Hi @oceangirl
{Longish post ~900 words}
I can understand both the difficulty in relaxing and the concern about morning appointments. The relaxation part is just something, I think, that we should not put too much effort into. Too much effort can increase the tension, so relaxing is really just something of which to be quietly aware. The morning appointments are where I sometimes surprise myself in actually getting up, fresh and in time to get ready, without a lot of fuss. As long as I don't trick myself by thinking I've got time to get something done that could have been left till later.
Fatigue is an issue that we have discussed previously. Though I am pleased that you say you are feeling somewhat more relaxed about the appointment. I believe that the preparation you are doing, with regard to your history, can relieve the tension also. That helps to reduce the chance of the fatigue and tiredness feelings building up.
The feelings of loyalty are, I believe, valid and, I may say, commendable. Sometimes, a change can be the jolt that we need to get past some blockages and plateaus that may occur from time to time. We can become, dare I say, complacent in our 'familiar comfort zone'. A nudge from a different direction accompanied by a new perspective can sometimes be rewarding, despite a little discomfort. It sounds as though you are conscious of that anyway.
You refer to "just anxiety and depression". I do believe that it is easy to think that anxiety and depression are somehow lower on the scale of concern or should somehow be minimised. I know from my own experience, that those two characters, anxiety and depression, are not to be considered trivial or minor. I am aware, while I am talking with you, that I am endeavouring to deal with issues in that area right now. So, this discussion is helping me too. Paraphrasing your comment, I think that you are quite correct in saying that
anxiety and depression have a very negative impact on our lives and quality of life.
Until we are able to address the root causes of the anxiety and depression, that negative impact on our quality of life is likely to continue. The desire to not do it alone and my perceived need for assistance is the reason for me having sought the assistance of a counsellor. So I can, very much, identify with the sentiments that you have expressed.
All of what I have discussed above is tangled up with those feelings of being judged, of being considered somehow less than we "should be", of being weak, etc. In saying these things, I am being very blunt. Those "three fingers are pointing back at me", in as much as I am aware of having those feelings also. They are a big barrier to us seeking the assistance that we may need or from which we may benefit. I had to get over those hurdles and recognise that it was ok for me to seek assistance from outside. I have been fortunate in having gained access to a counsellor with whom I have a good working relationship.
Opening ourselves, our lives and thoughts and feelings can be scary. But no-one else can live our lives for us. So we need to make the decision as to whether we are prepared to do what needs to be done to enable us to live the best life that we can. Sometimes, that means being prepared to unlock a few of the hidden recesses of our minds and allow others to know something of who we really are. If we are not prepared to do that, then we might not live the best life that may be available or possible for us to live.
We can protect our privacy, but from what? We might need to ask ourselves whether we are so prepared to protect our privacy that we can live a less than full and meaningful life. In order to protect our "privacy", whatever that means, we may also keep within us the very attributes, qualities and limitations that prevent us from living the best life that may be available to us. I think that sometimes we need to review exactly what our "privacy" is.
Sometimes, I think that our concern for privacy can become a barrier to our receiving the best possible support, without any real benefit accruing from our "protected privacy". I present these ideas for your consideration. Each of us has to make our own decisions about what is important to us, or that we think is important to us, even when it may or may not have any value to us.
The last paragraph may be a little challenging, but those are issues that I have also had to face and make decisions about. I think that it is useful to write down our concerns, because on paper we can untangle them more easily. In our mind we can tend to trip over loose ends and get tangled in the cobweb in our mind.
I hope that these ideas may help you, first in your progress toward your appointment and then in getting the most that you possibly can from the appointment and any subsequent discussions.
With My Very Best Wishes
@HenryX
