Lived Experience Forum

[ArraDreaming]

I have been struggling with anxiety that’s has been ok for a while now but started rearing it’s head again a few months ago

So to cut a long story short today I had my first appointment back with a psychologist after couple of years off, and it fucki hurt. 

The shame I felt having to admit that things aren’t going well when I keep trying to convince myself and everyone else that I’m actually alright. But I’m ok I keep saying, because I want them to think I am, because everything has been going well for so long it should stay that way, and also I don’t want people to think I’m unhappy because I’m not I love my life. I have everything I want. it’s tiring but I have everything I want with my family and my job, I’m happy that’s not what the problem is. I don’t want people to think I’m not happy with my life and that I’m miserable. I’m not miserable. 

I just feel so shit. Like, why did I go there today? Sharing all that stuff about me. It’s too vulnerable. I just want to hide from the world now. 

I spoke to my partner about it as she works in this field, ironically. (With much younger people than me). 
She described it as like a vulnerability hangover and I think that’s kinda interesting. 

Anyway, I went for a swim at the pool tonight which I haven’t done in maybe a year or more. It helped a bit but I’m still thinking about today.

I’m not sure I want to show my face there again, just knowing what they know about me now because of what I shared, it feels too much. 

[TuxedoCat]

Hey @ArraDreaming, nice to e-meet you! And oh wow, this hits close to home for me!

I'm sorry that your anxiety has been showing up for you again and that your "vulnerability hangover" has really hit. And that you feel that you have to put on an act for other people. That must be exhausting. What I can see from your post is that you have such a positive attitude to your life (despite what other people might think!). And that you've recognised that a little bit of extra mental health support would be useful. You know yourself so well, better than everyone else ❤️ 

But also, I know it can feel crappy to go back to your psychologist after so long away. I think there's a lot of talk about recovery being a one-way street and that we've failed if we need to seek some support again. But recovery is like a roller-coaster 🎢, sometimes we can be up and feeling good for a long time. And it's really common to come back down every once in a while, even if it sucks ❤️ Personally, I think it's really great that when anyone decides to get extra support.

If you're questioning if you want to go back, would it be helpful to think about why you went back in the first place? Or how they were useful to you last time? 

In the meantime, great work on trying to clear your mind with a swim (I do the same), is there anything else you can do tonight to relax?

Your vulnerability buddy,

TuxedoCat

[ArraDreaming]

It’s a different place this time, different person @TuxedoCat I just hate that shame that comes from being vulnerable and I can’t shake it I just want to hide from it 

[TuxedoCat]

I hear you @ArraDreaming, I don't have an answer, but just know that I can relate to this so much ❤️ 

This shame will pass. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself? I'm almost finished for the night and will play some video games to relax I reckon.

I also just had a quick search in the forums for shame and vulnerability. Maybe this thread will help: Shame and vulnerability

Sitting with you, 

TuxedoCat

[ArraDreaming]

Thanks @TuxedoCat I just watched some tv 

[TuxedoCat]

Heya, I just wanted to check in. How are you doing today @ArraDreaming?

[ArraDreaming]

Hey I’m ok, yesterday I felt a bit flat but I went to work which was good because it really helped me

[ArraDreaming]

I’m finding life hard today 

[tyme]

Hi @ArraDreaming ,

Hearing you @ArraDreaming . I'm sorry today hasn't been a good day.

As you wind down for tonight, is there anything you think will help?

Go gentle on yourself,

tyme

[ArraDreaming]

No I am just in a bad mood and I have fucki had enough