I'm in a nest

[CheerBear]

Thank you so much for coming by @Phoenix_Rising (I am so thankful you did) even though there's a lot of all broken happening for you. There's 'sometimes feels like almost broken' happening here, but I am ok and it won't get to actually broken for me. Something the big bang taught me about me was that I will do what I need to do, even if it feels incredibly hard or scary or painful or not even close to being fair, in order to be ok. I trust myself to do what I need to do to be ok (maybe with some swearing and lots of ugly tears - but I would 😉 )

The little circus fish are good (you're welcome to fish-watch them if you'd like :P). The missing village is being very missed and the sad that causes is there often, but the rainbow lens glasses I own help with that (most of the time).

The waves are big and there is very big bigness now. But nothing is forever except for forever, right? I don't know what is going to happen (and I wish I could know that for soooo many things) but I do know that it can't and won't always be exactly like this.

And yep - teacup and rubber duck. They got through it on the last page of the story. I think they landed on a toy whale at the end - that could be fun?

Night (to any/all)

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear PR's brain all broken. Super care about CB. CB ok? Snuggle. Sleep. Will pass. 

[CheerBear]

Tricky afternoon @Phoenix_Rising but I am ok. I have that operation adventure to tackle early next week, as of a short notice call today. I love the way life can seem like it goes "next challenge coming right up" sometimes. Looking forward to this one being over.

It'll pass.

I feel you care and thank you. I care super lots too. Big 😞 for broken brain. Night.

[Teej]

Hey @CheerBear, 

just dropping in to see how you are going? From the outside looking in it looks like you’ve been giving so much support but there is much turmoil within. You don’t need to talk about it here, I just wanted to let you know I’m here to support should you need.

Sent from someone who is totally tumultuous currently but trying to find up in the crazy 😜:face_with_rolling_eyes:

💜🤗

[CheerBear]

Thank you for your (incredibly well-timed and lovely) message @Teej. I had just walked to my car after being out and stood there wondering what I was going to do. I didn't want to be at home and I didn't want to be out. I looked at my phone and the word turmoil stood out. I'm in a big 'what am I going to do' funk and it feels like I could apply that to so many things. It feels like lost and it probably does feel like turmoil. I want to talk but I don't (and I just deleted a vent and then regretted it but I won't write it again - I think that sums it all up perfectly :face_with_rolling_eyes:).

I really miss my people and my old life Teej and I feel really sad and really angry about that sometimes. I question what I am going to do about it and the very ugly truth is there is probably not a whole lot I can do, more than I am doing.

I tried to do the uni organising thing and had all this motivation and determination to give some focus to that over the next couple of weeks. It took a lot of "breeeeathe CB. Baby steps CB" to not fall in an overwhelmed heap when I had the requirements given to me (which are is a big question of whether they are even possible as my life is right now - it's iffy), and then yesterday's call happened, which feels like it's put a pause on that. It's just a pause and it won't be for long at all, but really the timing was a giant laugh-cry one. Bright side is that I'll have a few days with an extra hand in the circus next week though. And an excuse to wear my pjs more than I usually get to during the week. And maybe even treat myself to a new pair of awesomely ridiculous ones. Probably with unicorns or polkadots 😁

Turns out I did write it again (yep no idea what I want to do) 😉. Thank you for listening and for taking the time to drop by, and for gently encouraging me out of a bit of a bottle.

From someone who can totally relate to totally tumultuous ☺💗

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear Pocket crew help CB be brave for operation? Need Pjs with polkadotted unicorns. 

[CheerBear]

Pocket crew will definitely be there @Phoenix_Rising ☺ They won't let me take them in in though, so I'm thinking I might hide a little drawing somewhere. I can get my brave on I just have to control my frustration at it all, which is more the thing I think. 

You know there are no polkadotted unicorn pjs that I could find 🙁 . I found this amazing set though (which wouldn't reach me on time plus it is in French and I don't think impulse online purchases in another language are a good idea right now 😉)

It's like a little bundle of goodness 😁

[Teej]

Hiya @CheerBear,

I’m really hesitant to write this but wanted to share my experiences with facing a new life (or maybe trying to face a new one as in my case). I’m really hoping this doesn’t add to any angst and it is just my thoughts and feelings. I’m aware that yours may be very different. 

