I do worry about you because I care about you @Former-Member - and you do deserve to be cared for, supported and loved 
I am going to be really blunt with you - whether you want to hear it or not - YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!
You have had a lot to deal with and none of that is your fault. It can become nearly impossible to change anything when you are so down and still trying to deal with everything you have to deal with. I do not know the specifics but I do know enough to understand that most of this is actually out of your control.
Both of us are really good at blaming ourselves, thinking everything is our fault, we are not worth caring for, we are controlled by our fears and we can't see why anyone would care about us. These are beliefs that have become entrenched in our minds for a long time - this has not happened over night, it has been years and years of mistreatment, abusive behaviours and being made feel that we mean nothing - we are nothing! These are not beliefs we even begin to change while we are still so deep into our own self-hatred, self-doubt and lack of feeling any self-worth.
I know you know all this but it is so very hard to see it all objectively when you are right in the middle of it - I know this so, so well. I can identify all this in you (and know it is in me too) but cannot acknowledge it within myself.
I don't feel worthy of anyone's time, I feel like I am simply a burden to others, I feel like everything that has happened in my life is my fault, I feel like no-one would have ever believed me and that would have made it all so much worse, I feel lost in my own pain and my own thoughts, I wonder why I am still alive, and wish that I wasn't so all this pain could end. How have I got this far - I don't know but I do know that I would not have over the last few months without the support of people like you - those that give their time, show understanding, compassion and empathy when I could not show any to myself. I am still there @Former-Member, I still can't accept that I should be on this earth but every single day someone is here to remind me I am - and as little as that often means in the moment - it is those moments that get me through.
So I am here, sitting with you, holding your hand, walking with you when we can - to remind you that you matter, you are cared for and you do deserve a better life.
Sending you all my love, huge hugs and what little strength I have to help you walk this path...
Zoe
