I'm in a nest

[CheerBear]

Just saw your picture @Zoe7 - super cute and it did make me smile thank you. The trolls song came on this morning on one's playlist and it made me think of you.

[Zoe7]

I tried to watch the Trolls movie the other night but fell asleep @CheerBear - so still haven't watched it the whole way through. Maybe I should give it another go tonight (if I can't sleep - seems to have that affect on me lol).

I know nothing can replace what you have lost CB but I find a whole village of Fraggles at least make me smile - so glad it did for you too 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Love the Fraggles village @Zoe7 .....

I did the single parenting gig for many years as the wife of a workaholic @CheerBear ..... had neighbours for three years who didn’t know I was married cos they never saw him ..... just saying that I know what that much of your equation is like ...... when you’re tired and there is no backstop.

I don’t know if your kids are old enough to do this with, but when mine did the tag-team thing and I reached my limit, I gave myself a time out in my room.  The house was a safe environment (that house was anyway) ..... I had lost control of the discipline with mouthing off and whatever (pre and early teens) ..... so me taking time out created a re-set.  

When I came out of my room I was quiet, didn’t hold eye contact, and came out with a mission to make dinner or whatever ...... and by then they were quiet too cos they knew they had over-done it.  I answered them minimally but politely, and once we had sat down for dinner, I quietly reminded them that parents are people too, and their behaviour had become overwhelming.  I let them know that loving parents discipline their children - the literal meaning of the word “discipline”is “teaching” - so reminding them of that reminded me also, that discipline is about teaching not controlling per se.

I would then tell them that to be taught, someone needs to be open to being taught .... teaching is a two-way street .... therefore discipline is a two way street .... and loving children listen to their parents.

I would then tell them that although I was a loving parent, and they were loving children, we hadn’t managed the afternoon very well between us, and that I wasn’t feeling great about that ..... but rather than laying blame, it was probably a good idea to put the afternoon’s events aside, and just pick things up again in a better state to go into the evening, so that we could all feel better by the time we went to bed.

If things just weren’t settling, which was rare after time-out and quietness, then it was,”okay, let’s call it a day and all go to bed”, and just got on with heading everything in that direction.

It wasn’t perfect .... things didn’t magically fall into a dancing through the tulips or anything ..... but from this side of the parenting journey, we did okay.

I hope this helps .....

[Former-Member]

👋😘❤️ @CheerBear. ☕️

[CheerBear]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope, for your time and thoughtful reply. I really appreciate it.

I'm with you with that approach Faith-and-Hope. It sounds a whole lot like positive parenting and a balance between between being passive and aggressive. It's how I try to do it. My big responds really well to those kinds of things (that you suggested) most of the time. My middle is firey (which is awesome and will serve them well) but they are still learning to direct that constructively and they default to aggressive when they're sad. My kids have a lot to be sad about. My little is still pretty little and comes with some behaviours that are challenging that extend beyond just their age, also. If I took myself off to the room (or to the toilet or to have a shower or to sit in the garden - as in if I am not right there ready to intervene all of the time when days like today happen) things can escalate to serious meltdowns very quickly.

I get tired Faith-and-Hope. I feel like the walls close in on me sometimes and what would help would be a walk and some fresh air on my own for a moment when it feels like I can't breathe. Instead, I find myself needing to dig deeper and try harder and breathe bigger, and it's just so hard. It's not a lack of understanding of how this could be done well, it's a mix of a whole lot of stuff including sadness, anger, hurt, fear, a lost village, missing people... that is big for all of us sometimes.

I just wish we were back there. At least there were people there who I could call on and who could call on me. We were part of our community there. We went out today and I looked around and felt like we were on another planet. This here is not where we should be.

I turn to find the answer to what to do when you're struggling like this and hear "ask for help", and all I can think is "from who?". The one helpful person in this way I have, is tired too now and not really close/accessible easily anymore. There's no-one else. It's just me and just me doesn't feel enough on nights like tonight.

Sorry for the vent.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Venting is good @CheerBear ..... tell it like it is and air the feelings as much as you can manage. It’s a form of rest, just being heard, and your feelings appreciated for what they are.

I am guessing that you have toys that are designed to help with expressing agggression ? Like one of those boxer’s punching bags that look a bit like a basketball .... and some boxing gloves ? A basket ball hoop ?

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hope the boxing bag is not a problematic mention @CheerBear ..... my thought was in redirecting angry feelings to use the associated adrenaline that comes with that for a physical release ..... bearing in mind that other sporting toys can result in injuries that you don’t need ....,

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear I super wish we lived on our dream giant property together but not. Then I could come over and play with the LF while you had a rest. 

I was thinking of you when I was out today. I went to a market and someone was selling crocheted toys. And guess what? They had a me and a squishy in a basket of a whole lot of other little toys!!! They were selling them for $10 each! Methinks you could definitely sell the sort of awesome creations that you make. Maybe I need to get into this crocheting thing... 

[CheerBear]

Got the tears again @Faith-and-Hope. Thank you for listening and understanding and I'm sorry if my venting didn't come out the way I meant. I read back over the above with a cringe. You're wise and kind Faith-and-Hope.

We have lots of things that can help, after lots of years of living through difficult times. I think a lot of it will come down to time now. It's what my GP asked about me - how much of this can anyone/anything truly "fix" and how much is time. I think it with them also, often. We just have to get through time. They lost a lot of their family and all of their friends (except for one but we see so little of them that it's almost worse as it's like teasing). They left without a goodbye to anyone. They were at school one day and gone the next. We went "on a holiday" because I didn't know how else to tell them and I didn't know what to say because I didn't know what was going to happen myself. It was a bad holiday, as they remind me (said with a laugh-cry). It was the firey one who spoke up about the last bang (as it didn't/wouldn't have happened had I been there) and they have had multiple moments of hurt and anger and confusion over that. I get It, I really do. That's going to take a lot of time and a lot of working through.

I'm going to hit post and trust that venting is ok and say big sorry if that was hard to read. How it is is ugly. I've got the sads and the feeling that it's just really hard, it's so hard to see your kids hurt. It's not like the sads haven't happened a bazillion times before though, so I know it will pass. Going by my tack record, it's likely to be a better day tomorrow too.

Huge big thank you for listening and caring enough to be here.

[CheerBear]

I took it just as intended @Faith-and-Hope ❤ Thank you. I also got a laugh at the sporting injuries - we totally dont need them either (said as I mentioned the bike ramp to them on their way to bed 😉 )

I super wish we did too @Phoenix_Rising. I could teach you crochet then 😄 My fish would love playing with you - I have no doubt about that. That's funny about the squishy and you! I'm two and a half rounds off finishing the blanket. It's days away now 🙂

I wish lots of stuff and think maybe we need a wand.

Thank you for listening to those who have. I miss my village, but again this one here feels pretty great and I wouldn't have had this one had I not missed my village in the first place.