Riding a wave

[Phoenix_Rising]

Super big thank you for riding the wave with me @Zoe7 @CheerBear @Former-Member @Catcakes. The thing is, the words "you matter" are so very easy to say, but when it has actually come to ACTION, the objective fact is that a choice was made that is in the best interests of the one who did me harm, even though this choice is detrimental to my wellbeing. Nothing can change that. Nothing in the whole world can change that!!! No amount of words can change the objective reality of that action!!!

[CheerBear]

You're absolutely right @Phoenix_Rising. Nothing can undo the harm that actions that say you do not matter, can cause 😞

[Former-Member]

I wish I could explain why I am so hearing you right now, @Phoenix_Rising. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

I matter...but they matter MORE! 

@CheerBear I super can feel how much you hear me. I know you hear me. I know you hear me better than people who I HAVE spoken to face-to-face. You know this is a really really big deal. You know that I need some support and some help to figure out a way through it. You know that I don't need minimising platitudes. You know that when I say I am going to remember something forever, it is unhelpful to try and brush that off, saying it isn't so. You know that I need someone to sit with me in the bigness of it, not minimise it. I so very very VERY badly wish I could see TTT today. I so super badly wish I could. I know she gets it. I know she'll say it's not ok. But how do I watch yet another week of my life slip by with me just lying on the floor focusing on my breathing. I want to die today @CheerBear...and you are the one obnoxious little carebear who somehow slipped through a crack in my shell and who thus motivates me to sit here at the computer and keep dumping it out, instead. I believe I am most likely changing the world...but I would never have chosen this adventure. I did not choose this adventure. I never asked for this. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member just as @CheerBear can hear me without knowing, I too can hear you without knowing. 

It is not right, it is not ok. It is wrong. It is wrong and harmful and reinforces all those negative messages you already hold about yourself. Words are cheap. Actions speak louder than words, and a poor choice of actions can cause catastrophic harm. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member do you have a key to the cupboard where all the emergency floaties are kept in the SANE office? I know @Former-Member has a dinosaur one around here somewhere - she sent it out onto the ocean during the night, for which I was super grateful. I'm not even sure if @Catcakes has seen the collection of floaties - it has been a while. Can you maybe please try and find them @Former-Member???

[CheerBear]

I don't know if this is the same thing, but when you said that your chnaging-the-world-adventure (when you went to the wrong suburb) was not one of your choosing, my insides went all funny in the not-good way @Phoenix_Rising. You didn't ask for it, yet it happened anyway 😞

I remember the adventures that I didn't choose to go on (despite sometimes being told that I did) that were detrimental to my wellbeing, and I think I'll remember them always. No amount of saying that I won't will stop me from remembering. No amount of minimising the bigness, makes it smaller.

Sitting with you.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Super big thank you for knowing and feeling and understanding @CheerBear. The email of last night was a follow on to Wednesday's adventure. This is all one and the same not-of-my-choosing adventure. I knew you were with me but not on Wednesday. That is why I giggled so much when I landed at the wrong address - I could feel you with me, laughing at our melted snowflakey banana headed lostness. 

The giant wave is settling now...simply through having been heard. Is it really so hard? Is it really so hard to HEAR???

[Catcakes]

Oooh I would love to see the floatie collection
@Phoenix _Rising and I really understand how crappy it feels when someone who has harmed you is supported and you aren’t. I have felt that injustice myself. It’s unfair and crappy and it hurts 🙁

[Phoenix_Rising]

Super big thank you for hearing and understanding without knowing @Catcakes. I will never ever understand why it is so hard for "the professionals" to understand. How can they possibly not understand!!!

I think @Former-Member is off searching for the key for the cupboard where the floatie collection is kept. I thought it was supposed to be kept somewhere readily accessible, Pebbles. Clearly whoever used it last didn't put it back in the correct spot and now Pebbles is rumaging around turning the SANE office upside down looking for it.