Riding a wave

[Phoenix_Rising]

I am super super super struggling with giant missing-a-bazillion-people feelings and also feelings of hopelessness around trying to find someone to help me fix my brain. I really don't feel confident that therapist-take-eleven is going to be a good match. As soon as she answered the phone last week, a red flag went up in my brain. This was because she answered the phone with "hello?" I mean seriously, who does that in a professional setting? I had no idea if I'd called the wrong number or if I was speaking with a receptionist. It was super disconcerting. I told my GP about it yesterday and she agreed that she felt exactly the same when she called her. It immediately makes me question the psychologist's professionalism.

How can it be this damn hard to find a decent psychologist??? Right now I feel angry at the entire mental health system (with the exception of extra special people like @Former-Member @Former-Member ). The term "recovery model" gets thrown around, and yet when push-comes-to-shove, no-one seems to truly believe that people CAN recover from some types of MH issues. "Recovery" seems to be equated with "coping."

It seems that even though the word "recovery" is used, a lot of people seem to be condemned to the idea that they just need to keep using their "coping strategies" day after day as the days turn into weeks, the weeks into months and the months into years. What is the point of that? What is the point of surviving one day, only to struggle to survive the next? That's not "recovery," that's existing.

Trauma is FIXABLE. People can HEAL from it. Really and truly HEAL. So why the hell do the vast majority of MH professionals want to just focus on coping skills and distress tolerance skills? Why not actually get in and HEAL the stuff that the person is trying to cope with and tolerate???

Today I want to sit down and revise the document that I have handed to every therapist I have seen over the past 18 months. I need to update it and make it as comprehensive as possible so that I don't need to actually tell the story to therapist-take-eleven. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be expending my extremely limited energy on trying to find someone to help me. It shouldn't be this hard. Good psychologists should not be this few and far between!!!!!

[Former-Member]

Good morning @Phoenix_Rising

Sorry this has taken a while to send through, I've been working on it since I logged on this morning 🙂

I can hear you are super struggling with big feelings around finding psychologist number 11. It sounds like you have been reflecting on your interaction with them and your not feeling like they are going to be the right fit for you, and that your GP and yourself have similar concerns. I'm wondering if you have a sense of what this means for you now? Did you talk about that with yoru GP yesterday?    

I'm floating around today and am happy for you to guide me as to how I can best support you today.

The sun is out here this today and I like the idea of jumping on some inflatables and floating in the sun. What do you think? 🙂

[Former-Member]

Hello @Phoenix_Rising, I know not to send you love and hugs, so I'm throwing my hands in the air like Kermit the Frog and yelling 'I hear you! I hear you!'

Niqua

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Former-Member,

The day is marching on and thus far I have done nothing other than manage my big feelings. I feel utterly despairing over the hopelessness of trying to find someone that is a good fit therapist-wise. It isn't that I'm feeling more doubtful about therapist-take-eleven since yesterday - the way I feel now is the way I've been feeling for the past week since I first spoke with her. I am REALLY not sure that she is the right match...but I am running extremely low on options. This is the despair. I am trying to find someone who takes a psychodynamic approach and who is registered with both ATAPS and victims services. That kind-of narrows the field! You see, the plan is that I will try to connect with someone new under ATAPS and continue seeing (A) under victims services. If the new person is a good match, then I can transfer to them under victims services.

I super want to give up. It truly seems to me like the people that might be able to help me are the same ones who have said "no, too complex." It's like...they need to see the complexity in order to be able to help me, but those that see the complexity run a mile because it's too complex.

@Former-Member I am feeling super alone. The moderator didn't check in last night and that added to my aloneness. I SUPER miss CherryBomb. I super super super miss her. It's like...with NikNik away, all the giant missing people feelings are cascading one on top of the other. I feel a genuine connection with SO FEW people on this planet. I WANT to connect...but I just don't, I simply don't. And so when I find someone I DO connect with, and then lose them again, it super super super SUPER hurts.

Floating around in the sunshine sounds super nice. It is super sunny here too, even if the ocean is a little rough today.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Thank you @Former-Member, that made me super smile.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Good night Forum Land. Good night @Former-Member. Thank you for being such a great host at Friday Feast tonight, and thank you for watching over the ocean. I super like you.

[Former-Member]

Don't mind me @Phoenix_Rising, I'm just putting up a butterfish net around you.  Can't be too careful.

Sleep well 🙂

[CheerBear]

@Phoenix_Rising we are half way though our seven hours of backwards and forwards fun fish stuff. That kind of time length means that the amount of 'fun' happening varies at times during the day, but the whole picture thing is still good.

I sat on the cushion in the usual spot this morning and worked on a thing I started at a new group yesterday. I caught a glimpse of TT's bright green shell when I reached into my handbag for something. I really enjoy having you along for the company.

I'm struggling a bit. Maybe a bit more than a bit. But I am also keeping on keeping on, and very much looking forward to another together but not yoga adventure on Monday. I read that you're planning on spending time off the forum this weekend so this is a post just to let you know that I am thinking of you and am here even when I am not and even when you are not too.

I hope your Saturday is going well.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member can you please swing past the ocean today? I am SUPER struggling with the impending appointment with therapist-take-eleven tomorrow morning. Twenty four hours from now I will be there.

I feel super super SUPER anxious. I have just sent the psychologist the document that I have written wherein I outline my entire muddle. I feel yuck after dealing with that. I originally wrote the document back in March last year and it needed some updating based on the muddle that has unfolded since then. I put in the email that I'll understand if she doesn't get time to read it before the session and that I'll bring a hard copy with me. I feel SO anxious. One of my failed therapists (the only psychiatrist in the mix) refused to read anything regarding my history and instead insisted I tell it all to her. It totally fried my brain...and then after going through that, when I tried to make a second appointment with her, she told me she wouldn't work with me. I will not put myself through that again. If this person doesn't want to read the story, then they are not the right person for me!!! And then of course I'm anxious that she WILL read the story and give me the "sorry, too complex" line.

I am in such a muddle. It seems that whatever happens tomorrow, I'm stuck in a bit of a lose-lose situation. I am SUPER struggling with the idea of moving on from (A). There is such a lot that I do like about her...it's just the minor detail that we both recognise she can't actually help me (and indeed at times harms me) that is an issue. Thus, if I do move on, there is going to be another grieving process...and I haven't moved through the grief over CherryBomb's leaving yet. I actually dreamt about CherryBomb last night...which is kind-of clever given that I don't really know what she looks like! I had a whole lot of dreams which very obviously had the theme of grief and loss running through them. This can't be good...

My feelings are giant. I just need some stability in my world. I so very very very badly need some stability. All I want in the whole world is to feel safe.

Anyway, super big thank you in advance for riding the wave with me today @Former-Member

[Former-Member]

Morning @Phoenix_Rising

I'm so proud of you for both finding someone new and for having you're first appointment today!! You have taken some really big steps since I was in Forumland last

I hear that you are feeling anxious about this and can understand why you would be feeling yuck after writing up that document! That would bring up alot of emotion. I have my fingers crossed and hope that you will not get the "too complex" line.

I also hear that you feel this is a lose-lose situation at the moment. However I am also hopeful here that while it may feel like this is the meantime, there are calmer seas on the horizon and you just need to ride these waves out like you have done so many times before. You got this!! I am also floating around with my trusty pink flamingo and my army of other assorted floaties