Riding a wave

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Zoe7 the wave is super giant and I am super struggling. I feel utterly alone in my muddle...mostly because I AM utterly alone in my muddle. It is fixable,
I know it is, with the right support. I wish I had stayed with Fred. I was safer with him than I will ever be again. He was right, he WAS the only one who would stay. I am super giantly struggling. How do I try again? I super want to die today. 😔😔😔@Moderator

[CheerBear]

I'm so sorry to hear this news @Phoenix_Rising 😞 I can only imagine how horrible things might feel right now. The pocket crew and I are all here beside you too.

[Zoe7]

@Phoenix_Rising you have tried again - 12 times - and each time you have wondered 'how you are going to try again' - but you have - and you have found the Turtle Whisperer! The situation now is not irredeemable as you have the turtle whisperer with you to help in the search - you have not had that before. I know you are feeling all of those big abandonment feelings right now but there are some positives. 1. the turtle whisperer is still there for now, 2. she will help in the search for a new therapist, 3. there is hope that you can unmuddle your muddle with the right support, 4. if you have found 2 therapists that have been able to help then there must be more out there, 5. you have a 100% success rate of surviving each day so far, 6. you have all of us on the forum sitting with you, 7. despite what you believe we do very much care about you 

I know this is super hard for you and you are feeling like none of this matters right now, and you do have the choice of what you decide to do, but I selfishly hope that you choose to continue living as I would really miss having you around. I will sit with you for as long as you need/want today little turtle 

[Zoe7]

@Phoenix_Rising

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member I super like that you can appear on the ocean on your flying island. I'm superly duperly struggling. It isn't like my turtle whisperer just told me today that she won't be able to work with me long-term @CheerBear @Zoe7, I've known this since I started with her. It has just become super bigger right now because we were talking about some of the stuff that is at the very core of my muddle - stuff that I don't share here in Forum Land or anywhere other than with extra super safe people like my turtle whisperer. And this has super reinforced how much she could help me if she could commit to working long-term with me. The stuff we talked about, is stuff that I hadn't discussed with any of therapists 1-11. It is stuff that Fred knew about, but that we never discussed. It is like a giant puzzle piece that suddenly makes clear to whoever I choose to disclose it to, a lot of why I am as I am and why I do as I do. And it was SO NICE to feel safe enough to tell my turtle whisperer. I simply don't know how to find someone else that I feel that safe with. I know they exist, my turtle whisperer and (K) are proof of that. But how do I FIND them????? (A) and the psychologist who dumped me in November are both on the Victims of Crime list. They SHOULD have a solid understanding of complex trauma...but they don't. So how do I FIND the safe person who can help me unmuddle my muddle!!!!!!!!!!

I have one person that I want to try. She sounds good on paper. I wanted to try her last year, but her boss said no to her taking me on because she was going to be on leave for a few months early this year. But she is back now, so in theory, if that truly was the only reason her boss was saying no, then hopefully she will be open to working with me. She really does sound good on paper...but after eleven hellish experiences since February last year, how can I feel anything other than sick at the thought of sussing out someone new!!!!!!!!!!

@Former-Member I so badly need therapist-take-thirteen to "get" me. I need her to have a strong understanding of complex trauma and attachment-related muddles. I need her to be able to cope with the fact that when I'm dysregulated I make weird noises to regulate. I need her to get that a lot of my muddle exists in a very primal part of my brain...so trying to reason about it doesn't work so well. I need her to help me figure out what is fixable and what will only ever be managed.

The thing I need most in the world is to feel safe. And how does one feel safe when the objective reality is that one is utterly alone in the world? And the nature of my muddle is such that human connections here in the real world invariably go amazingly arse-up. It's a super giant muddle @Former-Member. Even my turtle whisperer acknowledged more than once today that yep, it is a pretty big muddle. How am I ever going to unmuddle it? My turtle whisperer and I have had something on our to-do list for the past three sessions...and still didn't get to it today. How does anyone unmuddle a giant muddle at the rate of an hour a week? How does this work? Once again I am feeling like I am trying to bail out the Titanic with a teaspoon...while there is still water pouring in. And to be honest, I am feeling a bit like my turtle whisperer is feeling the same way after today's session. You see, this is what happens. People THINK they know my story. It sounds so simple; my treatment goal is to gain and sustain employment. Everyone smiles and nods and says that that doesn't sound too hard...and then they start hearing the story.

I am super struggling. Can I climb aboard your island for a while @Former-Member? Those coconuts aren't going to fall on my head are they? Thank you for riding the waves with me.

[Zoe7]

@Phoenix_Rising Here's something that may help a little little turtle ...

[CheerBear]

@Phoenix_Rising you have an incredible ability to articulate your needs, what's at the core of the challenges you face and why, what is helpful, what isn't... etc. It must be so incredibly frustrating that it isn't enough sometimes. It should be more than enough and I really hate that it can be so, so hard to find helpful helping people.

I so badly wish that wishing power was a thing. If it was, I think you'd have all of forumland's wishes behind you for a long term, trauma informed therapist to unmuddle your muddle with.

I haven't got much more to say except that I will continue listening to and hearing you quietly, while I plonk myself right in the middle of the giant pile of teddies from @Zoe7.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Move over in those teddies cos I'm comin' in too ..... 💕🐢

[Former-Member]

The coconuts look pretty secure but keep an eye out! @Phoenix_Rising

Loving the pile of teddies @Zoe7 @CheerBear @Faith-and-Hope so warm and comforting!

[utopia]

@Phoenix_Rising. I am here for you. ♥♥ Sending love