Morning
@Phoenix_Rising and hi in the nest ☺
Thank you for stopping by last night Phoenix_Rising. I think your inside must have told you that my head kind of exploded in a way yesterday afternoon. It was over a something was a bit of a not-a-thing thing (though I think it was something that is part of an actual thing, thing). I'm going from zero to a million in a flash at the moment, and doing some bottling-up which is probably making that worse. After I felt really silly for exploding, I spoke with a helpful someone who I feel listened to, heard and understood me which led to some un-bottling and that made things a little bit better.
I'm going to write a little about the forum sharable parts of last week now to get it out a bit more.
I worked through a big medication muddle when my PRN had the effect not only of (added) insomnia, but of yucky physical stuff thanks to being not suitable with sometimes tricky eating, as well as probably causing a mega increase in dark and twisty head. I feel very frustrated about it as I was so open about sleep, food and dark and twisty head, as well as my concerns that meds would have that effect as they almost always do for me. My GP helped me sort it out and we added it to the giant list of meds that my sensitive snowflakey brain doesn't like. We also worked out that my med for hormone stuff may be playing in to the tricky as it coincides with some of it, so that was stopped too. I'll take a couple of days a month of hormone hard if there's a chance the medication is contributing to unrelenting brain mash hard. GP wants me to consider the mood stabiliser which was instant walls-up for me at the time, but now they're coming down again a bit, I'll think about it.
The words "NDIS" were said by my mental health worker last week, which made me feel scared. We have time and I knew it was coming, but I feel like it's going to be pretty ugly considering I can't read a simple letter about myself without feeling awful, let alone find a whole range of them, go through them and have them picked apart, in order to continue to receive that support. That's another day worry for now though.
We still have a chunk taken out of the kitchen and no sign of that being different anytime soon, and as much as it's an annoying not-a-thing, it does play into feeling miserable about being here and about all the times I tried to hard to get us out of here but failed at that. My feelings about being here in this wobbly house in this murky pond were amplified when my GP said how much heavier the already heavy odds against the little fish had been made by being here (she had some choice words about where here is and how anyone could have thought it was a good idea to move us here). It was simultaneously validating and crushing, as it's not like I didn't all but shout those concerns at the time too. Grrr to being able to voice things but not having that be enough.
When I think about last week I can see that I did do it all, despite it being tricky. I do do it all and that's where I get stuck sometimes. I tried to find a break from life for a bit but while (on the outside) I am doing it, a break is hard to get. It irks me that support to prevent breakdown which would avoid the need to intervene after breakdown, is not so easy to find (speaking of my people here in my not-forum life and the system/s in general). I'll add that one to my list of want to change the world things though.
Thank you for reading that novel if you (and/or anyone) did. While I have been zero to a million and doing it even though it's hard, I have had trouble being here, here. I'm always here even when I am not though, and we are still doing this together-but-not. Thank you for understanding me, hearing me, and sitting with me also. I know you know I am doing the same with you and I hope you can feel me here/there. I really hope you know that as your not-friend I haven't disappeared even if I am a little quieter while I'm working through stuff.
Today I am planning on burning off some grrr and some anxiety by playing in the garden with the mower, whipper snipper and a suitable soundtrack (constructive destruction and music - two of my big yays). I need to go to Bunnings to do that and that's right up there with Spotlight as my favourite trips out. Flowers
😁. I think that will be my good for the day.
I hope there's good for you and anyone who might read this ☺
