Oscillation between two mind sets

[creative_writer]

@tyme during my last psych appointment I told her about things I hadn’t spoken about before. But why do I still feel like she’s not 100% safe? Is it going to take time? I’m trying to understand this disconnect but my brain hurts trying to understand.

My supervisor this placement has been great, but I’m not sure if I feel comfortable debriefing about things yet. I haven’t felt the need to and I only started this week to be fair, so maybe it’s too much to expect

[Former-Member]

Hey there @creative_writer 🌺💜

Im so sorry I missed this message... 

It sounds like things have been hard lately.. I read back through a few posts where you were upset and crying alone, and also wondering if being a therapist with vulnerabilities and history of trauma is possible.

Just wanted to gently say, crying is a very normal response to emotional hardship, and sometimes it can be a very real way to express what we need to express when there are no words, or anyone there to speak with xx

I still cry, when things become emotionally hard in any way, and I have no shame attached to those tears (which took me ages to learn, but I got there xx) and I let them flow, then gently nurture my feelings with some really nice self talk, and then I try again to do adulting as best I can 🙂 

In terms of being a therapist or professional in the helping professions, it's absolutely fine to go into these work spaces as a person with vulnerabilities and lived experience! There's a concept discussed in counselling practice called self-as-therapist, where the "conscious, active and purposeful use of self by the therapist in the therapeutic process is an essen...", as well as having traits of unconditional positive regard and empathy - which can be both applied to the client and self (practitioner) within the therapeutic relationship 🙂 

I tend to acknowledge my vulnerabilities as being assets to how I can recognise and show empathy to a person regarding their troubles, and I often mention that I have lived experience, because this helps build trust. 

I hope this in some way can give a little bit of insight into a different approach, however at the end of the day, no matter what lived experience you have, your health is a priority and is very valuable to you and to the people you go on to help, so finding ways to feel ok in your own skin is a very worthwhile pursuit, and IMHO a lifelong one that does get easier as time goes by 🙂 xx 

Go gently dear CW xx 

[creative_writer]

@Former-Member I’m only trying to learn to be okay with crying. I’ve grown up feeling uncomfortable with crying, I’ve been invalidated time and time again.

It is true our own experiences can make us better practitioners, but it does require a lot of work. My mind tends to focus on the times where I burst as opposed to when I was able to adequately hold the space for another person. I know it’s going to take time, I feel like I ought to have more tools within me, but I do realise it takes time. Sometimes my brain gets ahead of itself.

I hope you are doing okay physically and mentally today 💖

[Former-Member]

Hey there @creative_writer 🌺💜

I’m sorry 💜 

rejection and invalidation are so hard 😔

I hope there comes a time when you feel the ok with tears and the benefit they can have in releasing hurt  🌺

yes it’s a bit of work indeed to feel at ease and confident enough to use our experiences to help others - just want to kindly mention that from the way I understand it, you’re already doing that here on the forums in a lot of ways 🙂🌺

Soeaking from my own point of view, sometimes the way I envision what I do is not exactly the way someone else sees it, and even if I feel I’m not able to use my experiences very well, the underlying thread of empathy and connection comes across regardless, because I’m willing to be in that space and share it, based on that unspoken common experience 🙂🌺 That connection and holding space with deep understanding and empathy is still using my experience without speaking of my experience..I hope that makes sense? 🙂

this is what I feel is the basis of using experience as a means of connecting - even without having the ability or opportunity to use the experience stories 🙂
I can really understand not having the ability to hold space, too, which happens. I had a psychologist years and years ago who was asking me about events in my life and as I was explaining in a matter of fact way, she just started crying. Sobbing. She said she’d never in her prior 20 years had this happen, and she said hearing my experiences just hurt her badly in terms of the incredible injustice, and as a result she just couldn’t hold that space. She said she felt bad for what happened, however I gently held her hand and told her it was ok - I knew that she had heard me and that meant a lot to me. 
she said she’d work on not letting that ever happen again, and I said please reconsider because I feel heard and you have connected in a way that nobody has ever before in a therapeutic space - I feel understood for the first time. This professional ‘mistake’ of hers lead to a better therapeutic connection because I then existed and I had being validated by someone else for the pain of what I was going through, within that space of pain that otherwise was so invalidated. 

anyway, I hope there is something helpful there 🙂

I’m not at my best lately so if my explanations aren’t on point just let me know🌺

💜🤗

[creative_writer]

@Former-Member I’ve moved my current psych to tears before, it happens. We are humans at the end of the day. I noticed a shift in body language with a therapist I once saw when I told him about trauma. He had to breathe in and out to process it. I don’t think any therapist has came that far in feeling what I was feeling, it was something about his facial expression and body language that said more than his words did. Even my current psych is not at that level.

