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Something’s not right

Riding a wave

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Riding a wave

@Phoenix_Rising, so often when the giant waves are smashing over you, I wish I could just phone you so you would have someone to talk to, someone to validate what you are feeling. (And I am really not a fan of phone calls at all, so you must matter to me.) I just know what a huge difference that would make to you. I don’t think being able to talk to someone is a lot to ask. Smiley Sad

Re: Riding a wave

Forum friends are modern day pen-pals @Phoenix_Rising ..... I moved around a lot when I was growing up.  To keep friends, they had to become pen-pals because I had to keep leaving them behind .....

Re: Riding a wave

I am feeling super sleepy from all my gigantic big feelings so I'm going to migrate from the computer to my phone in bed (yeah yeah I know, not ideal! Smiley Happy).

Just before I go, I have a question for everyone out on the ocean. When I have very very big feelings like this evening, do I sound angry? I have a very long history of being told I'm angry when I really and truly am not. TTT and I were talking about this the other day. I had super big feelings and she asked me (note I said ASKED not TOLD) me if I was angry. I told her (in my highly disregulated way) "hurt". After I had settled and could find my words better, we talked about how when I am expressing intense pain, it presents to others as anger. It was so cool, after we talked about it she was like; see, that's why I asked because to me it looks and feels like anger, but now I know it isn't anger, it's pain, and knowing this means I know to respond in a different way. How very VERY different is that to all the trillions of times people have simply stated to me "I know you are angry" without ASKING me if I'm angry.

So...just to be clear...I am struggling with intense and overwhelming pain. I am not angry. I am traumatised. I am afraid. I feel hopeless. I feel worthless. I feel shut down. I feel utterly alone. I know how to identify my feelings. When I feel angry, I will say I feel angry. I am not angry over this very difficult situation. I want with all my heart to talk it through and be supported to process it. 

And now my biggest feeling is sleepy. I know you will be heading off soon @Former-Member. I super hope @SleepyPanda takes over Ocean watching from you. Good night Forum Land. 

Re: Riding a wave

@Faith-and-Hope that would work for me if the person was a friend to start with. No one in Forum Land is my friend. People in Forum Land are online aquaintances - except for my not-friend. 

Re: Riding a wave

When I read your big feelings words like you wrote tonight I think you sound very hurt and very scared @Phoenix_Rising. I dont sense anger. You're incredibly able to articulate and voice your feelings.

I hope the sleepy feeling turns into sleepful sleep.

Night

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Riding a wave

@Phoenix_Rising, I second what @CheerBear said. Hurt and scared, not angry.

Re: Riding a wave

I have written to people I have never met @Phoenix_Rising ..... like here in Forumland.  When I was growing up classes of kids in one school would write to classes of kids in schools on the other side of Australia ..... or somebody’s auntie would ask somebody else’s mum if their kids would like to write to their niece or nephew, or friend’s child ..... it was just more common to do that back then .....

In answer to your question about sounding angry @Phoenix_Rising .... when you are distressed and hurting you become very direct and forth-right (I know you are direct and forth-right by nature anyway, but a noticeable bit more so).  This, without the intonation of the spoken word, can make you appear angry, if that is the presumed intonation applied by the reader in response to the increase in directness and forthrightness ..... so you are actually being very helpful to general understanding if you make it clear, in the way you just have, that you are hurt rather than angry.

In saying that ..... many people respond in anger when they are hurt.  It’s not everybody, but it is a lot of people ..... and a statement such as, “that’s not helpful” would usually be followed by a few of these “!!!!!” which indicate anger, or exasperation at the very least .....

I hope that helps.

Goodnight little turtle ..... 🐢💤

Re: Riding a wave

I can see how people could interpret your responses as angry sometimes, but i'm super duper sensitive to anger so I often interpret things as that when they're not. MOstly though, like others, I 'felt' hurt and fear from what you weree saying. ❤️

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Riding a wave

Hurt and scared, not angry. overwhelmed. 

Re: Riding a wave

There's another side to it though @Faith-and-Hope in the perception part of communication. While some people genuinely respond with anger when they are hurt (I put my hand up here for sometimes) others respond in pain, desperation, misery, fear etc and that is perceived as anger when it isn't. Something like !!! may indicate anger based on perception too.

Another thing to throw into the communication mix, made probably more tricky with non-verval communication.

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