His mental health is bad but what about my dreams

[Lostbear22]

I don’t really know if I’m the only one, feel defeated. My husband 31M has suffered anxiety for most of our relationship, he is on and off good and bad, his been on medication (edited by moderator) to help it. We got married  (together for 10y) and I 30F really want to have a baby, and this has been my whole life dream to be a mum, I have been patient and waited despite my feelings because husband hasn’t been ready because of his anxiety! I asked Him on our 1 year wedding anniversary he said yep but also got ‘triggered’ by it and told me I had to wait. We don’t have sex, mostly because of his meds, I want to try soo badly but always get told to wait or he rejects me when I suggest sex, even My MIL is involved now and trying to get him ‘help’ but is saying trying for a baby will have to wait 6months+. I can’t do that anymore every month I’m in tears and so sad that I get my period! I can’t talk to anyone about it because they just say oh just ask him, you will be pregnant soon, just wait, you’re still young, just have sex. 
how can I even hope when we aren’t even trying! I feel Like I’m losing my sparkle/light, I love This man so much but am I being a push over if I am Just waiting and putting my dream to the side. I have done everything: got a new full time job, saving money, taking prenatal, off birth control, ect. Booked husband in to see the doctor and hopefully get him on a mental health plan… 
I want To be a mother so badly, I feel Alone because people that are infertile or struggling to became pregnant are atleast trying!! I’m just waiting being ‘so patient’ as my MIL says! 
but In my head I keep thinking just need to have sex! Simple! I DON’T WANT TO WAIT… it hurts so much! 😞 

if I ask My husband he will say he wants children but no sex happening! 

[tacocat]

Hi @Lostbear22 

That's such a tough spot to be in... Hopefully there are members here that might have some good advice for you. 

We wanted to take this opportunity to welcome you to the forums.

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We look forward to seeing you around on the forums!

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Lostbear22 

That sounds so truly sad. Your dream cannot progress without the balance of both of your needs. Fertility can be a short window. I had a friend who lost her chance. Her partner couldn't/wouldn't sleep with her. No baby possible, his mental health, his work, his timing, his.. 🤨?

I hope he will work in with you. If not, what are your next steps? 

Where would your happiness, your dreams take you? x 

[Lostbear22]

Yeah exactly where do I go from here..
keep asking and give more seriousness?
Break off the marriage and just get pregnant alone with a donor?
I feel Like from him and his mum telling me to wait blah blah blah like wanting a child is selfish.
But it is a natural progression in a relationship when there is nothing in the way!
I really want to just be more loud more demanding for my dream! Fertility scares me, you’re right the window is tight!

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Lostbear22 

Just a forum tip, type @ and then choose the person's name in the drop down bar that will appear. This will tag them in your reply and let them know you've written back. 

It can be scary. Would you offer to go to marriage counselling? Or draw up a plan together? Having clearly defined agreements that allow both parties to be accountable can be helpful.

[Lostbear22]

@8ppleTree  Thanks for the tip still Learning 🙂 

yes we have done that in the past putting all our wants and needs on paper! And it helps! 
I have Also looked up marriage counselling but that’s also a pricey option! 

I think What I might Do Is ask again and be a bit more like firm. 
‘Do you know if you realistically want a baby in the next months?’ 
‘I have compromised in the past now it’s your turn, you do need to get help but if you are serious like I am About a baby we need to start now!’ 
I cant wait any longer so this is your chance to be honest if you want a baby I do and not willing to wait..

I don’t really want to do an ultimatum I have In the past. I do Want him to want the baby! 

xx

[Jasper_123]

Hey @Lostbear22 , gosh this sounds like such a tricky situation especially since you've been together for such a long time. I think that if we remove what your goal is (the baby) and think of it in more general terms - is your partner actively working on it? You've been together for a decade how has he progressed and what has he done to care for his own mental health? Our job in a relationship is not to sacrafice ourselves and to pick up another person pieces. You can't fix people. 

How has your sex life been previously? Do you think your partner may not be having sex because the focus is becoming pregnant and that puts pressure on his sexual performance? 

I think I would suggest having a firm conversation, not mean but open and direct. You are 30 but if you keep waiting your resentment will build and you may not have a baby. 

I would also suggest taking the pressure off sex - If you're comfortable you could suggest incorporating sensual activities: showering together, giving each other massages, setting aside time to kiss for 5 minutes with no expectation of sex. That's just some ideas. 

[Lostbear22]

sorry for the late response @Jasper_123 you have nailed all our issues on the head.
since husbands mental health decline our sex life declined as well.
In the very beginning we were very healthy and had sex and enjoyed it quite frequently. Then when husband and I suppose began being more adults, working full time, renting ect. He gained more issues with sex, it’s like he suddenly thought it was shameful or dirty and I felt like there was a shift to wanting to do it and feeling like it was a chore.
He was always too tired!
I allowed our frequency to drop and then was patient and started to wait for when he was ready.

in the last 3 years it’s been worse, I feel Like I am The only one that is aware of the lack of sex issue in our now marriage! 
I bring It up. We usually fight about it and then that’s that! 
Possibly TMI! 

I have tried other just intimacy things, date nights, kissing, foreplay ect. The effort doesn’t last. 

I really would love to know if anyone has experienced low desire from a medication? How does it really work? Is it like an out of mind don’t think of it thing? 
like men think about sex? Right its hormonal? and you want it? Like I want To know so many things. 
does he feel shame with sex? 
do some men just not think about sex? 
like how much is it the side of medication and how much is it him? 
surely there’s plenty of men on this stuff and they still have sex? 

I spoke just briefly about it when he was fillin his script. He was embarrassed I was saying his genitals and can’t even talk about ‘sex’ he was almost acting like a grade six and quickly went quiet and changed the subject! 

The big firm but not mean chat needs to be done but maybe I need To do it with a Third party like a sex therapist or couples therapist! 

Im now just ranting! I just really never thought the man would be the one that’s not keen on sex! 
I feel so lonely and my self esteem is so low, I keep Making reasons up in my head. 

please anyone, can you share your insights or experiences or how men think about sex? 

[tyme]

Sorry, @Lostbear22 ,

I can't say I have much to share, but I can hear you have a lot of questions.

It sounds like your husband's mental health is affecting your relationship. Does he have supports? Do you think he would consider seeing a marriage counsellor or something?

Hopefully others will be able to share more of their experiences.

@Jasper_123 @8ppleTree 

[8ppleTree]

Hello again @Lostbear22 

It's ok to feel like this, and there are real issues with trust and intimacy that can only be addressed if both parties are open to working through them together. I can hear that you have been supportive of your husband's mental health, and that's fantastic to want to support and understand your partner so you can grow your futures in a healthy manner. 

I also would also suggest getting counselling together. Your own self esteem, goals and mental health are just as important for your future happiness. 

Hope you're finding a way forward that brings healing for both of you 🙂