Riding a wave

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-MemberI have been lying awake for about an hour so I figured I may as well turn on the laptop and talk it out. I super love that you guys are always here...even when you are not.

I feel utterly alone here in the real world. When I jumped on here, I read through the posts that you wrote on Friday night @Former-Member and they made me feel calmer. It is super calming to be reminded that I am not TOTALLY alone. You have no idea how much your support means to me.

I am super super super struggling with the hopelessness of my situation in terms of trying to find a therapist I connect with. I am seeing (A) this morning and I can feel the weight of the disconnect between us. I so badly wish I could work with someone that I had a sense of connection with. I miss (K).

(A) seems to have no interest in getting to know or understand my muddle. Everything was written down for her so she does actually know the whole story...and yet she never brings up anything about...well...anything.

(A) knows that after my dad died when I was 7 years old, I became a surrogate partner to my mother. She knows that I fell into an abusive relationship with a youth group leader when I was 14 (and he was 32). She knows that after that ended, I developed a close relationship with my minister who I perceived as my dad. She knows that he started to push me away after a couple of years and that this was the beginning of my chaos. She knows that this man took out two restraining orders against me - one for a year and the other for five years. She knows that two other people along the way have also taken out a restraining order against me and many others have threatened legal action if I contacted them.

(A) knows that I have been thrown out of two churches (it was the minister of each that took out a restraining order), the first of which I had attended since I was 3 years old. She knows that my entire social network was at that church and that that was my "family." She knows that I attempted suicide in 1997 and that I drifted from therapist to therapist in constant crisis, until I found "Fred" (not his real name) in 1999. 

(A) knows that Fred was first physically violent during a session only about six months into our...er...therapeutic relationship. She knows that over the next sixteen years he was often verbally aggressive and occassionally physically violent. She also knows that we had a huge amount of contact and that he provided an extremely a-typical level of support.

(A) knows that during those years, Fred supported me through the process of suing the church. She also knows that during that time my mum died and my family, such as it was, disintegrated into oblivion. She knows that I had repeated attempts to form friendships, only for them to end with the person disappearing out of my life (often with a threat of legal action if I contacted again).

(A) knows that there was a final major incident with Fred in 2015, which occurred in public and during which bystanders called the police. She knows that this brought the relationship to an abrupt end. She knows that my uni counsellor then spent weeks searching for a new psychologist for me. She knows that the person (K) found saw me for six months and then decided to close her practice. She knows that I have been searching for someone to help me ever since.

Given all that (A) knows, why is it that we are seven months into weekly therapy and yet have never really discussed any of this? Why is it that even though I know she knows all this stuff because I gave it all to her in writing, she never mentions any of it? Why is it that it feels to me like she doesn't have the slightest interest in knowing about, understanding, or helping me to untangle my muddle?

I feel SO muddled. I don't understand why no-one wants to be around me in the real world. I don't understand why so many people over the years have got angry at me for saying "I love you" to them. I don't understand why so many people have told me I made them feel icky when I hugged them. I don't understand why (E) told me I would always be his kid...and then it was pathologised when I considered myself to always be his kid. I don't understand why Fred told me that the abuse stuff was too weird for him to make sense of and thus in sixteen years of "therapy" it was never spoken about. I don't understand why Fred told me that I don't know what it means to love. I don't understand why Fred told me that I'm too f***ed up for anyone else to treat...and thus far over the past two years he has been proven right. I don't understand why he told me that I'm a stupid f***ing borderline, a f***ing irritant and f***ing evil. I don't understand why he told me that he hated me. I don't understand. Do you hear me? I DON"T UNDERSTAND...and all the let's-just-be-positive and the well-that's-in-the-past DOESN'T HELP ME TO MAKE SENSE OF MY MUDDLE!!!!!

I don't know how to untangle my muddle. I don't know how to make sense of my world. I don't know how to feel ok inside. I don't know how to heal my brain. I don't know how to have the elusive career that everyone kept telling me I would have once I finished my degree. I am stuck, I need help, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know that the thing I need most in the whole world is to feel safe. And I don't feel safe...because I am not safe. I know I can get super overwhelmed and dysregulated at times. I know I have a near-zero stress tolerance. I know that my brain floods and I can't think. And when that happens, I don't have anyone who will step in. I don't have any "friends and family" who will help me navigate unhelpful systems like Centrelink. I don't have anyone who will help me in my mission to find a therapist I genuinely connect with. I don't have anyone to advocate for me in any way, and that is what makes me so afraid. 

Knowing how alone I am triggers memories of me pleading with my mum to help me regarding the whole abuse situation. She didn't want to "cause trouble" and thus never did express any sort of anger or anything towards the church. I am invisible, I am worthless, I do not matter, anybody can do anything to me.

Well, an hour has gone by and I need to start preparing to face another day. Thank you for listening. Thank you for hearing me. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping me to keep rising again and again from the ashes.

[TheVorticon]

Just wanted to say that I hear you too @Phoenix_Rising and that your feelings make sense.
What do you think would happen if you printed out the post from this morning and took it into an appointment with A? Obviously I don't know what A is like, but I'm wondering if even though she knows about the stuff she doesn't know why it might help to talk about it, and the post might give her a better idea... Although I can understand if A might not be someone you want to try that with too. Or if you've already tried that and had poor results.

Anyway, I hope your appointment went smoothly and without adding any extra puddles

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @TheVorticon, Thank you for dropping by the ocean today.

