Lived Experience Forum

[Shaz51]

Ohhh hugs my mumma bear @Owlunar and sitting with you 💖 

[Owlunar]

Thanks @Shaz51 

It's great that you are there - I know you care - and know about scary stuff.

You have got a lot going on yourself - your cousin being tired of life - that's a toughie - I don't know your cousin - I don't know how you can deal with that.

And of course you might be teary - with all that - and a visit from your auntie making you teary - does she understand how much you have on your plate right now? I know there was tension in your family when your mum was still at home - has this eased with her in residential care? There isn't much more you can do about it now - except being there for your Mum.

Perhaps your relatives have always leaned on you - it's tough.

I also hear that Mr Shaz has been doing a lot of work - at home and at work - perhaps you are waiting for the other shoe to fall - I get it.

Thinking of you @Shaz51 

Mumma Bear

Owlunar

[Shaz51]

Love you my mumma bear @Owlunar ❤️

Ohh my aunty knows me soo well and she understands,  she wants me to move forward while still caring for mum in aged care which I still feel strange doing too much in my mum's house while she is still alive 

Well Mr shaz has kinda of partly fallen off due to his sister upsetting him once again , she has done it all his life , so it is good that we now have a day off tomorrow 

Think my aunty is scared of when and how her closest sister is going to go 

[Owlunar]

Aw @Shaz51 - yes - your mum will pass - and this is something you are thinking about - and of course - her sister - that is hard for both of you to face.

And it will affect you differently - I have found though life - even with aged relatives - each one is different - we can't predict how it will be - and I ask - does this make it harder.

And Mr Shaz has been upset by his sister - again - all his life - I am pretty sure he has no defence against this - and I understand - the only way I can deal with my siblings is to totally keep away from them. This isn't always the best way to cope with the situation - I understand - it works for me - certainly not for everyone.

I'm glad you have the day off tomorrow and hope you both have a rest.

And you are living in your mum's house - it must feel strange - I remember you decided not to rebuild your old house after the fire - so this is your life for now. Time to make plans about the future will come when you are ready.

Best thoughts

Mumma Bear

Owlunar

[Appleblossom]

@Owlunar 

I am glad your burn is healing and the home help is happening.

Re your Dental work ... in a way having it done under general sounds the right approach. In your own good and readey time, I am sure you will organise it thoroughly and well. You have never struck me in the slightest as a sook... not me either ...

Really hearing you when you wrote  "I guess I can be pretty tough about my frailties - own them - endure them - and live through them - without someone making light of the issues." Your daughter's lack of maturity about it all ... is tough ... all we can hope is that they do the essential growing up while we are alive, cos if they do not, they are more likely to regret it after our passing.  I am somewhat at home with thinking of own passing ... sad maybe ... but I will try not to hasten it. 

Therapists ... it is good you have managed to work through all the issues of your son's death and your parents'reactions.  Just the fact that you took him on, shows a lot about the depth of loving in you.  

Re your daughter,   "she is the most precious thing in my world after my own life. "  Of course she is.  Mothers should not always be expected to be sacrificial lambs though we often make sacrifices.  Over the course of time it takes to raise children, we will inevitably experience and feel many things and a huge array of emotions, while parenting.  There needs to be sufficient allowance for mothers as whole human beings not just parents.  The intimacy and closeness of the mother daughter relationship is the probably the trickiest and touchiest in all life.

I was looking at buying some merino arran knit jumpers for my 3 biological offspring.  Little symbols of care ... its hard to always know what to do, but we keep trying ...

[Owlunar]

@Appleblossom 

Hi Apple - I lost my whole reply - the way it happens - we never lose the little answers - just the long well thought out ones - I hadn't finished it either.

Anyway - those of us who are strong enough to take a lot of life on the chin - maybe we have been though a lot to learn about ourselves and when we are vulnerable. We can feel that way - and know it's all part of life.

I am prepared for my daughter's attitude and know I will not discuss it with her - or give her any explanations - that's where I made mistakes - trying to explain things to her when she wasn't listening - so that's it - and it may not happen that way. A couple of weeks of silence can help - I don't carry grudges - she is a bit like my mother and does - still I reflect on that and accept the way she is - I have never tried to change her.

I am at ease with my own death - and my life is too interesting for it to be soon - I don't know about the mythology about "after-lives" - I am agnostic in regard to those issues - and okay with it. 

