Part 2
Day 7 - morning.
Psychiatrist at the end of my bed - but I was awake already. Just with my eyes shut.
First thing he said is he'd had a long talk with my mum (I gave permission this time for him to talk to her). She told him how I've been living. I was bloody annoyed but relieved at the same time - because now he knows - I do nothing. That I don't clean. That my once beautiful garden is now a complete and utter mess. My psychiatrist has always been telling me I need to work. When I have a job I will be better. Then mum told him there are lots of jobs in the larger towns near me - so I can't use that as an excuse. What the? I started raising my voice and said - my mum is talking about Admin or PA work. She thinks I can do these jobs. I CAN'T. I told him - all jobs I had in the psst have had their own in house computer programs & I was brilliant at being abld to pick up their systems quickly. I was bloody good. I was great. But as I said to my psych this morning. That is not me anymore. My son has shown me so many times how to add an ap to my ph. But I still can't do it. I can't remember words. I forget sometimes how to spell - the!.
My work ability. My cognitive ability is no longer there.
Add to that - mh mum doesn't get that I need a SAFE workplace. One boss only - so I won't be forgotten and get lost in the system & be hurt again. And i need a gentle workplace where there isn't malicious gossip or loud noises. Add to that - not open plan - and staff willing to not wear perfume or use fly spray or detol or pinoclean or other chemicals to clean the bathroom or their desks. Impossible.
My psychiatrist said he is not sure but now thinking that it may not be a simple case of Reactive Depression. That I may have an underlying depression as well.
Yesterday was my first day off my old AD. This morning was my first day on my new AD. Quicker than he was suggesting. But that's good.
Then he suggested that maybe an 'electrical' type treatment might benefit me. Maybe. I said oh ok - tms. Thinking that's safe. No he doesn't believe in TMS. he's talking ECT. Freaking out inside. That's different. That's scafy for me. He said it's just something to think about. I can think about it for a few days, weeks or months. No rush he said.
Then he said - while Workcover has allowed me into hospital this time - it will be easier to get an extension to dothe ECT. Whereas, if I wait for a few weeks or months and then decide yes to do ECT - that it will be harder to get permission from Workcover for a new admission.
NO PRESSURE - MY BUM!!!!
Totally ... not sure what I feel. But I came out for a smoko and instantly decided to pick a fight (verbal) with another patient. I'm so, all over the place but dead inside at the same time.