Needing advice

[Shelly4]

I am 31yrs old. i meet a poly couple online and have met them in person a few times in the past. They seem great people but say that I work too much as I do work 7 days a week 2 different jobs but that was my coping mechanism. I have a diagnosis of major depressive disorder, anxiety, cptsd and BPD traits. Now to show they are committed to be they wanted to get a tattoo of my name and the other gf name, and give me a baby so I could spend more time with them. My psychologist and psychiatrist say that I am just seeking something to fill a void and have attachment issues. My best friend thinks they are great for me because they actually do care about me and love me. My work colleague and housemate say they are love bombing and manipulating me. I am so confused whether this is a healthy relationship for be in be. I don't know what I want as my mental health is not great and I have been having BPD splits and I tried to explain that to the couple but they just put it down to everyone has bad days 

[8KZTL7]

@Shelly4 

Whilst I may not fully understand the dynamic you are choosing to be in. I do understand mental health, love emotions and all other things you are going through. 

I see exactly where your work colleagues and house mate are coming from, and it potentially appears to be the case. To truly love someone or be committed doesnt need to result in a tattoo or baby making. It should be pure raw and honest. Filled with understanding, communication. 

For them to say everyone has bad days to me that screams palming off, lack of understanding or even trying to understand you. 

Whilst I know this can be hard you are already stronger for seeking professional help in more ways than one, having other support as well. 

Take each day as it comes, maybe prepare a pros and cons list and decide the best decision for yourself. 

Your not alone you have the strength to overcome this. 

Here if you need to speak 

@8KZTL7 🖤🖤

[Jynx]

Hey @Shelly4 wow that sounds suuuper stressful for you to be navigating. I can hear how confusing and overwhelming it is, having such different opinions coming from all sides. 

I think @8KZTL7 summed it up beautifully already - that love isn't something to prove, or buy, or barter. In my own life, I have found that people who need to 'prove' their love - with tattoos or moving in together really quickly - have been tactics employed by abusive and toxic people in an attempt to keep control. I am not saying that this is 100% the case in your situation, but it is potentially worth considering the implications. 

Maybe you could give 1800RESPECT a buzz and chat it through with one of their lovely counsellors?

In any case, I am poly/a relationship anarchist my own self!! So if you ever wanna chat relationship stuff with another non-monogamous person feel free to tag me 😋

[Former-Member]

Hi @Shelly4, Welcome to the forums, I am also in a poly relationship (3 separate partners and me in the middle), I have found communication to be the most important thing, and if they aren't listening / understanding or dismissing what you are saying in regards to your BPD it can lead to problems.

In regards to the tattoo and baby are you ok with that? is it something you want or suggested? or could it be something they are using to keep you tied to them? if you are confused I would recommend taking a step back to gather your breath and thoughts, if they do care for you they will understand, rather than react negatively or talk you out of it.

I have a similar diagnosis to you, minus the BPD and this can play havoc with my emotions, not to mention overthinking things, and imagining the worst. It has been a challenge in the past not working myself up with assumptions, I now just focus on what I know for sure, the facts, rather than overthinking reasons for thoughts and things.

Please take care with this as many people can and do take advantage of us when we are in vulnerable mental states.

Don't be afraid to reach out for help when you need it!