I'm in a nest

[Former-Member]

@CheerBearjust wanted to say well done hun, I loved reading your posts. Yea for changing the world one psych at a time 

[CheerBear]

More hugs for you @Catcakes 💕

Thanks @Former-Member ☺ I hope Miss 12 had a great first day at highschool and your mini Mr had a good first day back. Some of these for you too 💕

[Former-Member]

Thanks @CheerBear, I hope your LF went well in their first few days too. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Good evening @CheerBear,

This is a not-post to remind you that I'm here even when I'm not, my not-friend. 

I hope your weekend has had lots of good in it. I'm wondering if Mr House-owner has fixed the plumbing issue yet. 

It has been a super tricky couple of days in my world. Three email buses and one if-you-don't-like-it-leave conversation have well and truly mushed this little turtle's brain. 

On the bright side, while I was lying under my weighted blanket (where I have been most of the weekend), I flicked through the DT module of the DBT manual in preparation for Tuesday. Happily, my brain is still so completely mushed, I don't have the space in it to be even remotely concerned about Tuesday until Tuesday comes. Indeed, I think it is highly probable that my brain will still be so mushed on Tuesday, that even while the trickiness is happening I won't actually feel stressed about it because mushed brain equals severe dissociation. Yay for super clever brains that shut down when overloaded. 

While lying under my blanket, I also had another go at crocheting. Um...yeah...I think I might be a little way off from making a baby dragon! I have no idea which chain I'm meant to pick up as the second one when I do the single crochet. I can pick up A second chain and thus make the stitch, but I don't have any sense of WHICH chain I'm supposed to pick up. All help warmly received. 

I super hope you and the LF had a fun weekend @CheerBear. I'm so very very glad you are my not-friend. I'll see you when I see you...which I guess will probably be when you open your handbag. 

[Former-Member]

I’m not tagging anyone because you all have your own stuff going on and I don’t want to bring anyone down with my rubbish. (Plus I’m not expecting/seeking/wanting a response.) I trust that anyone who is meant to read this will stumble across it at some point. I’m sorry to post this in the nest, CheerBear.

I have tried to ‘speak up’ three times recently, with the (probably foolish?) hope of perhaps changing the world in some small way—once here and twice in real life—and the overwhelming message I have received is that I do not matter. As far as Forum Land goes, it is clear that I shouldn’t be here. I am not fit to be part of this community. I don’t fit in. Once again, like every other place in my life, I am not good enough or smart enough*. I am too different. Yet again, I can’t even get MI right. I don’t fit into the boxes. (I never fit into the boxes.) I just don’t have the energy to pretend—to pretend I’m okay, to pretend judgements, double standards, and the perpetuation of stigma are okay, to pretend my experience is something other than what it actually is. (I have to do so much pretending in my everyday life and it's exhausting. I don’t think anyone should have to pretend in a place of MH support.)

I think that maybe connection isn’t for everyone. I think it’s not for me, that it’s not something I can have or that I deserve, regardless of whether I need it or not.

What I need, want, think, know, experience is not valid. It is never valid. I have zero value, zero worth. I am completely worthless. (But this is not news.)

I am nothing and I shouldn’t be here.

Please keep looking after each other. (Especially CheerBear and Phoenix_Rising. And Zoe7 and Faith-and-Hope.) I am not leaving (yes, Phoenix_Rising, I’m talking to you and I repeat, I am NOT leaving). I will try to hover in the background and hide under like buttons when I can, but I am finding it so hard to be here (on the forums) and to be here (of this world). The sad is so big and heavy and dark, and the self-hate is so loud, and combined with everything else, especially the housing buses and the you-don’t-matter buses squishing me, I am struggling to breathe. Anyway, please look after each other.

P.S. I’m sorry for the delayed response to your message from over there ➡️, CheerBear … I miss you too. Your Mouse/Noni moment made me smile through the tears. Thank you for being you.

*Though I’ve seen something today that proves that the guidelines are as unclear and/or as illogical to the moderators as they are to me on a particular topic, so perhaps I’m not so stupid after all.

[KobeCat]

Hi @Former-Member

KobeCat here, the overnight moderator.   I am sorry things are so tough for you right now,  Please know you are valued, you, along with all the members that make up this community do deserve to be here.  I have witnessed you support many members during their times of struggle.  I truely hope things are not so bleak for you soon.   Please stay safe. 

[Maggie]

@Former-Member I am exactly the same in all you have written. I'm hovering over the like button also.

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member @Maggie .... 

It brings me joy to see you both here whenever your avatars pop up ....

Maybe I haven’t said it loudly enough ..... so I am saying it now.

💜💜💐💐💕💕

[CheerBear]

Hi nest,

@Phoenix_Rising thanks for calling by last night. You're an awesome not-friend. I am sorry your weekend was tricky and that you had brain mush 😔 The plumbing is "fixed" as in we have half of our tiny kitchen bench and cupboards missing until it gets fixed. Big sigh but whatever - in the grand scheme of things, it's not a thing. I am curious about tomorrow but guessing you would have/will share if you can and want to. My brain went into blanket burrito mode a little this weekend - yay for clever brains. I have a big reply to your crochet question sitting drafted and I made a photo tutorial for you which I hope I can post a bit later (once I edit it and make it all fancy). My PRN that's not a PRN at the moment has the side effect of insomnia which is so not helpful, but at least I seem to have more hours to play with yarn in the day this way 😉

@Former-Member oodles of these for you 💚💚💚 Please don't be sorry about posting in here bookish. Anyone can post anywhere and if crawling into a nest is where it feels most right, then please do that. I love that you can and have used this as maybe a bit of a landing spot. Your nest company, honesty, sharing, and heartfeltedness (I think I am making up words now) has given so many heart feels.

I'm so sorry things are tricky for you. I really am. I felt so sad to hear that you feel like connection is not for you. Connection feels like vulnerability for me which is so scary, but disconnection feels worse. Maybe it's different for you and I respect that, but you do deserve it. You do matter and you have so much worth. I get those are 'words' and that it's how it feels to you that is important, but I really hope you can, even in the tiniest way, believe it.

I often wonder how you're getting on and want to hear about it if you want to share. That won't change, regardless of how ninja mode you go in or for how long.

Doing changing the world stuff is slow and hard. As I think @Phoenix_Rising has mentioned before, I too believe that it's hard to see sometimes how much of a difference painful efforts at it have made. It can make it feel totally pointless to me, but somewhere deep inside I know it isn't. For what it it worth, you have added good to my little world, and that's changed it for the better.

I really hope things even feel a tiny better soon. You mean lots bookish.

And you also @Maggie. Sending you lots of these 💗 too and thinking of you often.

@Faith-and-Hope these because you're you 💕

[Former-Member]

Thank you, @CheerBear—for hearing me and for being here and for being you. Sending you lots of these 💚 and hoping there is less tricky and more calm in your world soon.