My Hospital Stay

[Zoe7]

@utopia I haven't been keeping up with everyone (and have not read many posts while away) but I think I read somewhere that you were no doing well at all (I hope I remember that correctly).

Whatever 'place' you are in and whatever you are dealing with atm know that I am always thinking of you and always wanting all the very best for you. You are a shining light in my life - even through all the darkness - and I am so very privileged to have gotten to know you.

Every word of encouragement and support that you have given me over so many months have made so much difference in my life. I could never repay the friendship and love that you have shown me, all I can give to you in return is my heartfelt gratitude, love and wishes for a happy and fulfilling life in the future for you. You have been more than a friend to me, you have been a saviour.

When the light that shines on your path is one that you cannot see - you must trust that it is there - waiting for you to find it - and guide you through the darkness to a brighter future.

All my love always...

Zoe 

[utopia]

Take 2
Day 2.
The rather normal waking up with my psychiatrist sitting on the chair at the end of my bed. Now I know I'm back in hospital.
I explained how I'd tried to push through and went to a GROW meeting and an AA meeting and I hadn't had any alcohol. But I explained that the Stress I feel from Workcover and Centrelink were overpowering and that the SI was increasing to daily and multiple times a day. And the plans or fantasies of how to carry IT out - were getting more detailed, more weird and more scary. He listened. Wrote stuff on paper. Said it's good your here, but still there is no medication that he would give me. So I cried. Which seems to be my normal now.
Before lunch I started freaking out and seeing danger everywhere in my room. Ways I could suicide. Multiple ways. So my nurse said she would come and chat with me in ten minutes. So I waited for her in the hallway - because my room didn't feel safe anymore. But I started bawling so another nurse came and said show me the problem. I explained what I thought was a big risk. She said it was impossible. I said even my woolworths / coles bag looked like it could pose a risk.
So she threw my dirty clothes out of the bag. Picked up my runners and the bag and then said really nastily - that she can't remove everything that I think is a threat. That's impossible and I have to calm myself down and stop upsetting myself.
I felt like a naughty child putting on an act. But honestly I've never felt such fear. Those objects were probably not possible to hurt myself with - but at that time - I seriously thought they were. Everywhere I looked - could pose a risk. I was certain of this. This nurse was a b**ch. She said she would get me two calmer tablets. Then my allocated nurse showed up. The grumpy one left. The new one gave me my prns and asked what had happened. I told her how everything looked dangerous & that the SI & plans were just all consuming.She sat down with me and she explained what my brain was doing and why my thoughts were so intense and only focusing
on my fears. It made sense. She then asked me to do some breathing exercise. I explained that I couldn't manage to do it any more. So she sat opposite me and started doing the breathing herself. So I could join in. She talked me through and had me relaxing and made suggestions on when to know that I may be getting upset or triggered and where best it might be to practice the breathing.
So I went to the non smokers courtyard. Greenery. Vegetable beds. Sunshine. It helped. Then the meds kicked in and helped. This young nurse and the one from yesterday are both recent graduates and seem to have or make the time to sit and talk with me - with patients.
The rest of the afternoon, I was fine.
Then tonight after dinner some patients started singing and playing the guitar. One patient writes their own songs. Both with beautiful voices. So for 3 hours - we sat in the cold smokers courtyard being entertained. The music was very soothing. Other patients and myself felt so calm. It was better than any therapy group.
So chalk and cheese day. Devastating scary lows. And content calm evening.
I'm beyond exhausted and ready for bed.
@Zoe7. I swear I'm not making it up - this hospital has an ant infestation. My last stay and this morning they were confined to the bathroom sink. I've come to bed to find them all over it. They are very very tiny ants. But I've squashed more than 20.
Tomorrow I'm requesting a new room. I can't have the chemical bug spray used.
Good luck trying to think of a tshirt slogan for this.
Night all

[Zoe7]

Oh @utopia I had no idea you were back in hospital  (love hearts don't seem enough to send you) I am so sorry you were feeling this bad and that all that happened with that stupid, uncaring nurse today. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and comfort you my beautiful friend 

I hope you can have a room change and stay 'ant free'. I am not sure if I can come up with a t-shirt slogan for this one either but it could be interesting trying 

Stay safe my friend - I have told you before and I will tell you again - I need you around - you are my rock - even when you are not doing well yourself. I love you my beautiful little cocky friend....

Zoe 

[Former-Member]

Hugs @utopia sounds like the older nurses have lost their compassion for their role or maybe have burnt
Out. I'm glad tob hear that the day ended so beautifully. Fingers crossed tomorrow you have another nice nurse.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Apology from the ants for @utopia .....

[outlander]

Aww hugs @utopia thinking of you
Hope todays a better day for you
And thosr thoughts are very scary and seem very ŕeal to the person having them
The first nurse was abit rude but im glad you got another one and had a better night listening to music 💕💕💕

[Former-Member]

Hi @utopia - Sorry about your experience with the nurse. Your fears are very real to you and she should have been more understanding. Great that you've found a few good nurses now - I'm sure that makes a big difference and makes your stay easier... and you got some free entertainment, that's a bonus I'm sure they can do something about the ants... speak to the ward clerk or unit manager but if there's a vacant room available they should be able to transfer you. Have a peaceful day and take it easy. Best wishes.  

[Former-Member]

[Shaz51]

sending you hugs @utopia 

[Former-Member]

Good luck I hope you get a new room! Keep writing of your experience. We're with you in spirit. Sorry about the mean nurse - there's always one! xxx @utopia