I need some perspective.
TLDR;
I love him dearly but don't know if I'm being manipulated into thinking I'm the problem when I'm not or at least not entirely the problem, or if I actually am. I know I need help as well, but I also know that 9 times out of 10 the heated moments we have are usually sparked by him.
My partner (28 M) and I (25 F) have been together for almost a decade now, and I love him to pieces but he has always had issues with emotional disregulation and anger. Undiagnosed ADHD and CPTSD had him using weed to self medicate just to survive (his words) for 10+ years until he was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago and went sober as his usage was leading him into psychosis. He had a narcissistic mother that pitted him against his dad so there's trauma there too.
I, on the other hand, was sexually abused by a family member as a child starting from when I was 3 yrs old, blamed myself for many years for it and on top of that grew up in a hoarder house as my mother has dealt with her own mental health issues all my childhood.
But alas I need some perspective,
Lately my partner and I have had some heated moments? I wouldn't really class them as fighting, we don't yell in each other's faces or throw things or insult each other but we both get very defensive and stubborn and feel the need to be validated and listened to whilst all the while making the whole moment worse.
An example would be;
I had a day off work, he worked all day, he gets home in the afternoon and sees that the dishes aren't done yet (after me doing the dishes the previous day and spent all that day doing the laundry and vacuuming) and so before cooking dinner, he starts doing the dishes.
I'll ask if he needs any help, he says no he's got it. Then something will happen in the process of doing the dishes like a cup slips out of his hands and that sets him off, he'll yell and I'll ask if he's okay and if he needs any help, and he then he'll say something like "oh well I could have used help earlier, or well it would have been good if you did the dishes today".
I'll listen, and nod along because I understand that yes, I could have done them earlier that day, but then I'll try to explain that I did the laundry and the vacuuming and then he'll say (he says it often) "oh you're just getting defensive now" while he's the one with the stern voice and ridget posture.
(If I ever speak up during this moment whether to explain myself or anything really, he will slam his hand against the table or kick something and then proceed to tell me how hard he tried to communicate properly and then make me feel like I didn't communicate properly, he'll also make it very clear that he's worked all day, all week and that he's exhausted. I'm a shift worker so my job isn't as consistent but I also don't sit on my ass all day doing nothing either)
I'll stay silent for the most part during this point and I'll bite my tongue despite how much I feel the need to explain myself or defend myself and I'll admit I get defensive but only when he assumes something about me or accuses me of something that I don't remember doing/saying. (In which case I would point it out, and it would make it worse)
He associates my explanation as defensiveness which irritates me because he will use his trauma/mother as an excuse for his behaviour.
Whenever anything like this occurs I tend to "back up", try to let him have his space but he doesn't like to be left alone in moments like this but it also doesn't exactly feel good being in moments like that either so I try to just sit near him but my instinct is to go do something else to keep busy while he processes it but I don't do that.
I tend to feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him sometimes.