I'm in a nest

[Spookytookims]

you know @CheerBear  that's probably the problem right there.   The people who understand the shaky boats also don't like the system, so they don't get into it.  or the system doesn't like others who think outside it so they don't want those people in there, perhaps working against that "acceptable" guideline.

Hence we wind up with mainly people who just think they know what they are doing and they actually don't have a clue.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear I am super pleased you have two people you trust.

Yeah...probably don't try to defend that mindset regarding suicide, to the catt too much. I can see how that might not go so well...even though I can give you the page number of the DBT treatment manual where Linehan discusses this concept. That is where I got it from. It is such a refreshing approach in a world where most people flip out if someone mentions that they are having thoughts of suicide.

I am feeling quite ok tonight. After this post I will head over to the highlight of the day thread to share my highlight - so I won't spoil it by sharing here. I can tell you though that I saw my psychologist today and I spent a good part of the session talking about how broken the system is. I hope you don't mind, but I vented about how much harm the catt had done in your situation and explained to X that this was why I didn't want a phams worker. We talked about our own puzzle regarding the fact that X is legally bound to do something if I disclose an immenent risk, but for her to do something would be to create a whole fresh layer of trauma. We talked again about the fact that our solution to this puzzle is that if at some point I choose to suicide, I won't be telling X beforehand. Our shared understanding is that if she is concerned, she will ask me if I intend to suicide and I will say "no" regardless of what my intent actually is. As she pointed out, on this matter I truly am fully empowered. So...even though you've had a totally crappy weekend, it did prompt a useful conversation between my psychologist and me.

It is pretty funny that you asked if I had porridge for dinner. I actually had it for breakfast AND lunch...so I told myself I simply couldn't have it for dinner too. I haven't ended up having anything. I think that has something to do with my highlight of the day...

[CheerBear]

I think so too @Spookytookims. Watch me recover from my soul destruction thanks to storms, then recover from the soul destruction thanks to systems making it harder, then go out and try and work in it all only to destroy my soul for good lol. Ah well, at the moment it is what it is.

[Spookytookims]

@Phoenix_Risingwrote:

"even though I can give you the page number of the DBT treatment manual where Linehan discusses this concept"

yep.. that's our Phoenix.. right there! 😄

[Spookytookims]

you'll destroy your soul trying to change it @CheerBear 

[CheerBear]

Running off to find this manual @Phoenix_Rising! I'm super glad you were able to have a useful conversation with X. That actually does make me feel better about sharing this pickle, even though I didn't intend for it to be any more than a vent/outlet/reach for support thing. My psych and I have very open conversations about this stuff and he has told me I 'push the envelope' with it. He's also said he'd shoulder the responsibility (ie liability) to quieten another concerned helping person before, and is quite possibly the only reason catt haven't dived in yet I think. My phams worker probably had to make that call, but I wish she'd tried my psych first. It might have all been avoided then. I called her today to work it out with her and will work with her again maybe, but I will never be open with about my mental health with her again. Being that's her thing, I don't know whether it can work or not, or will be helpful or not but the damage has been done now. Off to read your highlight and that is funny about the porridge!

[CheerBear]

Here in the nest I feel calm inside. Nothing is happening around me, no-one is making me get up, no-one is asking anything from me. I don't have to think of anything or anyone if I don't want to. I don't have to find a way to stretch myself beyond what I can. There's nothing I have to do here, nothing and no-one to worry about and nothing to fear. I can sit still and quiet. I can allow myself to feel the full extent of my sadness and anger and pain until it passes. And no-one will judge that or try to fix it. No-one will be afraid of me and I won't feel afraid of anyone. I can think and feel. In this nest I can be me and that will be ok.

[Mazarita]

@CheerBear 

[Phoenix_Rising]

{Pokes @CheerBear to remind her that Phoenix_Rising is in the nest sitting silently beside her - just in case she forgot since Phoenix_Rising is so good at being still and quiet for super long periods of time}.

[CheerBear]

I found these and will be making enough of them when I feel crafty again, to share with anyone else who wants to sit in the nest and hold a rainbow when it's stormy (or not stormy and just because rainbows are kind of great). It feels very stormy even in the virtual ocean at the moment so I'm holding on to one and just watching it until this storm passes. It's very pretty.