TW: Trauma and relationships

[rav3n]

i think that's the beauty of the spectrum, @creative_writer you don't have to fit one 'label' or expectation. there is a lot of stigma around the ace community that needs breaking down, i hear you - it can be tough to admit that you might be ace when it's community is often misunderstood. 

i hope you know that the forums is a safe place for you to be yourself. whether you identify with that label or not, that's totally ok, and if over time you notice your attractions change that's ok too! 

finding someone to open up to and trust does take time, but it is possible so don't give up hope. for me personally, i placed all my love into my female friendships as i'm not ready to date yet, and they've provided me with a safe space to be myself - it did take a few years for me to get comfortable, but i just wanted to share this with you to say that you are deserving of that kind of love and you will find your person/people. 💗

[Glisten]

@rav3n so true. Every word you wrote, totally on point. 
More power to women in support and solidarity 💞

G

[Captain24]

Everyone is different @creative_writer.

I understand about not being able to disclose it. More than you realise. 

I do hope you find the someone. 

[creative_writer]

@rav3n I can’t help but wonder maybe I’m the problem. I’m the reason why I’m still stuck. Other people can connect to others and feel safe but I can’t. I can’t help but wonder that maybe I’m lazy, stupid and inept.

@Glisten I often wish I needed no one, would’ve been easier but can’t change this need. I guess we all need people.

@Captain24 “ace” is one of those things. I think people don’t really understand it, I think that’s the problem. I’m also confused what is my natural temperament and what’s my trauma response. I miss my few day hypomanic episode last week, I’m thinking too much right now. Depression feeds these thoughts and these thoughts feed depression

[Glisten]

@creative_writer it is completely normal to crave connection. I hate being on my own.

I know what I need and want in a relationship.

G

[rav3n]

@creative_writer i think connecting to people is not as easy as people make it seem, perhaps you're putting some pressure on yourself to find your person?

i'm curious to know, where do you usually search for companions? (i.e. at work, through mutual friends, etc) 

i struggle to feel safe around people too, it takes a lot of time for me to open up to people because my trust has been broken so many times in the past. i don't think that means i'm unworthy or the problem. i promise you are worthy. its a matter of finding the right people, it can take time to identify who is and who isn't worth your time in the long run. 

[Rainbowzebra]

Wow did I write this post? I completely feel the same way. I never want to have sex ever again. I also want that safety and companionship you get from another person. If I could find somebody to be like a best friend who would live with you and not fall in love with somebody else and support you like a good romantic relationship should be but without the pressure of having sex I would be so happy. 

I have no useful advice because I'm completely in the same boat. I have got to that point in my life where all my friends are in relationships/ married/ have children and is a lonely place to be when you realise that friendship is not enough because their significant others will always be more important to your friend than you are.

I don't know what the answer is unfortunately. Unless perhaps you can find somebody else who is ace and therefore has the same values?

[Eden1919]

Hi @creative_writer  i am aroace and there is nothing to be ashamed of if you are ace also it is completely possible to identify as ace because of trauma, having trauma does not stop you from being able to identify as being ace if that is what feels most comfortable for you. Relationships without sex are completely possible and legitimate your psych is wrong on that note. You don’t even have to find another ace person to have a relationship with just someone willing to accept your boundaries. It is also ok to not want to have a relationship at all. My advice would be to look into the ace community if you think it is something that fits for you, you may just find some nice people you can connect with and if you had any questions about being ace or aro feel free to tag me and I will try my best to answer. 

[creative_writer]

@Glisten I know it’s natural to want connections, trauma mind tries to convince one that you’re better off alone. I know it’s not true, but it’s hard to believe it at times.

@rav3n I honestly have no idea where to search for companions, I’ve been mostly socialising through uni and placement, otherwise I have no social life, I am too exhausted to function on the weekend. Masking all week is exhausting and having mental health and chronic pain adds more layers.

@Rainbowzebra it would be lovely to have a safe person who valued companionship more than sex. Society is constantly pushing that sex is the most important thing in a romantic relationship which is bs. I see people getting married too, it’s hard to maintain friendship. I think for me distance is a big factor and it’s harder to find the time to form newer friendships in adulthood.

@Eden1919 it’s hard being ace with my background. I come from a Muslim background so I don’t know if people will be accepting, even though it doesn’t even go against religious beliefs. There is also no compulsion on getting married, though some people act like there is.

I’ve been thinking @Glisten @rav3n @Rainbowzebra @Eden1919, I don’t feel like I’m getting much out of my psych sessions anymore, maybe I should break up with my psych

[Glisten]

@creative_writer is your psychologist trauma experienced?

Do you know what you need?

G