@Appleblossom 

Apple - you are a wise woman.

Forgiveness is such an abstract thing - can we forgive too often? Perhaps we can - I look at it differently which does not mean it's the only way to see it.

I think we forgive for ourselves - I have found forgiving someone releases me - but forget - no! - never! It is in our best interests to protect ourselves from vexatious spirits. They are out there - all the time.

I was able to forgive my mother - and through research learn her reasons - but forget - no - and I have never given her excuses for her behaviour. In this way I have learned to understand myself better too.  As have you - through a different path - one less taken perhaps.

We can only go on from one day to the next. We can watch and learn though - nature - signs - deep thinking - and watchfulness. I had a sign before I rang my daughter back earlier in the week - she rang when I was busy so I waited until I felt okay. But I had had a sign.

I have lived here for nearly 20 years and in all this time I have searched for a bag of rune stones given to me by a dear friend - long gone - these were always valuable to me - I still had the book explaining the stones - but - wow - whatever happened to something so precious to me?

I found them the day before my rang me - they were at the back of a drawer I decided to clear out - and I felt a huge surge of wonder and relief. When I had time to rest my mind I read a simple spread and the counsel was to speak out and then wait - allow time to pass - and this I am doing.

I know my daughter well enough to know she will not listen to explanations - it can be so frustrating - to me it seems she does not live very deeply - her life is based on surface issues - which is perfectly okay - I do not judge her for this - I think I needed - still need - her to recognize that I have had a very tough couple of years and I have worn thin. She just needs to say something like "I understand you have had a rough time lately - that I have said something to upset you - and I am sorry" - that might take a long time coming - so yes - I do have a plan.

Your story is - a story of psychological pain and this I understand. I don't know if my mother was a narcissist or not. She was pretty cruel - and what your brother said about not getting your mother involved in therapy - that she already had developed her own ideas - corrupt it seems. He was right - obviously - and what you did or tried to do was not wrong - it was a trial - and you have learned. Regardless of what we do in life - we all learn something - even if that was not what was being taught.

And I am so sorry that your brother completed suicide. I have an idea but I cannot know how you feel - that is really tough shit.

If you forgave your mother too often it allowed her to hurt you more often - which is not good - it is a powerful sign of your good intentions though. I still care - I understand more now.

That was an excellent post.

Owlunar