We are not there when our mothers pass - I saw my mother's regret - too late for her - and I understood and forgave her - I needed therapy afterwards though - when it was safe to remember what she had been like - yeah - tough yards - it's easier now.

And having telehealth calls with a therapist about my son's life and death and my parents' attitude is really working out now. And the wonderful thing about my son is not that I kept this unhappy adopted baby - the really glorious gift to us both was that I kept him and never abandoned him - that is the truly magnificent part of all of this - and that I know it.

And I loved him - strange that - how deep that love was - and quite differently to the way I love my daughter - she has never understood that - I guess she has to work through a lot.

Thanks Apple - your counsel means so much to me

Owlunar

[Oaktree]

Hi Mumma Bear @Owlunar 

So sorry that the trip to the dentist did not turn out well. I also think it will be better and less stressful for you to get the work done under a general anaesthetic. Good for you for knowing what you can and cannot do. Sorry if you thought that I made light of your phobia but I did not know that it was a phobia and I was only trying to be supportive.

I don’t know the story of your son, only that he is no longer alive and that your parents weren’t supportive when he died. I would be happy to listen if you want to talk about him. Sometimes talking can be therapeutic. 

I am sorry that you and your daughter are not seeing eye to eye right now. I pray that your relationship will be mended and she will see that you have a right to live the way you choose to. 

How is your garden growing? It has been raining here the last few days so I have not been able to put my new pots to use just yet. I do have the potting mix ready to go though. 

I have been feeling a bit blue but I think that is correlated to the dreary weather. I hope that you are feeling happy and well. I am so glad that your arm has almost fully healed since the coffee incident. 

I am glad to hear that you kept yourself busy prior to your dental appointment. Tell me what is making you happy or thankful this evening? I do hope that there is some glimmer of light.

sending huge hugs,

Meggle

[MDT]

@Owlunar

My friend that is so much to take onboard hey

So much in your soul to carry. So much.

My best to you as always. Here to support in anyway I can ofc !

Hope you feel better by sharing all of this

[Owlunar]

I have had a few rough weeks - @MDT - life is starting to sort itself out now - the dental work I need done will take time as I have to wait for a referral to another dentist - and have a wisdom tooth out soon - this last will be difficult.

It has helped to share some of this - and get feedback - I guess the only way to go through life is one day at a time - and not think too much about the future.

My daughter is the next thing - I will text her today - I am rarely at my best first thing in the morning - and I have a busy day ahead - I guess that will happen at some time - 

One thing at a time

Thanks Hams and all the best for you

Owlunar

[Owlunar]

Hi @Oaktree 

I don't know where you live - I do know that cold, bleak weather can make us feel blue - it's called SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder - I get this myself at times during winter and certainly understand.

I will write about my son later - right now I am expecting someone to come and help me shower - it's easier to do this with my injured shoulder - and it helps - she should be here soon.

You didn't make light of my dental phobia - I only mentioned it yesterday - really - after I had a serve if it when I was at the different dentist - I had a bad time in the dental hospital many years ago - it left scars - I only really trust my dentist and dentistry has come a long way in the last - 40 odd years - which seems a long time ago now. Those memories last though.

So yeah - the whole thing is freaky.

And my daughter - who is in her middle years with her own chronic pain and other health issues - she is very off-hand about anything I might feel and it has a lot to do with her different attitudes about life - for me - I can take the hard parts without trying to minimize what I am feeling - she tends to be really passive about what is happening to her and trust other people - professional people - know what they are doing.

I know better - that is not always the case - I have informed myself a great deal through formal study - then prompted by interest and the internet - to learn more. 

So - as I accept my daughter as who she is - she does need to grow up a bit - and I will leave that up to her - not to drive her away at all - just maintain my boundaries - it's time I did with her though I have been pretty good about it with other people.

It would be great if you could come and set out some new herbs etc in my garden - I need some new pots and potting mix - I have had a lot of appointments lately - I need to get my gardener in - maybe he will go to Bunnings for me and get some new stuff. I will make a time for him to come back and talk to him about it. 

 I have a large pencil pin in my front garden - huge actually - and I have a set of Christmas lights to put up at Christmas - the birds keep getting into it and spoiling the shape - that needs trimming - otherwise the garden looks pretty good - even though I was in hospital which is why the gardener hasn't been.

Must go

Mumma Bear

Owlunar