Evenings are not my best time, but I’m trying to reduce the sensory overload from light during the day. I’ve been carrying amber filtered glasses to placement, so I can switch with my clear glasses if needed. Though my clear glasses block some blue light to some extent too. I want to get to a stage where I feel trauma no longer defines me, but I’m just not there yet. I do wish sometimes I didn’t have to suck the tears in, that I could be authentic, but I don’t feel safe being authentic. I hope today has been kind to you 💖

[Jynx]

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@creative_writer wrote:
 I want to get to a stage where I feel trauma no longer defines me, but I’m just not there yet. 

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It will happen hun, I really, truly believe in you. Cos honestly you remind me of a younger me! And I can see how much work you're putting in, too. You have all the strength, courage, and self-awareness you need, as well as a sharp mind and amazing integrity. You'll get there, have faith 😊💜

[Former-Member]

Hey there @creative_writer  🙂 💜

I think thats a really key thing youve mentioned, about therapists feeling and getting an understanding of what trauma is like for their clients... I was wondering if that made you feel understood in your experience? Please feel free to leave responding if you dont want to - I understand if that is so xx 

Reducing sensory input via light by using glasses that filter sounds like a really good idea while out and about and on placement, and with the aim of reducing the effect in the evenings from the day time exposure to full/blue spectrum light.

Yes, that does make sense about wanting trauma to not be what defines you, for sure. I still wonder what that would be like, and I havent yet found the answer, but that doesn't mean its not out there somewhere 🙂 

Im just sorry you feel you cant be authentic - that sounds really hard and sucking in tears sounds so very silencing... Please know you are totally respected and appreciated for who you are here on the forums, and I think youre one of the bravest people I know, as you navigate life and its hardships sweetheart xx 🙂 💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I know I’m trying. But you know sometimes that voice kicks in that tells me I’m lazy and not trying hard enough. Probably words from a pdoc I once saw. It wasn’t working out for me so I stopped seeing her, sometimes you do need to leave toxic people (even if it is a pdoc). Medical gaslighting is real.

@Former-Member I feel understood by the therapist. I had a feeling he had life experience. Many of us do. For some of us it’s our own, for others it’s seeing others struggle or a combination of both (like me). I’ve seen others struggle in my family and I’ve struggled myself with mental health.

To me not being defined by trauma means making new meaning with life, creating new purpose. Instead of being held down by what has passed, it’s about living in the present and looking forward to achieving goals in the future.

Being authentic is something I’ve always struggled with. I find it very hard to feel safe or resonate with people. My mind is probably more mature than the average person my age. I know they say maturity is a good thing, but it leaves one lonely. I have come to realise that the people I open up to more tend to be older. I’m probably one of the young ones on these forums

[Jynx]

@creative_writer mm it's hard when it's someone else's words, but said to you in your own voice. Sometimes I will try to talk to that voice, find out what it's trying to accomplish - like the 'lazy/not trying hard enough' rhetoric tends to come from the part of me that wants me to succeed, to have a purpose and achieve my goals... so it is usually coming from a good place, it's just the method used (criticism) that actually ends up doing more harm than good. One of my recent fav quotes: "If being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now."

Also, this:

I don't just not use the word lazy, I truly believe laziness doesn't exist. Every single behaviour we describe as lazy can pretty much be narrowed down to whether we have capacity - spoons theory basically. And we ND folks (and of course folks with MHI/chronic health conditions) have far fewer spoons than most. 

[Former-Member]

Yes  @creative_writer , it’s that life experience that can lead to understanding isn’t it 🌺💜

Couldn’t agree more regarding trauma and being not defined by it - very well said 🙂💜🌺

masking how you feel when not feeling safe is very understandable - especially around others. Do you feel a bit like maturity widens the gap between you and people sometimes? This is something I wondered when I was younger, too 🙂🌺