Riding a wave

[Phoenix_Rising]

Thank you @Catcakes. I'm sorry I have nothing to give right now. I hope you are feeling supported by others here in Forum Land at the moment. 

[Catcakes]

You are giving a huge amount to all who are following your “change the world” adventures
@Phoenix_Rising 💪

[Phoenix_Rising]

I am wide awake and drenched in sweat. That's kind-of annoying at 1.45am. I am ready to start a new day. That doesn't seem right after about three hours of sleep. This very much seems to be becoming my new normal. Up until a couple of months ago I never had major sleep issues. My brain is so much more broken now, and my soul has been annihilated. How could this possibly possibly happen. 😔😔😔😔😔

I do not matter,
I'm only one person,
Destroy me completely,
Then throw me away.

[Former-Member]

 I hear you @Phoenix_Rising and am still awake too.

Sitting with you but not in this muddle.

[Maggie]

[Maggie]

@Phoenix_Rising I don't know if this song will help,or not, but give it a try. I hope it does.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Super big thank you for sitting with me in my muddle @Former-Member. 

@Maggie I super like that picture and I super super SUPER like the song. Thank you. 

@CheerBear I read over there --> that your LF made it safely and happily back to school. I can hear how much you superly duperly love them...and how much you superly duperly love that they are back at school.  I can definitely see how getting back into a regular routine and having some fish-free hours each day would help to make navigating bus squishes and mushed brains and plumbing adventures a little bit easier.

I hope you like the photo of "our" fancy hotel breakfast orange juice that I posted in the appropriate place.  I figured I'd better provide photographic evidence. Even though I super know that a not-friend would never lie, I think sometimes photos are helpful in making it clear that things truly are what they are when there is no other way of knowing for certain if they are. 

I am feeling a little better today about the wrongness of the wrong because plan B has been enacted. Even though nothing in the world can change the fact that someone thought plan A was ok, hopefully in time and with quite a bit more processing, knowing someone stepped in and came up with plan B will help to soothe the oh-so-gigantic feelings that plan A triggered. There was already so much that was wrong with the muddle, and plan A magnified the wrongness of the wrong by about a bazillion percent. I had not thought things could get any worse...and then someone came up with plan A. I know you can hear and feel and know the wrongness of the wrong without needing to know @CheerBear. It's not ok. It's so so SO not ok!!!

I will be heading off to see TTT in an hour. I am super looking forward to seeing her. Given she is reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to me, I think she will be super impressed with the photo of my fancy hotel pancake breakfast. I'm pretty sure that's the sort of thing Oompa Loompas eat for breakfast. 

I hope there is some good in today for everyone out on the ocean. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

I bought some books yesterday for reading aloud with grown up dragons @Phoenix_Rising ...... to help make a place that is not home feel a bit more like a home. These are books about magic and imaginary creatures ..... unicorns included .....

[Phoenix_Rising]

I have just got home from seeing TTT. Hey @CheerBear, I have to do something superly duperly tricky on Tuesday. TTT said that between now and then I have to read over the distress tolerance module of the DBT manual. I told her I couldn't possibly do that because I haven't quite finished the mindfulness module yet and the DT module is CheerBear's module. She responded by saying that in that case, CheerBear's homework is to read the DT module before next Tuesday. 

TTT had a new toy - a slinky! How fun are slinkies!!! I managed to both tangle it and untangle it during the session. 

We talked a lot about the super giant wrongness of the wrong and how a lot of organisations that say they are trauma informed do an amazingly bad job of implementing trauma informed practice. TTT said that "trauma informed" is such a catch-phrase at the moment that it gets tossed around without people really understanding what it means or how to do trauma informed practice. That definitely fits with a whole lot of my experiences!!! 

We also talked about something that is making me feel a bit sad. TTT said that I seem to be super good at the rupture and repair thing (I.e. being able to move through an issue in a relationship and end up still feeling ok in the relationship). I responded by telling her that I agree...but that I have had very very little opportunity to experience it because the other person in a relationship ends up dumping me. I can't think of a single relationship where I have been the one to end it. It's always the other person who says they can't cope with me and then bails out. 

At the moment, I tell TTT via email about what I did/didn't find helpful in a session. She was saying today that it would be better if I could tell her in the moment, but that she understands that this is too scary right now because of all the icky experiences I've had in response to telling a therapist that I want/need them to do something differently. So email will have to do for now.

I am so so SO grateful for TTT. She is very much my island of safety right now in what seems to be a superly duperly confusing and scary world. 

Ps. TTT agreed with me that my pancake and chocolate sauce effort was definitely the sort of thing an Oompa Loompa would eat for breakfast. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Oh @Phoenix_Rising ..... your TTT really sounds tuned in and wonderful. I am soooo glad you have found her ..... it’s giving me warm fuzzy feelings to hear how well she is working with your needs and validating then as she does.

🎉☔️✔️