Oh @utopia I think I have been a little lost without you 

I was just holding on this afternoon until I read your post - now the floodgates have opened...

I really do miss you and @Faith-and-Hope when you guys are not around - you are both so important to me. Some people enter your life and have a huge impact - and it is so nice to have found that this impact can be positive - and not negative as it has seemed to be for most of my life. 

I could imagine the mess tha Dog left for you on the bed - argh! That is the wonderful thing about Toby - he doesn't shed  Toby and Cat are good. they both had their annual checkups and injections last week - little darlings are healthy and happy. Cat was really naughty yesterday - she got upon the kitchen bench and started to eat the roast chicken - she has never done that before so guess what - roast chicken for Toby and Cat for the next few days but none for Mummy!!!

I can certainly understand both you and your son still needing some time apart - that doesn't make you a 'bad' mother - quite the opposite infact - you know you are not able to adequately care for him at the moment - you have to be your priority to get back to your 'old self'.

I love that they have been lighting a candle for you at meditation class - that must make you feel really wanted and loved 

I am ok. Certainly up and down days still but I can see that we are making progress. My sleep has improved a bit - still nowhere near what it needs to be and the anxiety and fears etc. are still there (although they aren't as constant as they were). I have found that if I have a night or 2 without any nightmares then the next night is usually really vivid and really distressing - it is like those missing nights are combined into the next night. I still think about 'ending it' every day but I don't necessarily think about acting on those thoughts so that is a really big improvement.

The paintings mentioned are a few pages back I think - I posted then both together so they shouldn't be hard to find. 

I think that is enough for now @utopia. Just so pleased to have my beautiful little cocky friend back 

ps - The Tranquility Garden is perfect 

Loads of love and huge big bear hugs...

Zoe