Recovery Milestone

[RedRose98]

Hello, I'm new here and I just wanted to share my own blip into the abyss. Hoping someone reaches out again and I'm not alone in my humanity. 

Today my partner and I made it to 2 months clean from meth use. It's been our umpteenth time and instead of being positive and celebrating, I was traumatised and downhearted. 

We fought and I returned to self-harm. I still don't understand why I do it, except that I get overwhelmed and triggered. And once it's over, I feel bitter grief at the way I treat myself. 

I need to be supportive of my partner, but instead I'm so overcome with my resentments and shortcomings. How do I maintain recovery from addiction AND mental illness, as well as self Harm? 

[holdinghope5]

Hi @RedRose98 and welcome to the forums

Well done on reaching this 2-month milestone. I hear that it didn't feel like such a positive event. When you say you were feeling traumatised, was that from knowing that you'd reached this point before, or was there something else on your mind?

Changing any behaviour can be difficult, but even more so when it's a behaviour that we use as a coping mechanism. Sometimes if we try to tackle too much change at once it can become too much and we're more likely to want to just give the whole thing up. So maybe while you're still working on remaining clean it might not be the time to remove any other coping mechanisms healthy or not.

If it is something that you really do want to work on now, a helpful place to start might be on finding a replacement behaviour that's not harmful but still offers a release, such as some of those suggested here.

Another thing that may help is to get some additional support. It's great that you're reaching out here, have you sought support from any other avenues?

[Alisse]

Hi @RedRose98 

Welcome to the forums.  I'm proud of you for reaching out, that takes courage.  I hope you find connection here with others who understand and can offer support.

It's completely valid to feel like you are sharing into the abyss and alone in your humanity, especially in a world that can feel so disconnected, (even though we all have a device in our hands).  But please know, you are not alone.

I understand the daily struggle with addiction, and the comfort that self-harming behaviours can bring in the moment.  It's not an easy path, but with time, consistency and support, healing is absolutely possible.  Healthier coping strategies can be found and even offer you the emotional comfort you are needing, even if it does'nt feel that way right now.

My own journey has been long and, at times, felt hopeless.  But each relapse brought me a little closer to understanding myself and what I needed.  What helped me most was trauma therapy, learning emotional regulation and gently starting to face the pain I had buried for so long.  For me, childhood trauma was a core part of my addictions, but because of my level of dissociation, I was unable to see or even begin to look at anything to do with my past.  

Being in a relationship with a partner who was in recovery, was also complex.  There was the comfort of being with someone who didn't judge my addiction, (cause they had been there), who offered support and mutual understanding, but also promoted patterns of codependency and enabling.  My partner became so triggered by my addiction and eventually made the decision to end our relationship, which had become very dysfunctional, mostly due to my behaviours. It hurt, but now, from a sober place, I understand and respect that choice.

Learning how my body responds to stress and triggers, and skills to soothe and regulate myself, has been life changing.  It's given me tools to stay grounded and support my sobriety. I've also read and learned a lot about what was behind my addictions and this helped reduce my shame and blame that kept me feeling hopeless and returning to the comfort of my old habits.  It really helped me gain understanding of my behaviour, triggers and how to cope with me feelings without using.

I'm 57 years old sober 5 years. 

I hope you find what speaks to you, strengthens you and helps guide your healing.  You deserve that, and no matter how many times you lapse or relapse, don't give up, recovery is possible. 

A day at a time or moment by moment, you can do this. 

Kindly alisse