Hi @utopia
I am glad you have had this AHA click - wow - what an epiphany!!
That is so good - so fantastic - and I am glad you have battled through the darkness and into the light - this is the way up - I was so glad to read this
I have been reading some of your posts - certainly your updates/journal - I felt that was important - it was hell for you
Still thinking of you - I felt like a dead weight myself with nothing at all I could write - but I am feeling better tonight -
Lots of hugs Utopia - you are fighting a war about which I have no idea about the structure - the insides - whatever
Dec
Wow, @utopia,
you are moving ahead so quickly! That's great that you had an a-ha moment. That is so wnderful that you were able to return to your room and write about it, too. And to email your psychologist about it? That is a great idea.
I think I can relate to that feeling of not wanting to feel anything. Becuase we assume that if we allow ourselves to feel something... then it will be very, very bad and we won't be able to endure it. But this is not true. When we allow ourselves to experience our emotions fully- even anger, sadness, despair... those feeling pass. We become aware that all feelings pass.
Yes, It painful to get in touch with our sadness... but once it is out in the open, we see it for what it is. Then it kind of isn't quite so bad as we thought it would be. It passes.
Before I got very, severely depressed, years ago, I became completely emotionally shut down. I was like a zombie. Other people noticed it, but I shrugged it off, saying I was just "tired". You see, I did not even know I was completely emotionally shut down! I thought I was normal.
I knew I wasn't happy, but I wasn't especially sad, either. I was just existing. Everything I did, I did because I thought it was my duty. Work was a duty to be fulfilled. It wasn't enjoyable. My relationship with my partner was non-existent- but I went through all the motions like a 'good girl', anyway. It was my duty. I chose this person as a partner, now I had to endure them. That's what you do, isn't it?
No, it isn't.
It took an episode of major depression (bordering on psychosis) for me to realise that my life was not working and that I was the one responsible.
I had to feel the grief and anger involved with knowing my relationship had ended. I had to deal with the uncertainty and disappointment that I had chosen a career that I actively disliked. I had to own these things. Once I did that, I could move forward. And moving forward was about a million times more rewarding than staying stuck and frozen in limbo.