Part 2
Day 1. Arrived at the private hospital at 10am. So very grateful to be here. Feel safe in hospital.
Suicidal thoughts used to be foreign to me. Then last year I got horrible SI ideas and went to Melbourne Clinic.
Then suicidal thoughtz started again - so cMe to hospital 22 days ago. Discharged against my psychiatrist and hospital staffs opinions - coz Workcover knew best.
Tried really hard at home. Went to grow meeting. Went to AA meeting. 23 days today - no drinking. But I still couldn't put the sheets on my bed. I still couldn't seeep the floor, mow thigh high grass, walk the dogs, tske a shower.There was just no momotivation there. I Then centrelink threatening to cut of my pension (even though they still weren't paying me the full amount. Threatening to investigate my gp for fraud - because she accidentally wrote thd word 'permanent' for my diagnosis. Then Workcover - even with me calling and begging them daily - to please approve my SKYPE sessions wigh my psychiatrist - kept tdlling me it's being reviewed. Thdg didn't care shen I said I had no mental health support and needed my psychologist sessions.
Then by Thursday I crashed. My SI was starting to be a number of times a day. Suicidal plans / fantasies were increasing. I felt like it was the only way. Couldn't see any other outcome. But some primitive part of my brsin kept fighting for me. Giving me enedgy to makd another call for help to Workcover to admit me to this hospital.
So I have an initial 14day stay.
I walked in and instantly felt I was safe here. I gave the nurses all my cardigan and dressing gown ties and more. Because the temptation hasn't left me.
I had a big melt down cry with my day nurse. She listened. Slept for 3 or 4 hours. Wandered around. Chain smoked ate dinner. And then - itwas just this scary ffeeling that I didn't know what to do next. I didn't want another smoke. I didn't want to sleep, or walk or stand. I didn't want to do anything - but at the same time, I just didn't know what I should do.
Another crying meltdown with the afternoon nurse. I took my night meds anx 2 calmer prns - stronger than the ones I was discharged with.
There are a number of patients still here from my last visit - including another Workcover patient that had to leave before being ready. So I've had some hugs and welcome home from my old friends here.
The calmers started to work.
Going to take my sleeper medicine in a minute.
So I feel safe here - that I won't try suicide, butthe thoughts aare still strong. I feel worse thsn when I came in last time.
Total devastation. Thoughts thst this is all there is. These thoughts or death. Massive mood swings from numb to angry to devastation.
But I'm here. And I'm safe.
I thank all of you for your messages, advice and support. I'll have to read them again when they make sense. My brain has gone on vacation & just left me and my body here.
I hope to continue a daily post about my feelings or lack of them. But I may not write back to you individually yet. As I said, "my brain has left the building".
I am here. I am safe.