In my 6 and a half years experience I’ve learned (and mostly the hard way) that I can’t and won’t ever be able to recreate my old life for very different (and some maybe some of the same reasons as you). I think the first part for me is knowing I broke and will never go back the same way. I have access to my village still, I have been very fortunate that there is pretty much always a warm friendly hand to greet me in my old village but it doesn’t work like that anymore. For lots of reasons I can’t talk about (emotional reasons) I learned that it’s not enough. I’m not part of that 'world' anymore. This falls into geographical, socioeconomic, lifestyle, careers and trauma that didn’t just affect me. The divide has become too great. I tried lots but it just kept creating more pain. So now I see my old village once or twice a year and as of the last time before Christmas I enjoyed the catch up but knew that it was not something I’m able to do on a regular basis. Even though it’s enjoyable it’s very emotional and draining and anxiety provoking. 

Just lately, especially after volunteering (but also from being on the forum) I see that there are so many people that have their lives turned upside down through no fault of their own and at the hands of others. I guess it makes me feel less alone and have mostly accepted that life is a bitch sometimes. I must admit I haven’t struggled with anger over my stuff (which was actually an issue everyone kept raising) and I’m not in your situation at all. I know it’s very very different. I guess I wanted to share that even if you could go back it wouldn’t be the same any longer. So much has changed that makes it different, it just can’t go back once the genie is out of the bottle. What I do know though is you’ve done it once and you’ll do it again. It will be a different village but just as supportive and as fulfilling as your old one......and to lighten it up the grass is never greener on the other side. There will be differences but there will be new things too that are positive.

So @CheerBear you can do this, we need your pedometer just counting each baby step so you can see how far you’ve come. This weeks adventure ( with let’s go the whole hog and have polka dot unicorn pjs) will be another anxiety provoking experience that will get to another step closer to where you want to be 

And just in case you’ve forgotten 

And 

 (Think it might be time to create some you’ve got this images 😳) 

💜🤗

[CheerBear]

Thank you so much @Teej. I got the tears but that's not exactly unusual for me and it's probably healthier than wanting to break stuff.

You're so right. If I went back to that village it would be so different. Even if I could reconnect, so much has changed anyway.

I'm struggling to accept the broken and that's a problem. I want fixed not broken. Uni would/will help, whenever that can happen but the uni coordinator suggested maybe I need to wait a little longer. When I think about my reactions during the conversation I had with her, she's probably on to something. I *may* have spewed out a whole lot of "I don't give a crap what placement I get what I do anymore, I just want the piece of paper that will have cost me tens of thousands of dollars and years of hard work, that I am unlikely to ever use because screw being a part of any of it anyway". And then I said sorry and that my hopes and dreams had been crushed and I was trying to find them again and this was a little step to doing that. She was helpful and she hasn't been in the past, so maybe it wasn't the worst oopsies.

We have a BBQ with the not-wonky in this murky pond this afternoon. It's a beautiful afternoon. Maybe my goal for the day is to look at what is right on front of me. The village here is what it is and that's all it can be for now and it will have to do.

Heading out now. Today is 20/2/18. All I can do today is today maybe. Huge big giant thank you @Teej. Good luck with the ants. I feel like we've both written essays when maybe washing sheets would have been helpful 😉 (but I so appreciate that you shared that and did that today)

💗

[Former-Member]

Stopping by to drop off some snuggle pillows and warm hugs for @CheerBear

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Making a new life-place for oneself is daunting, that's for sure. Very few things will be the same as they were before, and sometimes that is for the best, even though we so wholeheartedly wish it was otherwise. 

I wrote a whole heap of stuff but deleted it. I wish life and living was different.

My whole identity has been changed so for me there is no going 'back' to anything or anyone. 

Don't worry about the craft thing - we'll get to it when we get to it. 

Be well CheerBear, or as well as you can be at any given moment.