Am Not Coping

[Zoe7]

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the  multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Zoe7

Sooo glad to hear from you in person .....

We understand what you are going through and are here for you ....

I know you said you didn't want replies .... and you can choose not to read any .... but we have come to know and love you, and can understand the sense of overwhelm you are struggling with.

Hugs n hugs Hon .....

Even if you do take a break, please stay with the forum.

❤️💕💐

[Appleblossom]

Just so good to see your profile pic

[Former-Member]

---

@Zoe7 wrote:

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

 It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'. 

---

Hi @Zoe7 - I know you asked for no responses but I just needed to say this. What you wrote you attempted was what I feared had happened. I feel uncomfortable about how this was handled by Sane now. Damn the legals when it comes to saving a life as this overrides it, overrides all- a welfare check should of been sought in this situation where a life was at obvious risk.

 There seems to be much campaigning and concern with the stigma of MI because it could heighten the risk of suicide - but when there is an obvious endangerment of such we can't act in the fear it may break privacy laws? If a neighbours house is on fire do we not try and break in and rescue because of invading and breaking privacy laws? Same rule applies. Leaves me with a chill.  Not right.

Ahhh Zoe 😢. And your explaination changes everything and meant so much to me that words could not express. Thank you. So good just to hear from you.

We are okay. I won't say anymore to respect your wishes except to say "reach out to someone and seek help where you do feel comfortable". You matter to so many of us and this is now of the upmost importance and urgency.  If that is reaching out here that would be great. Don't feel uncomfortable as you are welcomed with open arms, understanding and love. If not please seek it somewhere that you do feel comfortable asap. 

You are not a failure but a person in pain and so many of us can so relate. My heart bleeds for you. Sending lots of love always 💕

[Former-Member]

Oh @Zoe7 😢,
I'm deeply sorry you went through all that alone. I know it will take you a long time to process all of what has happened. Please don't let what happened on the forum make you feel like you need to lose the support you have here. Take your time. There will always be support here for you. I hope your beautiful psychologist and GP are right by your side again supporting you the best way possible.
Please please take good care of you in what ever way works best for you. Sending loads of healing hugs 💜🤗💐

[Zoe7]

@Former-Member Please do not place any blame on anyone but me. Nothing or no-one would have stopped me at the time. The fact that I failed means I now have to try and deal with the fallout - and that is totally on ME and NO-ONE else. The only place you need to direct your anger towards is me for putting you all through this. Please do not blame anyone else.

[Former-Member]

@Zoe7I know what it's like to be where you are now. I've been there too. You can make it past this. This is a really messy time trying to make sense of it all and you will be flipping with everything. You're emotions will be out of control. Please take some of this off you for now as hard as that may seem. Try not to add all this to your load right now. Are you in hospital?

[Zoe7]

No @Former-Member I'm home. I can't forgive myself for what I put everyone through. I really did not want to worry anyone - I wanted the exact opposite - but I failed at that too. I'm really not sure how I will ever get past that. There is nothing I can do or say that will change what I put everyone through.

[BlueBay]

@Zoe7 I've been thinking and praying for you after I read your post the other day. Sorry that you were suffering so much pain alone. Pls take care. Don't be too hard on yourself. You will be okay.
Love BlueBay ❤️❤️

[Former-Member]

No there isn't @Zoe7 because you don't need to. You just need to work on getting better and past this. This is what my therapist tells me. For her, no apology from me after my SH or attempts makes a real difference, just working out how to move past it is. She says the only thing she wants from me is to get back up again. I can't talk for everyone else but this is what I feel for you. You have apologised and feel terrible about it but now you can put the forum part behind you and find the support that will bring you back to where we saw you a month ago. You can do it but you need help to do it which is ok. We are here and I hope your psychologist and GP are too. I've had to look at my kids in the eye after and I can't because of the shame, so I hide until I can face it all again. It passes @Zoe7 and no one holds it against you. I'm sure your supports here won't. I definitely don't. I just want the very best for you.