Hello @BlueBay
While I can still hear some distress coming through in your comments, I can also see in your written words and sense in the way that you write them, a sense of equilibrium and balance. You appear, to me, in your most recent note today, 5 December, to be stepping aside from events that you may find difficult and unpleasant and talking about those events. I believe that that approach is probably beneficial for you.
In some of your previous comments {see comment below about note of 03 Dec 2021 11:46 AM}, you just blurted out whatever was on your mind, in what I would describe as a disjointed and somewhat disconnected manner. Today you sound as though you are stepping aside and considering what is going on for you in a far more orderly and coherent manner.
This coherency and orderliness of thought means that it is probably easier for you to see what is going on and also, much easier for others, such as @Dec , @BPDSurvivor , @oceangirl , @Snowie , @Shaz51 , @The-Hams , @Emelia8 , others and me to connect with what is happening for you through your descriptions of those events.
On the other hand, like me, {while I remind myself that your life is not mine, but I do see similarities and parallels between both} you are still trying, valiantly, to maintain a connection with your Mum and Dad, through personalised contact via phone and contact through other members of your family. I would encourage you, as both your psychologist and others, including me have suggested, to minimise your contact, directly and indirectly, with your parents, unless you deem such contact to be really necessary and imperative. It may be possible to consider written communication. We can still use what we call “snail mail”, text messages (judiciously) and other methods. Unfortunately, each time you make contact directly with your parents, either by seeing and speaking with them directly or by phone, or through family members, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and distress. I would also avoid communicating through your siblings. This can make them “the meat in the sandwich” which can cause them discomfort and possibly distress. It can also mean that they may feel, in some way, obliged to convey, not only a return message but also the manner in which it was given.
Interestingly, it was you who said, on the 03 Dec 2021 11:46 AM, that
“my mum's at it again”
However, from your response, it was you who initiated that contact. And in the same note, on 3 Dec, that sounded so disjointed, frantic and somewhat incoherent, you said, addressing me:
“you were right, I think I'm crashing, I'm so exhausted”
It would appear to me that there is a significant connection between you having phoned your Mum, and the subsequent disjointed, frantic and seemingly incoherent style of the note, and the awareness that you thought you were crashing and feeling exhausted.
Compare that note with the clarity, coherence and orderliness of your note this morning. You were even able to talk about the events of the 3 December in a reasonable conversational manner, so different from the apparently distressed and anxiety-riddled manner of the other day.
The discussion here does not have to do with the motivations, distress, reasons for certain actions, reactions or responses or anything else to do with, or that can be attributed to your mother. It is so easy to pass off the responsibility for outcomes to someone else when it is not the other person with whom we are interacting here on the forum. For any people on the forum who interact with you, it is you to whom and about whose actions we speak and about whom we are concerned.
It is all about you, what you do, why you do things, and most importantly of all, your actions, reactions, responses and health and welfare.
Thank you for your note this morning which was informative and also very reassuring.
With My Best Wishes
@HenryX
Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)
Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs)
Suicide callback service (24 Hrs)
Kids helpline (24 Hrs)
13 YARN