TW: Trauma and relationships

[Jynx]

@creative_writer aye that's fair, and that wasn't to say that you would need to have a relationship model like that, more just to show how there's all sorts of ways that folks can be in fulfilling relationships and get their needs met without following social norms. And yeah you're totally right, there's definitely cultural factors that play into it and can shape our narratives too. 

I think amongst the ace/aro community there is an acceptance of the fact that trauma can play a role in how our sexuality forms, but that doesn't make anyone who identifies with these labels as less valid for doing so. Sexuality and attraction aren't static either, they can shift and grow as we do - so identifying with the label now, then changing how you identify later, is totally okay. 

When you say you've never really met a safe person (legit tho), I'm wondering what signs you might want to look for that would indicate that a person might actually be worth putting time and energy towards?

[creative_writer]

@Jynx historically polygamy was the norm in many Muslim countries, and is still very much accepted, so the concept isn’t new. I do think each is to their own. I think sometimes people have a rather negative overview of it, but I think we as a society need to be more accepting of differences.

With a safe person would be someone I could be myself with. I wouldn’t have to be so guarded and I would be able to relax and let my guard down

[Jynx]

I very much agree @creative_writer it baffles me how people can be so bigoted like... My guy, if it's not hurting you directly why get your knickers in a twist over it? When hating on anything takes sooo much energy? Bewildering. 

Also don't know if you know this but within the polyamorous and ethical non-monogamy community, there's a general consensus that we practice polyamory NOT polygamy. There's more detailed info here, but basically polygamy has, as you say, a lot more of a cultural context, and often (but not always) involves coercion (e.g. an arranged marriage), hierarchy, and typically is centralised around one man with many wives. That's not to say it is overarchingly inherently wrong; as with anything if there is informed and enthusiastic consent, then go for it! But most polyamorous folks I know would be pretty miffed if they were called polygamous. Ach, semantics lol.

Sounds a little like a catch-22? Like... You won't know if someone is going to be safe for you unless you can open up and be yourself around them, but to be able to open up you need to feel safe first... am I onto something there? 

What are some things you feel you have needed to hide? Or in other words, which aspects of yourself do you not feel safe to be open about? I know that's a big, potentially invasive question so please don't feel pressured to answer btw 💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I can’t say I know many people with multiple spouses, but each to their own. My parents had an arranged marriage, but even arranged marriages come in different forms, my parents were never forced, and goes completely against our values. My paternal granny was looking for a guy for me and thought she found a good one. My parents were like no, don’t speak to the guy’s family. I had no interaction with this guy whatsoever. I feel like sometimes in older generations, people would get married after looking at a photo. The newer generation are different.

It is hard to know if someone is a safe person. I think sometimes we have to trust our gut. I feel insecure about my mental illnesses and trauma history

[Jynx]

@creative_writer yeah totally, and like I have nothing against arranged marriages - when they're safe, sane, consensual - and that is different to the kind of coercion I was referring to. I'm glad it worked out for your parents!! And yeah there's massive generational differences hey, like my parents got married when mum was only 19! That absolutely baffles me, I'm early 30's and still don't feel ready to 'settle down'. To each their own indeed!

Tis good indeed to trust one's gut! And yeah, totally understandable, especially when we're still bombarded with so much stigma and misunderstandings when we do decide to share. I spose there's a reason the majority of my friends have some kind of alphabet soup of diagnoses 😅

[creative_writer]

@Jynx my parents are not even the type to get married after looking at a photograph. Maybe my granny’s views are different, she comes from a different time. I would’ve been so angry if someone went ahead to talk about my marriage without my consent.

Mental health is still associated with stigma, even among health professionals. Once you have a mental health diagnosis, physical symptoms often get attributed to it

[Jynx]

Soz was on PGC.

Yeah it's awful right @creative_writer can feel like a modern day brand 😞 I hope... nay, I know, you will find your people, the ones who will offer compassion instead of judgement 😉💜

I'm off hun, catch you next time 😁

[creative_writer]

@Jynx all good, I couldn’t make it today, was too tired.

Bipolar especially has a lot of stigma attached to it. I feel like sometimes people don’t realise the unconscious biases they have

[creative_writer]

I cancelled my psychologist appointments for the rest of the year

[creative_writer]

@Unsaidprodigy sorry didn’t see your post earlier, completely agree with what you said.