Riding a wave

[Phoenix_Rising]

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@CheerBear wrote:
You know that thing when you have that moment when you really feel like you want to let someone know you're thinking of them for whatever reason? I am having that now @Phoenix_Rising.

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@CheerBear the thing you got is so accurate, it is almost creepy. I just needed to tell you that right away. I think I'll now talk it out a little to you in another post. Thank you for being the best not-friend ever. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

I had a really good session with my turtle whisperer yesterday...and that is SO HARD. Once again I am feeling crushed under the weight of hopelessness around the fact that we are searching for TTT rather than really being able to settle in and get to work fixing my brain. We are at a bit of a stand-still now with Operation Find TTT because we are waiting to hear back re. the whole thing of her seeking payment from victims services to have a 15-20 minute chat with my turtle whisperer - grrrrrrrrrrrr. 

Before our session yesterday, I went through the list of alternative possible TTT's that my turtle whisperer had emailed to me. Yeah...it turned out that aside from the failed therapist-take-eight, none of them are psychologists, and there are reasons why I am specifically hunting for a psychologist. My turtle whisperer and I are both a little puzzled as to why the referral service that she got all these names from seems to be full of "psychotherapists" and "counsellors" rather than psychologists. She had quite reasonably just assumed they would be psychologists. So right now I'm back to the pay-me-to-speak-to-your-turtle-whisperer potential therapist being my only option on the horizon. 

Why oh why oh why can't I just stay with my turtle whisperer. HOW can the Universe be THIS cruel. If I could work intensively with her for just a couple of years, I could really heal my brain. I KNOW I could. The chances of me finding another her are minuscule. 

Yesterday, after doing what we could on Operation Find TTT, we got to talking about the stuff I wrote about here . I feel so super safe with my turtle whisperer, that stuff just pours out - stuff that I've tried SO HARD to tell other people, and no one has been able to hear me. I was with Fred for SIXTEEN YEARS and his summation of the situation was that it was too creepy and weird for him to make sense of. I've been seeing my turtle whisperer for TWO MONTHS and she gets it. She SO GETS IT. And if she could commit to working with me for longer, she could help me HEAL it. How can the Universe be THIS CRUEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And...now I'm in tears again. 

The hope is that by having my turtle whisperer super help with the search for TTT, we will somehow miraculously find someone who gets it as much as she does. But I really don't hold out a lot of hope of that happening. The muddle is SO muddled. The only psychologists who would be both skilled enough and willing to take my muddle on would be those that have a particular interest in this kind of a muddle. I am pretty sure that the other person who has "got" it over my two years of therapist searching was the sorry-too-complex psychiatrist. And therein lies the despair. The vast majority of mental health professionals don't get it, and those that do are likely to run a mile. 

Anyway, super big thank you for checking in @CheerBear. I have two more things on my to-do list before I get to DBT-ing. I think I might accept that they aren't both going to get done today, but I will try to get one done and then reward myself by DBT-ing. I have crossed four other things off my to-do list, which sounds super...except that they all add up to about 90 minutes work and I started at 8am this morning. That's turtle pace for you @CheerBear! 

Hey @Former-Member, can you maybe do a fly over the ocean on your island?

Bookish I hope you are having a nice day if you happen to be bobbing around in your book pod here on the ocean. I'm not tagging you because I feel squirmy tagging people into my muddles. But I didn't want you to think I am ignoring you either. 

@Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-Member

[CheerBear]

I can definitely understand how much the hunt for TTT when you have your Turtle Whisperer right there, would be exceptionally hard @Phoenix_Rising and I get how cruel it is. It's not fair at all. I understand how much the idea of pay me so I can think about letting you be a potential client, is so hard too (and also not fair). And how hard it is to work your way around the very messy and scary world of potential psychologists, particularly given your experiences and the unwillingness of psychologists to step in to your muddle. It's not at all right.

Maybe a bit like you wish you could buy me and the LF a house, I so badly wish I could buy you a Turtle Whisperer for a couple of years (not that people should ever be bought but you know what I mean). While I can't do that, and that's so frustrating, I can ride alongside you and we can do it together-but-not.

It's so hard 😞

What you wrote about experiencing over there ⬅ is not creepy at all. It is almost creepy to sense an anonymous online not-friend is having a hard day (with no evidence of it) though. Thank you for being the best not-friend ever too and for sharing things that are so hard.

[Former-Member]

@CheerBear 💕 @Phoenix_Rising 🐢
You might like to try banana with NUTELLA 😀
Yum! 🌻

[Former-Member]

Sorry @Phoenix_Rising 🐢 @CheerBear 💜
I posted at the wrong time.
I hadn't read previous messages on here re your struggles today. My bad timing. 😢

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member All is well. My muddle regarding therapist-take-thirteen isn't going anywhere any time soon. It is an every day muddle. Given that @CheerBear is a melted snowflakey banana head I can imagine she might be quite open to trying a banana with nutella. I on the other hand would opt for the banana-less option because bananas are not on my notably short list of foods that I eat.

[Faith-and-Hope]

I love banana with Nutella  ..... jus’ sayin’ ..... ❣️

@Former-Member @Phoenix_Rising @CheerBear @Former-Member

[CheerBear]

I'm not a huge fan of bananas either @Phoenix_Rising and @Former-Member. At least not the actual fruit banana 😉 . Banana flavoured anything - definitely. Which I think would work well with nutella 🙂

[Phoenix_Rising]

ROFL @CheerBear. I am laughing so much right now. CheerBear's greatest statement of the day: I like anything banana flavoured...except for bananas. Yep, that's definitely made my day. Now I'm rocking because my inside is so filled up with big oh-so-amused feelings.

[Phoenix_Rising]

It's bed time for little turtles. Good night to everybody on the ocean tonight. @CheerBear @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @Former-Member and anyone else bobbing around.

@CheerBear I'm snuggling into my shell in your pocket while you snuggle in your blanket in your nest in the inner sanctum in the underwater cave alllllllllllllllll the way at the bottom of the ocean.

I'm super glad I finally got myself organised enough to post on the DBT thread. Do you ever get the feeling that this is an insanely bigger adventure than we may have first thought? Oh well, that's why it is an adventure. I was going to edit the first page tonight to add the TOC but I got side-tracked as usual. I will aim to do it early tomorrow morning when it is a little quieter in Forum Land and I don't keep getting distracted by all the super interesting things that people have to say.

Night Forum Land.