I did let (A) read the post. When I was writing it I knew I would almost certainly show her. We had an ok session...as in we talked and there was no major explosive trigger. There was once where things were escalating and she reminded me I needed to be quieter, but we were able to move through it without total chaos ( @Former-Member at least you have a sense of what "total chaos" actually sounds like in my world, after last week's adventure ).

The reality is that (A) is fine to talk about that stuff if I want her to...but she doesn't actually have any sense in her own brain of why we are talking about it. Therefore we JUST talked about it, as in, the way I would talk to a close friend if I happened to have one. We don't actually "do therapy." Despite my repeated requests, she hasn't developed any sort of treatment plan. In her own brain she has no roadmap of where I am and what needs to happen for me to get where I want to go. And I can't make that happen. We can talk until the cows come home and I know it isn't going to heal my brain. I know I need help to make sense of the muddle. I need someone to help me unpack it. Just having a listening ear or a sounding board isn't going to help me actually FIX it. I have Forum Land in which to just talk things out. It was SUPER helpful for me to be able to talk out my muddle here in Forum Land at 5am this morning...but just talking it out isn't going to heal my brain.

I am starting to wonder if the issue is that the muddle really is too muddled and too unfixable. There were several points today where I asked (A) to explain bits of the muddle and she simply couldn't. I think in my heart I still believe that a more skilled therapist would be able to explore and unpack it all in such a way that I could make sense of things...but I'm not sure. Anyway, if that's the case, it seems that therapists of that skill level are impossibly difficult to find. I have a horrible feeling that those therapists are the ones who have turned me away with the "too complex" line. I think those who truly see the muddle also see how much time and energy would need to go into unmuddling it and thus they run a mile. By definition, this leaves me with those who don't get it. Sigh...

Anyway, despite her notable shortcomings, I am extremely grateful that (A) is there. The single most useful thing she does for me is that she lets me snuggle under the blanket and she puts her hand on my back. Because she is on my safe-touching list, having her do that is so so SO calming.

We talked yet again today about how we are not a great match and can't actually communicate well, but that it is still much safer that she is there than not. I think it is highly likely that I will be continuing to vent a lot about this less-than-ideal-but-better-than-nothing relationship. I will understand if people get tired of reading about it and seeing me oscillating between liking and struggling with (A). Thank you for listening.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

I have read through your posts but havent had a chance to respond properly. I want to give you a considered response so just wanted to drop by and let you know I hear you!!

I will drop by the ocean tomorrow and check-in and respond to these posts much better than I just did Just wanted you to know that you're being heard

I hope the ocean is calm tonight..and just in case I will leave this here for your use

[TheVorticon]

@Phoenix_Rising That's good that your session didn't have a major explosive trigger and that you got some of the calming safe-touch thing. It does seem like a very frustrating situation though. I do hope you can find someone who does get it while (A)'s in the background as support, and wish I (or (A) even!) had a better idea of what would help.

How was the rest of your day?

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @TheVorticon,

The rest of my day was ok. I crashed for a couple of hours but then I felt much better. I went to yoga tonight. I have tagged you in that thread this evening.

Yeah, my situation is VERY frustrating. (A) really is lovely, it is just super frustrating that she doesn't quite know how to tackle muddles such as mine. Still...if she can provide some stability, then maybe that will be enough for me to plod along and unmuddle some of the muddle myself. Realistically, some of it is a moot point these days anyway. For example, I'm never going to do the friend thing again so understanding why people don't like being around me in the real world isn't such an issue now as it has been in the past. Really, now I just want to be stable enough to be able to gain and sustain steady employment so that I can provide for myself. I know I'm never going to have the "friends and family" thing now. Now it is more about learning to live without that and somehow creating an ok life despite not having that.

Anyway, thank you for stopping by again. I hope you have had an ok day. I am trying not to spend quite so much time on the forums and I haven't managed to get to your thread about not talking tonight. I will have to suss that out tomorrow...and I will also sneak over and see how your skateboarding is getting along.

Night @TheVorticon.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Good night Forum Land. Good night @Former-Member. Thank you for watching over the ocean so that I can feel snuggly and safe as I fall asleep in my shell.

[Zoe7]

Goodnight little turtle @Phoenix_Rising 

[Owlunar]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

I read your posts yesterday and I didn't know how to respond - actually I still don't - but having read them I know more about what has happened to you - and although I really don't understand so much I can let you know that I think you were very brave posting so much and great that you have trusted us with so much delicate imformation

Also it seems that you have spoken to your therapist about the issues she read about but didn't bring up in your sessions - and you are supposed to be able to talk about anything you need to there - after all - it's meant to be all about you there - and you are supposed to be in control of the session - and two hours - oh boy - that's a toughie - and or course you would have loud comments to make about such a past

I hope today feels better - you would be exhausted out there in the ocean after such a day - I hope you can come to land for a while

Dec

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Owlunar,

Thank you for dropping by the ocean today. I'm not sure it was so much bravery, as more frustration and despair that led to the 5am post yesterday. It is all such a super giant muddle.

Yeah, (A) is totally fine with me talking about whatever I want to...the thing is, she doesn't have a sense of WHY I want to talk about it. We both know she doesn't have a clear sense of how to actually help me unmuddle the muddle. This is a big part of the despair. She is a good source of social support, but in terms of actually untangling my muddle, we are a bit stuck.

It wasn't me that had the two-hour session yesterday - you are thinking of Outlander. (A) and I do always have a 90 minute session though.  That is at my request. I honestly don't know how anyone gets anywhere in a 50 minute session. When I've had 50 minute sessions, it's always seemed to me that I was just starting to settle and open up about stuff, when I was shut down again and shown the door.

It is a super sunny day here in Sydney and the ocean is nice and calm today.