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@Phoenix_Rising - I know you have had a tough day today Little Turtle, I just wanted to let you know that I am watching over the ocean tonight.
@Former-Member I am SO impressed that you found some high heeled flippers. I think google has really outdone itself there! I just had to have a look at the website that those pictures came from. I see that they were made for an art exhibition and it says they haven't been produced commercially because people would break their neck wearing them. Please bear this in mind when you are walking along the beach - and when you are handing out pairs to other Forumites like @Faith-and-Hope!!! 
So...I saw my turtle whisperer this morning...and then spent the next three hours in bed riding out the big feelings that the session evoked. I feel so stuck. I am so super busting to get in and fix the muddle from the inside out - i.e. deal with the core issues that drive so much of the muddle. But because my turtle whisperer can't commit to working with me long term, we can't do that. And thus I feel that I am continuing to drift aimlessly. Furthermore, I'm not sure that I'm EVER going to be able to deal with the core of the muddle. I was telling my turtle whisperer today how the sorry-too-complex psychiatrist had told my GP that she would need to see me three times a week to truly deal with the muddle and given that is impractical cost-wise etc., that is why she wouldn't take me on. However you look at it, realistically the muddle is never going to be really unmuddled. Not because it can't be in theory, but because of practical restraints. I can see that anyone who truly gets the muddle (like the psychiatrist) can see that it isn't really fixable within those practical restraints, and thus they won't take me on. This by definition means that the only therapists who will take me on are those who don't get the muddle...which means they are likely to cause harm like (A) and others before her have done. This makes for a superly duperly tricky situation in which to maintain hope. 
Guess what @CheerBear and @Zoe7? I told my turtle whisperer that we are going to work through the DBT manual. She responded by telling me to skip everything else and go straight to the emotion regulation module. I was like "no, we need to start with the introduction" and she was like "nope, just jump to the emotion regulation stuff." It super made me giggle. I told her that I would definitely be starting with the introduction in Forum Land but fine...I would go over the emotion regulation stuff during the week just to keep her happy. 
In all seriousness, I think it will be good to go through the emotion regulation stuff with my turtle whisperer. Believe it or not, I do actually use a lot of the emotion regulation skills and thus I am curious to see which parts she thinks I'm missing. I think my biggest muddle in terms of emotion regulation is how I get flooded SO fast that I don't know how to regulate in a socially acceptable way before going into the whole rocking and making weird noises thing. That IS my way of regulating, and if I'm allowed the space to do it, I actually do settle quite quickly. The problem of course is that 99.9% of the population doesn't consider this an acceptable way to regulate and thus they start using loud voices etc to get me to stop it and this super escalates it. But really, rocking and making weird noises is a perfectly safe and effective way to regulate. Hmmmm...maybe my turtle whisperer will have an answer to this puzzle.
Anyway, I just needed to dump all of that out here in the ocean. Super big thank you for listening. 
@Former-Member are you the @Former-Member watching over the ocean tonight? I just did something that I should have known would be unhelpful, and it was. I wandered over to Topic Tuesday on the carer's forum. Lauz...the word "manipulative" makes my inside super giantly hurt. It super super super hurts. I really hate that word.
Good night Forum Land,
@NikNik I am superly duperly struggling but it is my own silly fault for sneaking over to Topic Tuesday. The word "manipulative" SUPER makes my tummy hurt. It super super super does. I really hate it.
Ok...well I will snuggle into my shell. Um...I think I need to sleep in @CheerBear's pocket while she sits in her blanket in her nest in my cave at the very bottom of the stormy ocean. @Faith-and-Hope would you like to have another sleep over in my cave? Can you maybe think of something @Faith-and-Hope-ish about the whole being manipulative thing? I don't even know what I mean by that because the thinking bit of my brain is getting flooded...I just know you are super good at saying super helpful stuff.
@NikNik super big gigantic thank you for thinking I am worth celebrating. That was the super highlight of my day.
Good night Forum Land.
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