Am Not Coping

[Eden1919]

@Zoe7 it is kind of like that yes 

[Zoe7]

I am starting to get a much better picture of what it is like for you sometimes @Eden1919 I do get the safety thing - not wanting to move and being hyper-vigilent when the fears take over - as any little movement or thought could bring on the danger. It is a really scary place to be - and it is not just in your mind - it consumes every inch of you - there is no room for any rational thought as all your instincts and thoughts are solely 'survival'

[Zoe7]

@Former-Member anyone around to chat to?

[Zoe7]

It seems that in the middle of the night when I am still awake and not able to even consider sleeping that I am also completely alone. I don't necessarily need to 'talk' but I do need some company to help distract me from my thoughts. This is the hardest part of the day - it is entering the time of the night when I am exhausted but awake, my mind is in over-drive and I am in the middle of the darkness - not knowing what to do, where to turn or how to find my way through.

There have been so many people on here providing support, kind words and encouragement to fight through until the storm lifts and better times may present themselves - but I don't believe this will happen. I have been standing in the rain while the flood waters slowly rise to cover me. The flood level is so high now that I am barely able to keep my head above it and keep breathing - one more downpour and I will be under. The flood does not seem like it will ever abate - the dam walls broke weeks ago and the water came rushing in with intensity and force. Now it is so deep and fast flowing that no-one or nothing can wade it's way through to reach me - I am going under - it is only a matter of time until it happens. I fear the only rescue that will come will be eternal darkness. I am seeing this as nearly inevitable - I do not think I have any hope left - and I certainly cannot see any light in the distance. Maybe fighting it is a futile exercise and I should simply give in to my thoughts and allow my fears to become reality. Either way - I have no future - and the past wins the final race!

[Zahlia]

I'm around @Zoe7 🙂
I just sent you an email checking in as I was worried about your last post and the thoughts you are having. 

We can chat tonight if you like? 

[Zoe7]

@Sans911 Thought it might be more appropriate to chat in this thread. Hope you don't mind!

Yep I am struggling. I always do in the early hours f the morning if I can't sleep or am woken during the night. My sleepy meds don't work when my mind is racing - sometimes I 'fight' through it because I don't want to sleep. I hate being this way too - so frustration, exhausting and debilitating at times.

[Eden1919]

@Zoe7 it sucks to hear you are still awake that must be really annoying to be dealing with although I am in the same boat but I don't feel nearly as tired as you must. And yes the fear is awful and often comes along with the depression for me if you are still up I will probably be around for another hour to chat

[Sans911]

@Zoe7No I don't mind. I am still navigating my way around this site, and where and how I fit, so I am ok with being directed. Yes, I just read your post above, and I am sorry you feel that way. There are many days I feel like I am being tumbled over and over in the surf, fighting to get a breath in, but I can't. So in the end I give up and give in to the darkness that envelopes me. I let myself drown because at least I can be at peace for a while. And I don't have to keep fighting the stupid fight.This week has been especially difficult. It's the first time in probably the last 9months that I just really want to stop getting better, whatever that better looks like. I want to stop being in DBT, therapy, whatever. It's just tiresome and frustrating.

[Eden1919]

@Sans911 I get that feeling of wanting to quit trying to get better sometimes it all seems like too much effort.

[Sans911]

@Eden1919@- hey didn't realise you were still awake!! But of course I have noticed you and @Zoe7@ are night owls

I have missed 2 DBT sessions already, one because I just had surgery, and one because I just couldn't do it. If I miss another 2 sessons, I will be kicked off. I just don't if I really care anymore, because I haven't seen the skills be that helpful in managing my SH & SI impulses, which is one of my biggest issues in the last 6 months.I have gained some benefit in other areas, but nothing life chaging or moving goal posts.

And the thought of changing therapists-uggggh. I can't even go there.