Hello

[GoldFinch]

I’ve been searching for years for an online support forum for depression. I’ve tried many and gave up after a while because I just felt worse. I’ll see how this goes.

I don’t want to get into a long narrative of my past as I’m 69 and I’d be writing for hours. I also feel I’m at a place now where I can’t be “fixed.” I am who I am and what I am and I just want a safe place to share and rant and cry and hold on for just one more day.

No, I’m not suicidal. I have two cats who I love dearly and no one to take care of them. I won’t leave them. Also, I lost my dog last year. To give you an idea what that means to me, my vet said she has never seen a stronger human-dog connection than the one Daisy and I had. It wasn’t just an occasional, yearly checkup observation as we saw her once a month. Daisy had arthritis and was getting acupuncture. I am a Christian and I know Daisy is waiting for me in heaven. I won’t jeopardize that reunion with suicide. 

“Severe Clinical Depression” is what my medical record says. I can sum up the root cause in two words - “alcoholic parents.” My depression went undiagnosed and untreated until I was in my early 40s. Why? Because I was in the military and, at that time, it was not talked about. 

I’ve tried therapy at different times with different people and it always ended badly. I won’t go again. I’ve been on meds for years which don’t really work anymore. Last year, I went to a psychiatrist to get some new medication. That ended worse than all the other times, so I’m back on the stuff that doesn’t really work. 

My life now is getting up at 3 or 4AM, have some coffee and muck around on the internet for a couple of hours. I then feed the birds and tidy up outside and around the house, maybe do some laundry. I then try to quilt for an hour or two, although, more and more I see the futility in that as I have about 100 quilts that will end up who knows where. I have enough fabric to last me until I die, so at least I’m not spending more money. I go to the gym two days a week, most weeks and ride my bike some days. I go to bed at 4 or 5, read, sleep, and start all over. I can go for days without speaking to anyone. 

The loneliness is overwhelming to the point of physical pain. People say, “You just need to…”  All of you who are suffering with depression know how aggravating those words are and would never say them to another depressed person. We flippin’ KNOW what we “need to just!” If we just could, we wouldn’t be depressed! 

I guess what I’m looking for here is people who understand; who won’t say “you just need to;” who will just listen and encourage me to take one more step. I hope, too, maybe I can help someone else.

Thanks for reading this.

[Till23]

Hello @GoldFinch and welcome to the forums. I hope you find what you are looking for here.

Sorry to hear you have been surviving with depression for so long.

I lost my dog on Friday, and my other dog in 2023. I’m struggling a little bit with that at the moment.

There is a special part of forums for military/veterans in case you’re interested in that section.

I’m glad you have your cats, many people here have cats and there is a thread about cats.

 If you wanted to I suppose you could sell or donate your quilts, or donate them to raise money like as a raffle prize or something.

 I hope you live in one of the warmer states if you are getting up at 3 or 4am!!

[ThagSimmons]

Howdy @GoldFinch and welcome yadda yadda, all the usuals, you are among friends.

One line you wrote leapt off the page at me.
"I’m at a place now where I can’t be “fixed.” I am who I am and what I am"
You my friend have two things happening there, understanding and acceptance.
It is also gobsmackingly clear just by the way you write, you are not your average bear. I am not talking to a pot plant here am I?

Ok, I want to ask you some questions about the health system and your rough passage through it if I can be so bold.
I am in the same boat, I found every time I reached out, the person putting their hand out to help me was the most ill equipped person to be in that position. Think we might of been seeing the same people.

The main problem I came across was a severe lack of any real lived experience, the people who you were talking to, trying to explain what was happening, just didn't get it, they didn't understand what was happening. I felt like a new mum trying to get post natal advice off a celibate male priest. They seemed to have no idea or understanding of what you were going through other than what they had read, and they made some decisions on my behalf that had absolutely brutal consequences.

I know the disappointment you get 3 minutes into a first meeting when that voice in the back of your head is screaming at you that the person in front of you doesn't have a bloody clue and you should run, run as fast as you can because this is just going to be as bad as the last time... 

Have you had the same experiences as I have @GoldFinch ? 
People hear you, but they don't listen. I would be interested in your thoughts.

Got a few more questions too, but one at a time for now.

[Semly]

Hi @GoldFinch 

welcome. I hear you about looking for an online depression support. Well done for living through all the years of severe depression - it’s beyond Herculean: you’re a hero.

I’m so sorry about daisy - and your fur-person too @Till23 
I just dropped in here to find some real people after another Google search about how to be ok with/become a new human despite/how to face another day at work with depression.

So much with the ‘just gotta’ [insert exceptionally hard to impossible thing here]. Sometimes no ‘just’  - you’ve gotta - often feels like an endless list of demands, with the tacit or explicit promise that complying with the demands will bring relief/social acceptability for being in pain all the time. So demoralising when it just doesn’t. I hope that isn’t too much of a down to say it that way. 

I too hope you’re somewhere warm for those early starts. 
Are you quilting today? What colour/s is/are your current quilt? Are your cats being kind and companionable? I hope

so. 
I wish you could see all the things others have written on these - I forget what m responding to halfway through!

Thank you for being here and for sharing - everyone says you’re not alone, but that’s one of the loudest and most self-fulfilling things about depression: the feeling leading often to the fact of aloneness. 
Im glad you shared today - its made me feel less alone. You rock. 
thanks @ThagSimmons too 😁.

Warm wishes.

[GoldFinch]

Not sure if I’m supposed to be here. I’m in the US.

[ThagSimmons]

hey, @GoldFinch not sure if depression respects borders, pretty sure we don't though, don't matter where you get it so long as you get it.

You're more than welcome.

One thing I will always wonder 'bout... spent a year in North America and lived on a motorbike for the  12 months and 55,000 miles I was there, even went to Alaska and saw a polar bear, mighta been bipolar, didn't hang around to find out. Anyways, I stopped at an overlook and here are two absolutely gorgeous college girls wearing their jackets, with a letter on them, and the words... "Debating team".

I gotta ask, seriously, do you teach your women to argue over there?!
🫢😳🤔
Ours come with the argument gene pre installed!
😂🤣🤣
... 
I am so going to hell for this post...
🤔🫢🙃

[Appleblossom]

There are many attitudes that suppress attempts to talk about feelings and mental health, military is one, British stiff upper lip syndrome, another. @GoldFinch  Welcome, to Aussie Aussie Oi oi oi, not sure it matters where you post from. Pity you haven’t found decent online forums in the US. There is something called wildflower alliance? Not sure how good it is in practice. Many websites are good in theory.

 I am too wobbly these days to  cycle, although I did a lot when I was younger. You have a few years on me, but not many…lol