BPD

[Unicorn1961]

Hi,  New to this forum.

It's taken over 30 years to be finally diagnosed. I have only recently experienced the full impact of this disorder when my daughter moved back home.I have lived alone for 7 years and been single for 24 years.Isolation has been my safe place.Not having a diagnosis or understanding BPD until 2 years ago.

The last 6 months have been hard.

My daughter has her own mental health issues,not surprising given my mental health.

Just wanting to talk.I feel so responsible for her pain.

She is only home because of financial reasons.The ideal would be to have her own place.Every day is a constant reminder of my dysfunction.

[hanami]

Hi @Unicorn1961 

Welcome! I'm sorry to hear things have been so hard for you and your daughter. I can understand that feeling of pain for your children. My youngest daughter has had a few health issues that I often blame my own genes on. I know I shouldn't but it's what we often do as parents. It's really really hard to see your kids not doing so well. It's heartbreaking. And then you have your own diagnosis to manage and accept. I'm glad you reached out and hope others chime in and say hi. 

Warmest wishes

Hanami

[Unicorn1961]

Thank you Hanami for your answer. Feels like you are on your own planet sometimes.

[myheartache]

Hey Unicorn1961,
I have mental health challenges. I have a daughter with mental health challenges. I was a single parent with a lot of stressors that contributed to mine, and most likely my daughter's mental health outcomes. I struggle consistently with guilt. Sometimes overwhelmingly so. My daughter has cut contact with me because she is blaing me for a lot of her issues. I am struggling again. I feel like the struggle may never end. Having spoken to outher single parents with mental health complexities, it is what happens to us. I am currently in therapy and have reached out to my friends, the small handful that I have and they have been a great comfort and support. Surround yourself with things, people situations that can reinforce the good things you have done. Remind yourself of the good you have done, raising your daughter, looking after yourself. Its the small things like this that are the big things. Love yourself, enough to allow that to happen. x

[Unicorn1961]

Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences with me.It helps to hear from others and not feel alone.

[saturnzoon]

Welcome @Unicorn1961 to this forum 

@hanami and @myheartache i have  found most people don't know or understand BPD and even some specialists thinks it's Bipolar they think there much the same but now to finally axceept it as a mental health diagnosis for a few years now and get the help we need.

I struggle with the guilty feelings to I have with my kids as well especially with my 2 sons who have mental illness and I feel like it's all my fault,  it's hard enough getting the right help for us and we want our kids to have the same.help when there younger, so hopefully they can better understand what they go through.

It is still hard to not feel guilty but slowly getting there with right therapist. 

We are all doing the best we can so should not be so hard on ourselves, and try to be kinder with ourselves.

[V0NN]

My daughter also moved home because of financial reasons. I thought it would be a good opportunity to reconnect after her being out of home for almost 5 years now, but it wasn't what either of us expected, and after 8 months we had an explosive argument where my daughter confessed that she hated me and she viewed me as toxic and she viewed her childhood as abusive.

Somehow I had had no idea up to that point that she'd felt that way about me for so long.

I can't explain how devastating that was to hear, and how it has affected me/us since. My husband ended up buying me a ticket to NZ to visit my mum for two weeks and gave my daughter 2 weeks notice to find somewhere else to live. 

When I came home she was gone and she hasn't spoken to me since. To be fair, I've been too scared to reach out to her too.

My heart is broken.

Upon reflection I can now see her point of view, and thanks to the passage of time I've reached a point where I am now glad that she felt she was able to tell me how she really felt. But...fuck...what a wake up call.

I was originally diagnosed with manic depression at age 16, then Bipolar type 1 at age 35, then BPD 14 months ago, and complex PTSD 6 months ago. I am now 45.

I KNOW I've been a shit xunt, and I've spent the last 4 or 5 years doing some hard work trying to rectify a lot of mistakes and retraining my thought patterns and reactions to triggering situations, but my daughter doesn't know this, she'd moved out by then.

All I can do (I think?) is accept this shitty situation, keep doing the work, and hope that I am open and accepting and READY if she wants to talk to me again one day.

I miss her so damn much and I work constantly reminding myself to not close my heart to her the way I would normally when I feel someone has hurt me.

I don't know if I ever told her that she was the only reason I chose to live every day, and I don't know if it's something you should tell your child. But I do know I battle with suicidal ideation because of the guilt I carry. AND I know I want to be alive if/when she decides she needs or wants me again.

So I'm just here waiting. Not sure if that's "healthy", but that's where I'm at.

I hope that sharing this with you helps you to see that the worst case scenario is not necessarily the worst case scenario. Sometimes it's an opportunity to reflect on how far you've actually come... I mean, she told me the truth... that has to be a good thing right?

[myheartache]

Dear Saturbnzoon,

you are so right when you say no one understands BPD. Its a cruel illness for all concerned.

X