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It is almost 7pm and I am about to declare this day over and go and hide in my bed. Today has been another horrendous day in my world. I feel scared, muddled and bewildered.
@CheerBear you know the story you told of what happened at the refuge - about how you were told if you didn't like it you were free to leave, even though they knew you had nowhere else to go? I had an experience like that this morning. I know you know how utterly brain mushing such experiences are. I will never understand how people can't see the brain mushingness of saying such things. I have a sore throat from screaming SO MUCH in utter utter utter terror. My brain is broken. 
I am super glad you got to do some world changing today, CheerBear. I hope Mr House-owner does at least a half-decent job at fixing the plumbing issue and that he doesn't make life difficult for you. Make sure you have me and the rest of the pocket crew with you when he comes. We will be ready to launch at his face if he distresses our CheerBear! 
Today was hard...and tomorrow is likely to be hard, and so is the day after that. I am so very very grateful for TTT. She is the one hope I have that things won't be this hard forever. Good night Forum Land.
Good evening on the ocean.
@Former-Member I read your post over there -->. I feel super sad that you have the gigantic I-don't-matter feelings. You have probably picked up that I too have those feelings. It is so so SO hard, bookish. The feelings are hard and the trying to speak up is hard. It is so so SO hard!!!!! I hear you, bookish, I really and truly hear you - such a lot!
It's ok for you to not be ok. Your experience is what it is. What you need, want, think, know and experience is valid. You matter to me, bookish. Judgements, double standards, and the perpetuation of stigma are not ok.
As to whether connection isn't for everyone, I'm not sure. I do know that Forum Land is my last stop in terms of having any sort of human connection. The objective reality of my world is that people like me until they get to know me, and then after they get to know me, they don't like me anymore. If I was to leave Forum Land, that would be it for me in terms of human connection.
Super gigantic thank you for saying you aren't leaving, bookish. I will look out for you under the like button and tag you when my inside tells me to. I can hear how big and heavy and dark the sad is, and I know first-hand how utterly suffocating the you-don't-matter buses can be.
@CheerBear I am glad to hear your plumbing is "fixed." I like how you said that in the grand scheme of things it isn't a thing. I'm always envious of people who have such uneventful lives that they have the brain power to think that things are actually things. I often find myself thinking this at lunchtime at my volunteering gig when people are venting about the things in their lives. I sometimes have an urge to say, "really? you think that is a thing? THIS is a thing!" I think I find it particularly tricky because my volunteering gig involves working with doubly (and sometimes triply and quadruply) awesome kids. The things that they navigate in the world make some other things seem ridiculously small! Having said that, I respect that each person measures the bigness of things relative to the baseline of things that happen in their world and so in that respect, all things are equal.
I'm sorry to hear that things (other things, not plumbing things!) are such that you had a blanket burrito brain over the weekend. It sounds like we were blanket burritos together but not - it's just that I was a weighted blanket burrito and I'm guessing you were a fluffy blanket burrito.
I super wish I could share tomorrow's tricky adventure with you. It will be super fun in some ways...and super tricky in others. TTT promised to tell me I am awesome if I get through the day without doing anything terrible such as, you know, strangling someone. 
Given that my brain is still completely and utterly mushed, I am confident that I will glide through the day in a completely dissociated state and thus not drown in any super gigantic feelings. Good job brain!!!
By the way @CheerBear, I had it in my head that your not-PRN was to help with sleep...but given it has the side-effect of insomnia, I'm guessing this isn't the case. I super hope the new medication plans help to de-burrito your brain soon.
@Former-Member I think I saw you meandering around Forum Land, and I think I can see @Former-Member sitting on the beach with her binoculars. I super like that you are both watching over the ocean tonight.
@Former-Member my brain has turned to mush under the weight of all my giant feelings. It feels like it is never going to de-mush ever again.
I am going to snuggle super deep in @CheerBear's pocket where email buses and if-you-don't-like-it-leave conversations and super wrong wrongs can't hurt me. I wish I never ever had to come out of CheerBear's pocket.
Night Forum Land.
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