Skip to main content
Forums Home
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Welcome & getting started

Historylover
Senior Contributor

What to take for emotional pain?

Hello everyone. Just writing to express my pain. I don't know what else to do. 

 

My unit refurbishment was completed on Wednesday – as much as they are going to do, anyway. I've never heard of painting which didn't include skirting boards, timber surrounds on door frames and cupboard doors, but that is how it has been left. Anyway, the carpet went down – a different colour from the one I was expecting, but it is the most practical from the six offered. I'd call the colour grey-brown. It had the effect of flattening the mood of the unit so yesterday I bought a gorgeous rug to lift the mood. I'm going to paint my table top too. Perhaps red to really brighten the place up. I'm currently washing all my trinkets from my display cabinet, and things will be back in order soon. What then?

 

I was suicidal recently – seriously so, and you all pulled me out of it. It doesn't last long and I'm thoroughly lost again. I have no idea what I am going to do. I have finished my course and enrolled for another beginning in January. That's five weeks away.

 

I am not in immediate danger and, as always, am not a danger to others, but I think about suicide. Not today, not tomorrow but when I simply can't take any more of this pain.

 

My family are causing me the most pain and are enjoying it all. I am doing my unit up so that when they come to collect my things, they will remember who they once were. But perhaps that would be wishful thinking. Perhaps they prefer underachievement and becoming their lesser selves. That they are doing this to me shows what I was contending with in my marital home. There is a basketball term that is appropriate – all-on-one. That is what my marriage and family was like. It extended throughout my kinship group. I had no allies. I have no allies. 

 

When my unit is tidy again, I'll feel like I am in Alladin's cave. But I have no-one to share it with, and perhaps their sensibilities would be different to mine anyway. This sure is a 'funny' world, and relationships are beyond me, it seems.

 

I can't take much more. I have so much to offer and there is no-one in the real world I would offer my friendship to, so far. People my age have homes, careers, families, wealth. I have been systematically stripped of mine. I used to call it asset stripping, but hadn't realized the person I was discussing it with was asset stripping me in the most devastating and complete way possible. How he must have enjoyed his subterfuge.

 

I guess I just wanted to express my pain. I'm hurting so badly and don't know what to do. I don't think my ex-psychiatrist would have been so careless as to leave a door open for me that led to a contented and fulfilled life. That wasn't in his game plan. I don't know what to do.

25 REPLIES 25

Re: What to take for emotional pain?

Hi there Historylover,

I can hear that things are really tough for you at the moment and I'm a concerned that whilst you mention you are currently safe, that this may change for you. 

 

We want you to know that you don't have to sit in this pain and loss alone, and I want to encourage you to reach out, should you feel you need someone to talk to, when things feel overwhelming:

Lifeline on: 13 11 14 
Suicide Call Back Service on: 1300 659 467
Both these services operate 24/7.

There is also counselling support provided by SANE (10am to 10pm Monday to Friday AEST/AEDT.) which you can reach on: 1800 187 263

It can be challenging to experience familial pain, and feelings related to loss (in this case it sounds like you feel you've lost a career, assets and more, is that right?). 

 

Isolation can be really hard. You mentioned you feel like you don't have poeple in your life to talk to and I'm wondering if there are other places you trust to reach out when you feel this way? i.e. any social and/or professional support?

Rhye ☘️


Re: What to take for emotional pain?

Hi there @Historylover 

I'd just like to reiterate what @Rhye said and let you know that you are definitely not alone and that you do matter, especially here on the forums. I love reading what you post and find you to be a very smart and interesting as well as intelligent person.
You seem to be interested in studying and that's great to hear. What course are you going to study in January? I'm also involved in uni study with a course in psychology that's just ended for the year. I'm also planning to combine my uni course with a Tafe course in mental health on a part time basis next year in February  (it's only 12 months and I need to get a job which I'll do part time along with uni which will take another 5 years part time at least!)!

 

I wish you all the best and hope you realise that this rough period will pass, like a rough ocean at the beach. Eventually the waves calm down and the ocean is calm and inviting again. Please stay strong and remember that you are a brave and courageous person!

 

Take care!

Judi9877☺️🍀

Re: What to take for emotional pain?

