Riding a wave

[NikNik]

Deep breaths @Phoenix_Rising that will help make the tummy ache go away.

There's a few of us swimming around tonight - so you are not alone!

Take care

[Faith-and-Hope]

Sure re sleepover @Phoenix_Rising ... the underwater cave is so serene and calming ..... would love to .... ❣️

The word manipulation is amoral @Phoenix_Rising ..... it is the value we assign to it that makes it beautiful or ugly ..... like fire ..... it's helpful in the fire-place, but not at all if it escapes and does its thing on a grand scale ......

Manipulation the same. chiropractors manipulate the spine for the health of the body ...... doctors manipulate medications to get the balance just right ..... gardeners manipulate the Soula d the shapes of growing trees to bring about the best crop results or beauty or resilience to pests and drought ...... and scammers manipulate systems to steal from people.

It's all in the view of how the term is used Hon ...... use it wisely and well and it serves you positively in a healthy way.

Is that cool ?

[CheerBear]

I've been sitting in my blanket with an open pocket ready @Phoenix_Rising. I hope you snuggle cosily and can rest well tonight after your stormy couple of days.

Good night to you. You really are worth celebrating.

[Appleblossom]

@Phoenix_Rising

I have had to work a lot and struggle with how one single silly word can totally send me OTT.

Unfortunately the word is not always the same and so I cant always predict when it hits me in the face.

There is a beautiful rock pool in Hyde Park where I lost my long necked turtle when I was 9. I was devastated, but also had to accept it was probably happier living there than in our room.

I am also a foetal position rocker and weird noise maker.  I did primal in the 80s and being in my body was encouraged back then.  I think it is pretty healthy all other coping styles considered.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member I am snuggled in my shell riding a wave. Can you please maybe fly your island out to where I am drifting in the ocean. I super like sitting with you on your island. 😊

[Faith-and-Hope]

Morning @Phoenix_Rising ..... 💕🐢

[Phoenix_Rising]

{Sticks head out of shell}. Time to start my day...again. Take two. I am sure today will be better
now - I've already had a practice run of this day. 😊@Lauz you didn't appear on the ocean. Did you get distracted having flying races with NikNik??? 😊 🐢

[Phoenix_Rising]

Who is watching the ocean tonight @Former-Member? The waves are giant. They come so often these days. They are waves of hopelessness and despair over my spectacular lack of success in finding someone to help me fix my brain. How can it be that I found both K and my turtle whisperer...and yet neither of them are in a position to help me fix my brain? It is now twenty-seven months and twelve therapists since the final great show-down with Fred. How do I hang onto any hope?

Fred always told me that he was the only one who would stay and he was right. I know now that I will never again be as safe as I was with him. Yes he was abusive, but he was THERE. He STAYED. Now I am utterly alone in the world.

I feel afraid. Can it really be considered a pathological fear of abandonment when the objective reality is that everybody really and truly does leave? I have been thinking a lot lately about how if I died, there is no-one who would claim my body. To me, at this point in my life, this is the epitome of social isolation. And the reality is that it isn't going to change. This is my world. And yes, I can hear it already, people trying to tell me that I don't know the future etc etc ad nauseum. But the thing is, you don't know my story. You don't know the very deepest core of my muddle. Everybody starts off by challenging my beliefs about the future, but then as the story unfolds, they start to be lost for words and there are long pauses rather than platitudes.

My turtle whisperer is just starting to get her head around the story. It is the process of telling it to her, along with a major event of a few weeks ago, that together are making the hopelessness of my situation particularly salient at the moment.

This particular part of my muddle is not fixable. What I need is to somehow create a life worth living in spite of this bit. And in order to do that, the thing I need most in the whole world is that one person in my corner. Just one. I simply need one. How can it possibly be that my turtle whisperer is RIGHT THERE, and yet can't commit to being that one person. How does anyone live with that? How do I live with that?

@CheerBear can I please snuggle in your  pocket while you sit in your blanket in your nest in my cave at the bottom of the raging ocean? I so superly duperly love that we, along with @Zoe7, can do DBT together but not.

@Former-Member can you please come and sit in my underwater cave with me? I'm scared. I know that the waves of hopelessness can't hurt me, but what about the objective reality of my situation??? How many more re-traumatizing experiences with how many less-than-ideal therapists am I going to have to go through to find another turtle whisperer? How many more can my already-notably-fried brain survive? I'm scared.

Thank you for sitting with me in my muddle.  

[CheerBear]

I can hear how scary it feels and imagine how tiring it would be to have to swim in such a dark, stormy ocean as it has been recently @Phoenix_Rising.

I wish wishing power was a thing, and that I could wish someone to be there in your corner for you. I might not have wishing power but I do have a pocket that I can offer and I will sit in your cave until this passes also.

[Former-Member]

Hi there,

@Phoenix_Rising, it's 2or3things here - y'know, the newby who is still learning to swim ;).  The way you write about the underwater cave tonight reminded me of my favourite Dr Seuss tale - 'Oh the Places You'll Go'... when you used the word muddled i thought of the line about "unslumping yourself is not so easily done'... something like that.  I like the word unslumping... hopefully the deep waters allow you some unslumpiness :).