am not sure they would have appreciated us gatecrashing whatever it is they were doing (I'm not even sure they had boards or bikes) so we kept going and ended up on a pretty decent bike ride instead, which felt great - and wore them out, which also feels great 😉 

Sorry to hear about the injury still impacting your skating adventure. That really sucks. Can you still ride your bike (I am pretty sure I read you ride a bike a while ago, sorry if I got that wrong though)?

[Maggie]

Oh @CheerBear all I have to offer is.....I HEAR YOU. I'm reading along wishing I/we could do more. I'm just so empty atm, but caring, deeply caring. 💕💜

[CheerBear]

@Maggie 💗 What you have to offer is so appreciated and very much more than enough. Thank you, lots.

I'm sorry you're feeling so empty at the moment. I wish there was more I could offer than saying that I too care about you and really wish things were easier/better/less dark than they are.

I was saying to Phoenix_Rising a moment ago that I am planning a Spotlight trip in the next couple of days. It's to get yarn cakes to make that baby blanket. I wanted to share that after our conversation the other day/week about them.

Big ones of these for you 💗