Hello @Rhye. Thank you for your reply. I'm finished Rhye. I think of myself as one who has been given a terminal diagnosis and it's just a matter of time. I understand how such people feel now, always hoping for a last minute miracle. There won't be one for me and hope is so cruel. I have to accept that there is nothing I can do but ride this one out. 

 

How I'd love to see another psychiatrist and be able to feel in a safe place, but it seems when a psychiatrist sees another psychiatrist's patient, they are more interested in the other's methods and outcomes and less interested in me, personally. Like I am just there to satisfy their curiousity. And I leave feeling used.

 

I genuinely don't think anyone can help me. My ex-psychiatrist was too thorough. He systematically took everyone and everything away from me while I thought he was helping me. I gave him full rein and followed his every misdirection even when it didn't make sense. I just thought he knew better than me and, anyway, if I didn't do as he said, how do you think my treatment could have proceeded? 

 

My life was already in ruin. He took over my thinking and corrected my misconceptions. He put me on the right track. I tried to take my family with me on a corrected path but they only wanted me if I could be manipulated and controlled. I became the third wheel in a family of four. 

 

No, I didn't lose a career. He put me on a pension soon after my family broke down and I put myself out of it so that my ex-husband would return and my children could have peace for the first time in their lives. My health broke down completely and it was many, many years before I was able to stay out of bed for a half day and the other half recovering from the exertion. Again, I thought he had a grand plan. I thought he knew what he was doing, but he was just experimenting on me it seems. 

 

There are days when I think I'm wrong about him, but I have always given him the benefit of the doubt, assuming there are things I don't understand and that he is so much wiser than me. To get my head around the fact that he did this to me on purpose is more than I can hope to cope with. He gave me financial advice which ensures I will never have a home, he made me try to correct everyone's destructive behaviour and all it did was to alienate me from everybody. I now can't trust him and I have no spare bridges. He made me burn them all. How he must have loved every minute of treating this gullible fool. I have had everything taken from me but the education he gave me which was supposed to render me suited to his social group. The result is that the way I see the world, people's behaviour etc. is very different to the way others see it,  and I can't discuss anything with anyone. I'm isolated in every way. He planned this meticulously.

 

What I'd give to have a psychiatrist who had genuine competence and empathy, to be able to talk things through. But I had one who rebuilt me completely. Another will only start to try to unpick who I am – imagine all manner of disorders I don't have (they are the only normal ones) and cause me all sorts of problems.

 

I don't have personality problems. I have isolation problems, coping-with-the-worst- betrayal problems etc., and there is no way out of them. I will try a little longer but I know it won't work, and there's every chance I will now self-sabotage in anticipation. I have given up finding decent people in my real world with whom I can relate on sufficient levels and most of them are my deficiencies – no common ground because I don't have a home, family, friends, wealth etc. I hurt so badly and my ex-psychiatrist is loving it. 

 

I'm safe.

Re: What to take for emotional pain?

Thank you for your response, @Judi9877. Sadly, it won't pass. I've tried everything already and am hurting even more from the fruitless results. I'm studying online because I am best on my own now and can still achieve something. I'm trying to recover from what has gone before, and the interpersonal relationships which were disastrous – not because of anything I did wrong. I just don't seem to be able to find where I fit in this world and I am now more handicapped than before because of my personal situation. 

 

I had wanted to do a course in Psychology and Sociology because that is my natural fit, but I may not be able to get in on my limited formal education, and warming up to serious study slowly is wiser, I think. I have finished one introductory course and in the new year will start Politics and Citizenship – another short course. I have never been interested in politics but thought it was about time I took an interest. I think it will be interesting anyway. I had preferred to do Aboriginal Studies but it didn't start until March or April and I couldn't wait that long. Perhaps, if the work load isn't too great in the politics course, I will take on the Aboriginal Studies as well. It's just that I don't want to take on too much and do both things badly. 

 

I'd love to do an in-class course, but I just can't take anymore of people. I don't think I'll ever recover from them. My life is just so messy.

 

Re: What to take for emotional pain?

Hi @Historylover ,

 

I hear you, and can understand the resignation/acceptance you have towards ending your life. Your experience with your psychiatrist is truly awful, and it's understandable why you lack of trust in others and hold doubts about a better future. My parents left me with a similar outlook on people and life, and I was where you are right now for years as a result.

 

I can understand how an experience of betrayal with someone we trust so fully can completely destroy our view of the world, how it impacts our ability to connect with others and ourself. I can understand the hurt in not knowing why horrible things happened to us, and the feeling that horrible things will keep happening to us. I can also understand feeling broken beyond repair and not seeing a way forward. In my situation, my parents left me feeling so distrusting and afraid of others that I couldn't open myself up to anyone, let alone a psychologist. I felt truly alone and thought there were no other options too.

 

But I am here today. My life changed a lot, and I feel so much freer and hopeful. While our experiences are not quite the same, I believe that it can change for you too. Every day that I held on, was a chance for someone to give me a reason to trust again. We're here to give you those reasons should you choose to stay connected here with us Heart

Re: What to take for emotional pain?

I worshipped the ground he walked on @cloudcore – not because he is a doctor, but because of the person he presented himself as, because of what he had done for me. But it was all to gain my absolute trust. What sort of person does that? I didn't ask him for friendship – he offered it.  And it was just a trick. He was the 'perfect person', my role model. How could anyone, especially a psychiatrist, do that to anyone? 

 

Perhaps I am wrong, but I saw his intellect as astounding! It made me feel a little frightened, because with his 'strike rate' it was easy to trust his expertise without hesitation. He almost never made a mistake – that I discerned anyway. But it seems that the only mistakes he made were those which did the greatest harm to my attempts to get my family back on track, were in his best interest, and those who sought to destroy me to advance themselves at my expense.

 

I have to ask – is that the true nature of people? That everyone is just looking after themselves and will happily throw anyone under the bus at the first opportunity to advance themselves. I couldn't even trust my own parents! I had to always be on guard. They were abused by others and did the same to me, a domino effect.  

 

I can't recover from this. It's been two years and the pain is still overwhelmingly intense, still keeps me from sleeping well. The thought of trying to find people I can fit with now is not something I feel comfortable doing. I don't think he would have been so careless as to leave me recovery room. I simply don't know what to do. I have tried everything. And I hurt so much. 

 

 

Re: What to take for emotional pain?

Your newly-refurbished flat sounds lovely - I hope that you can find some peaceful rest and comfort there.

When you say that your ex-psychiatrist's 'game plan' was to leave you hurting, with no way out, the only thing to do, I think, is the unexpected. What does your ex-psychiatrist expect you to do?

Have you given any more thought to my suggestion of finding ways to 'cut the cord' tying you to your ex-psychiatrist?

Re: What to take for emotional pain?

My newly refurbished flat is delightful, @Gwynn, and will be even better when I paint the table, probably red, and get a bit more colour about. It really is lovely. I don't have much but what I have is treasured. As for my ex-psychiatrist, he expects me to commit suicide @Gwynn, or spend a life of absolute solitude and misery. He has no conscience.

 

As for 'cutting the cord' @Gwynn, I'm sorry but that just sounds a little too 'magical' to me. He instilled himself in my psyche. My personality was rebuilt around his every advice. There is nothing I can do that doesn't remind me of his input into the life and person I have become. The books in my cabinet, the courses I take, my love of things Asian, my Asian antiques (a few), the number of times I wash my hands, the way I dress, how seldom I go to the doctor, the genealogy he helped me with, my taste, my education, my thrift, our telepathic connection – which astonishes me. 

 

Cutting the cord from him would be impossible. And where would I be then? He was my 'north star'. Everything good that ever happened to me since arriving in Melbourne has happened because of him. And everything catastrophically bad.  I am on my own – without loved ones, friends, a future. I am the only one in this block of units who has stayed from those who were here when I moved in. There is nothing stable in my life. Cutting the cord from him would be like cutting the cord from my  irreconcilable family. There is an indestructible bond whether we relate or not. We simply 'connect'.

 

What do you mean – do 'the unexpected'? Like what? I've tried everything.

Re: What to take for emotional pain?

hi @Historylover
im sorry things are so tough for you, i can relate to alot of what youve said. im sorry i dont really have many suggestions tonight but i wanted to stop in to let you know that your not alone and that im here listening Heart
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

For urgent assistance